Dracula’s Not Gay
Male Guest…..Kevin Nealon
Female Guest…..Janene Garafalo
Count Dracula…..John Travaolta
Renfield…..Chris Elliot
Wolfman…..Michael McKean
[ a dark and stormy night: open on interior, Count Dracula’s castle, to find the Count sitting at his table with a Male and Female Guest ]
Male Guest: Count, once again, we want to thank you for your hospitality.
Female Guest: Yes. Are you sure we’re not imposing by staying the night?
Count Dracula: Oh, no, not at all. I find your company.. most delightful. And tomorrow, when the weather improves, you can.. continue your journey. But tonight, you are mine! Now, if you will excuse me for a moment.. [ he leaves the table, eying a bloodthirsty glance at his “guests” ]
Female Guest: He certainly is a very elegant man.
Male Guest: Yeah. But don’t you think there’s something weird about the guy?
Female Guest: He’s a little eccentric..
[ the Count slowly returns to the room, ready to strike upon his prey ]
Male Guest: Oh, he’s a little more than eccentric, honey.. I mean, put it together – staying up all night, the outfi, that weird accent of his.. those screams. The guy is definitely a fruit! He’s gay!
[ the Count quickly shirks out of the room, shocked by the accusation ]
Female Guest: Alright, so he’s gay. So what?
Male Guest: I’m just saying, there’s something weird about him. I mean, I don’t see a Countess around, or anything. Put two and two together..
[ the Count returns to his guests ]
Count Dracula: Uh.. since we are destined to become friends, I think you should know more about me. Perhaps you have formed the wrong impression of me. Allow me to correct..
[ the Count’s idiot servant, Renfield, interrupts the party ]
Renfield: Count? Count? I’ve prepared the spare bedroom for the guests.
Count Dracula: Oh, well, thank you. [ to his guests ] Let me introduce Renfield.
Female Guest: Nice to meet you, Renfield. Do you live here in the castle as well?
Renfield: Yeah. For over twenty years. The Count has been very good to me. He takes me when he travels, and he cuts my hair, and he buys me..
Count Dracula: Enough, Renfield! Don’t you have something else to do? [ Renfield leaves quietly ]
Female Guest: So, uh.. how long have you and Renfield been together?
Count Dracula: Now, what do you mean by that?
Feale Guest: Um.. how long has he been your companion?
Count Dracula: What are you implying, that Renfield and I are lovers? That’s absurd! First of all, he is my servant. And secondly, I am not gay! I mean, I am man of many secrets, but humping a mental defective is not one of them!
Male Guest: Okay. Whatever. You don’t have to explain..
Count Dracula: [ annoyed ] You don’t believe me, do you? Renfield! Renfield! [ Renfield re-enters ] Tell them that we are not gay. Go on.
Renfield: [ whispering ] The thing is, I am gay.
Count Dracula: [ shocked ] What?!
Renfield: Yeah, I’m gay.
Count Dracula: [ to his guests ] Well, I had no idea! I mean, he lives at the other end of the castle. Why should I know what he does? I don’t even care! Get out of here, Renfield! [ Renfield runs off ] Now, listen, I do not behave like most men, it’s true. But you must believe me, I am a vampire! I’m not gay. I suck human blood!
Male Guest: Sure, Count. Whatever.
Female Guest: Yeah. You know, your sexual preference is your business. We respect that. Honestly.
Count Dracula: [ exasperated ] You still don’t believe me! Okay, watch. Watch this, I’ll turn into a bat!
[ the Count walks out of the window and disappears. The Couple look out the window to see what happens. ]
Male Guest: Wow! Look at that!
Female Guest: Unbelieveable! He turned into a bat! He is a vampire!
Male Guest: Hey, there’s another bat! It’s another male bat! Oh, my God! They’re doing it!
Female Guest: Wow, are you sure that’s a male?
Male Guest: Yeah. Look at the red markings on the wings. Boy.. he’s really giving it to the Count!
[ a flash of light appears, as the Couple move back to let the Count flutter back through the window ]
Count Dracula: [ dismayed ] Oh, God! I don’t know what that was! I know this looks bad.. but I didn’t even know there were gay bats!
Male Guest: Maybe it was Renfield.
Count Dracula: No, no.. Renfield’s not a vampire. He’s just an idiot I hired out of pity. Why do you persist in thinking that we are sexually involved?
Female Guest: No, really.. it’s not important to us..
Male Guest: Yeah..
Count Dracula: [ grabbing a deck of cards off of a shelf ] Look.. let me show you.. Look, there are playing cards with naked women on them. Why would I have these if I were homosexual? It doesn’t make sense!
[ the door opens behind the couple, as the Wolfman enters ]
Wolfman: Hi! Listen, I’m sorry to interrupt. I know I’m the world’s biggest pest. But I’ve gotta borrow your pastry brush! Don’t mind about me, I’m not even here!
Count Dracula: Now, if you want gay, that’s gay!
Male Guest: Yeah.. but you two seem to know each other pretty well.
Count Dracula: Yes, he’s a friend of mine. You see, dear man, I am secure in my masculinity, unlike you, who is obsessed with it! Now, I’m sick of it! Both of you, get out of here!
Male Guest: You can’t send us out there with that gay bat flying around.
Count Dracula: Look, if you don’t leave at once, I will suck your blood!
Male Guest: I bet you’d like that!
Count Dracula: [ angry ] Out! Both of you, get out!
[ the Couple quickly exit the castle ]
Wolfman: [ passing through ] Party’s over?
Count Dracula: Listen, did you know that Renfield was gay?
Wolfman: Duh! Are you kidding?
Count Dracula: [ intrigued ] Did the two of you ever..?
Wolfman: No! He’s totally not my type! It’s not like he didn’t try, though.
Count Dracula: Really?
Wolfman: Oh, yeah. He’s been coming on to everyone. Especially since he learned how to turn himself into a bat.
Count Dracula: [ disgusted ] Oh, God! Renfield!
[ zoom out to fade ]
