Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 2
94b: Marisa Tomei / Bonnie Raitt
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
… Norm MacDonald
… Mike Myers
… Tim Meadows
Cool Guy … David Spade
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!
[Cheers and applause.]Norm MacDonald: Hi, I’m Norm MacDonald and this– [holds up his sheaf of papers] — is thenews.
Potential jurors for the O. J. Simpson case were askedto fill out a seventy-five page jury questionnairethis week. In the entire state of California, only oneperson got a perfect score, Chow Ming Woo [Photo oflittle Asian boy] … who after the trial plans toattend Cal Tech. …
O. J. Simpson’s new fitness video was released thisweek. And, hitting the shelves next week, Simpson’snewest video, “Dorf on Stalking.” [Doctored photo of”Dorf on Golf” video with Simpson’s head superimposedon Dorf’s tiny body] … [some boos, some cheers andapplause, Norm grins] Uh huh. The crowd istorn. … [cheers and applause]
[Graphic of news article detailing pneumonic plagueoutbreak in India] Tourism in India has taken adramatic drop recently. The State Bureau of Tourismhas two theories. One: air fares have gone up slightlyin the past year causing a decrease in travelworldwide. And two: The plague. …[applause]In New York this week, Sammy “The Bull” Gravano wassentenced to just five years in prison for committingnineteen murders. He better be careful though, becauseNew York has just passed a tough new law: twentystrikes and you’re out. … [applause]
Four Pittsburgh children were found in a house strewnwith garbage and human waste after they’d beenabandoned by their parents for two weeks. The couplewas charged with child endangerment. But, to theircredit, they did bring the children a present — aT-shirt that reads: “My parents left me for two weeksin a house full of human waste and all I got was thislousy T-shirt.” … [cheers and applause]
A comet hit the planet Jupiter last July andscientists now say the dark scars have almostcompletely disappeared. But the emotional scars willbe there for a long, long time. …
Ford this week recalled two models of cars saying thatthey might explode during refueling. At Ford, qualityis Job One. And Job Two: “Making your carexplode.” …
In sports, the National Hockey League board ofgovernors rejected a late Thursday proposal by theplayers, clearing the way for Commissioner GaryBettman to postpone the start of the upcoming season.Now, here, with a detailed analysis is Saturday NightLive hockey correspondent and hockey fan MikeMyers.
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to Mike Myers whowears a cap and a Toronto Maple Leafs jacket.]Mike Myers: Thanks, Norm! Thanks, Norm. [pause,very upset] It’s stupid. It’s just so stupid![pause] Back to you, Norm.
Norm MacDonald: Mike Myers – with a – detailedanalysis. …
What’s it like to lose thirty-five million dollars?Just ask Dale Sturtevant of Honesdale, Pennsylvania.That’s how much he lost this week at a localconvenience store when he failed to guess any of thesix winning numbers in the state’s Pick Six lottery.When reached for comment by Weekend Update, Sturtevantreplied, “Why are you making such a big deal out ofthis? I bought a three dollar Lotto ticket, it didn’twin. Why can’t you leave me alone?” …
Now, with more on that hockey postponement, here isWeekend Update correspondent Tim Meadows. Tim?
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to Tim Meadows ina suit and tie.]Tim Meadows: Thank you. Thank you. The baseballstrike I can deal with. But when it comes to hockey,nobody, and I mean nobody, is a bigger fan than me. Infact, around here, my nickname is “Little Hockey.” …Watch this. [waves to someone off screen] Hey,guys!
Off Screen Guys: Hey, Little Hockey!
Tim Meadows: See? … [increasingly upset] Whatam I supposed to now that there is no hockey? Watchbasketball? No. I’m sorry, it’s not gonna happen. …But forget about me. What about African-American kidsall over the country? … They need their heroes. Ifan African-American kid can’t look up to a MarioLemieux or Mark Messier or Mario Roberge or a GuyCarbonneau or … or Patrick Roy … who canhe look up to? … I swear to God, there are only afew things that get to Tim Meadows: racism, sexism andno hockey! … So, come on, you owners and players, Ineed my hockey. Like I need air or water or food orclothing or whatever. You don’t want to make me mad!Because when I get mad, I get stomach pains. Back toyou, Norm.
Norm MacDonald: Tim Meadows! [cheers andapplause as Norm shakes Tim’s hand] Good job,buddy.
Tim Meadows: Thanks. [Tim continues tosteam]
Norm MacDonald: Tim – Tim “Little Hockey”Meadows. [Tim waves to the crowd as we cut back toNorm]
Christie Brinkley told reporters this week that hermarriage to Billy Joel was over long before theirdivorce. The key moment, she said, came when sherealized that she was Christie Brinkley and that shewas married to Billy Joel. … [cheers andapplause]
This week, Disney released a new CD featuring arapping Mickey Mouse. To avoid controversy, the CDwill not include the controversial hit single “CatKiller.” …
And, in a related story, this week marked the 5,000thperformance of the Broadway musical “Cats.” It alsomarked the 5,000th time a guy turned to his wife andsaid, “What the hell is this?” …[applause]
The Food and Drug Administration announced today thatwhile one ounce of Special K with four ounces of milkis a good dietary source of protein, one ounceof Special K with five ounces of milk is deadlypoison. …
Seventy per cent of diners polled this week said thereshould be no smoking in restaurants. And eighty percent of diners said that restaurants should give awaytheir food for free. …
Fashion designer Giorgio Armani confessed last week tobribing Italian tax officials. He was sentenced to -He was sentenced to six months of wearing brown shoeswith a blue suit. …
And now with a look back at the week in review is newUpdate correspondent Cool Guy. Cool Guy?
[Cheers and applause for Cool Guy, a long-haired, gumchewing cigarette smoker who wears sunglasses andblack leather. To the accompaniment of Pearl Jam’s”Alive,” he flicks his burning cigarette toward theaudience and removes his sunglasses.]Norm MacDonald: Hey, hey, Cool Guy, you couldahurt someone by flicking your cigarette into the crowdlike that. [Cool Guy scratches mouth and looks awayindifferently]
Oh, I see. You’re too cool to care, is that it? [CoolGuy winks, clicks his tongue] …
Yeah. Now, uh, I heard you saw the movie TerminalVelocity this week — how did – how did you like that?[Cool Guy winces while bowing his head] …
Yeah, I felt the same way. So, uh, how does NastassjaKinski look? Pretty hot, huh? [Cool Guy slowly nods,pursing his lips in agreement] …
Yeah, but how’s her acting? [Cool Guy raises hiseyebrows and grits his teeth as if in pain, shakinghis head slightly] …
Ohhhh – oh ho ho … Now, uh, now, Cool Guy, whatabout that Charlie Sheen? I hear he’s off the saucenow. [Cool Guy rolls his eyes] …
Geez, I – I heard he was. Uh, so how does helook in the movie? [Cool Guy puffs out his cheeks] …
Ohh. You know, he’s here tonight. [Cool Guy, startled,looks around nervously] …
No, no, he’s not. But, ah, that’s funny when I trickedyou there, huh, Cool Guy? [Cool Guy gives Norm asarcastic smile] …
So let me ask you, Cool Guy, is, uh, is this the wholejoke, I mean, you just do this? You talk and– Youdon’t talk and you make funny faces, is that the wholeidea? [Cool Guy thinks it over, reluctantly shrugs andnods, then, with a circular motion of his hand,signals Norm to continue] …
Oh, okay, back to me. So, uh, listen, off the record,do you think by acting cool up here you may trick somegirls into thinking you’re cool in real life andpossibly score with them?
Cool Guy: [after a pause, very quietly]Possibly.
Norm MacDonald: I got ya. If it happens, ithappens, right? I hear that. All right, Cool Guy,ladies and gentleman.
[Cheers and applause as Cool Guy puts on hissunglasses and exits to Pearl Jam’s “Alive”]Norm MacDonald: Ohhhh. You know what’s greatabout Cool Guy? He’s cool.
Visitors to New York’s Time Square this winter are infor a bit of a surprise. Crazy people will be shootingat them. …
Well, David Hasselhoff is a huge star in Germany wherehis series “Baywatch” celebrated its 100th straightweek as the nation’s top TV show. Which once againproves my old theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff….
And, finally, John Wayne Bobbitt is going to be anadult film star. He has been signed to play himself in”The John Wayne Bobbitt Story.” The part of hissevered penis will be portrayed by Pauly Shore. …[cheers and applause]
And that’s all for now. Good night. And goodluck.
[Music as Norm shuffles his papers on thedesk.]Submitted Anonymously
