Dracula’s Not Gay


Dracula’s Not Gay

Male Guest…..Kevin Nealon
Female Guest…..Janene Garafalo
Count Dracula…..John Travaolta
Renfield…..Chris Elliot
Wolfman…..Michael McKean

[ a dark and stormy night: open on interior, Count Dracula’s castle, to find the Count sitting at his table with a Male and Female Guest ]

Male Guest: Count, once again, we want to thank you for your hospitality.

Female Guest: Yes. Are you sure we’re not imposing by staying the night?

Count Dracula: Oh, no, not at all. I find your company.. most delightful. And tomorrow, when the weather improves, you can.. continue your journey. But tonight, you are mine! Now, if you will excuse me for a moment.. [ he leaves the table, eying a bloodthirsty glance at his “guests” ]

Female Guest: He certainly is a very elegant man.

Male Guest: Yeah. But don’t you think there’s something weird about the guy?

Female Guest: He’s a little eccentric..

[ the Count slowly returns to the room, ready to strike upon his prey ]

Male Guest: Oh, he’s a little more than eccentric, honey.. I mean, put it together – staying up all night, the outfi, that weird accent of his.. those screams. The guy is definitely a fruit! He’s gay!

[ the Count quickly shirks out of the room, shocked by the accusation ]

Female Guest: Alright, so he’s gay. So what?

Male Guest: I’m just saying, there’s something weird about him. I mean, I don’t see a Countess around, or anything. Put two and two together..

[ the Count returns to his guests ]

Count Dracula: Uh.. since we are destined to become friends, I think you should know more about me. Perhaps you have formed the wrong impression of me. Allow me to correct..

[ the Count’s idiot servant, Renfield, interrupts the party ]

Renfield: Count? Count? I’ve prepared the spare bedroom for the guests.

Count Dracula: Oh, well, thank you. [ to his guests ] Let me introduce Renfield.

Female Guest: Nice to meet you, Renfield. Do you live here in the castle as well?

Renfield: Yeah. For over twenty years. The Count has been very good to me. He takes me when he travels, and he cuts my hair, and he buys me..

Count Dracula: Enough, Renfield! Don’t you have something else to do? [ Renfield leaves quietly ]

Female Guest: So, uh.. how long have you and Renfield been together?

Count Dracula: Now, what do you mean by that?

Feale Guest: Um.. how long has he been your companion?

Count Dracula: What are you implying, that Renfield and I are lovers? That’s absurd! First of all, he is my servant. And secondly, I am not gay! I mean, I am man of many secrets, but humping a mental defective is not one of them!

Male Guest: Okay. Whatever. You don’t have to explain..

Count Dracula: [ annoyed ] You don’t believe me, do you? Renfield! Renfield! [ Renfield re-enters ] Tell them that we are not gay. Go on.

Renfield: [ whispering ] The thing is, I am gay.

Count Dracula: [ shocked ] What?!

Renfield: Yeah, I’m gay.

Count Dracula: [ to his guests ] Well, I had no idea! I mean, he lives at the other end of the castle. Why should I know what he does? I don’t even care! Get out of here, Renfield! [ Renfield runs off ] Now, listen, I do not behave like most men, it’s true. But you must believe me, I am a vampire! I’m not gay. I suck human blood!

Male Guest: Sure, Count. Whatever.

Female Guest: Yeah. You know, your sexual preference is your business. We respect that. Honestly.

Count Dracula: [ exasperated ] You still don’t believe me! Okay, watch. Watch this, I’ll turn into a bat!

[ the Count walks out of the window and disappears. The Couple look out the window to see what happens. ]

Male Guest: Wow! Look at that!

Female Guest: Unbelieveable! He turned into a bat! He is a vampire!

Male Guest: Hey, there’s another bat! It’s another male bat! Oh, my God! They’re doing it!

Female Guest: Wow, are you sure that’s a male?

Male Guest: Yeah. Look at the red markings on the wings. Boy.. he’s really giving it to the Count!

[ a flash of light appears, as the Couple move back to let the Count flutter back through the window ]

Count Dracula: [ dismayed ] Oh, God! I don’t know what that was! I know this looks bad.. but I didn’t even know there were gay bats!

Male Guest: Maybe it was Renfield.

Count Dracula: No, no.. Renfield’s not a vampire. He’s just an idiot I hired out of pity. Why do you persist in thinking that we are sexually involved?

Female Guest: No, really.. it’s not important to us..

Male Guest: Yeah..

Count Dracula: [ grabbing a deck of cards off of a shelf ] Look.. let me show you.. Look, there are playing cards with naked women on them. Why would I have these if I were homosexual? It doesn’t make sense!

[ the door opens behind the couple, as the Wolfman enters ]

Wolfman: Hi! Listen, I’m sorry to interrupt. I know I’m the world’s biggest pest. But I’ve gotta borrow your pastry brush! Don’t mind about me, I’m not even here!

Count Dracula: Now, if you want gay, that’s gay!

Male Guest: Yeah.. but you two seem to know each other pretty well.

Count Dracula: Yes, he’s a friend of mine. You see, dear man, I am secure in my masculinity, unlike you, who is obsessed with it! Now, I’m sick of it! Both of you, get out of here!

Male Guest: You can’t send us out there with that gay bat flying around.

Count Dracula: Look, if you don’t leave at once, I will suck your blood!

Male Guest: I bet you’d like that!

Count Dracula: [ angry ] Out! Both of you, get out!

[ the Couple quickly exit the castle ]

Wolfman: [ passing through ] Party’s over?

Count Dracula: Listen, did you know that Renfield was gay?

Wolfman: Duh! Are you kidding?

Count Dracula: [ intrigued ] Did the two of you ever..?

Wolfman: No! He’s totally not my type! It’s not like he didn’t try, though.

Count Dracula: Really?

Wolfman: Oh, yeah. He’s been coming on to everyone. Especially since he learned how to turn himself into a bat.

Count Dracula: [ disgusted ] Oh, God! Renfield!

[ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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