Quentin Tarantino’s Welcome Back Kotter
Mr. Kotter…..Mike Myers
Julie Kotter…..Janene Garofalo
Hit Man #1…..Chris Farley
Hit Man #2…..Chris Elliot
Mr. Woodman…..Jay Mohr
Squiggy…..David L. Lander
Mr. Pink…..Steve Buscemi
[ open on interior, Mr. Kotter’s apartment, breakfast nook ]
Mr. Kotter: Hey, Julie, did I ever tell you about my Uncle Herbie Kotter from Poughkeepsie?
Julie Kotter: [ unenthused ] Why, no, Gabe. Tell me about your Uncle Herbie from Poughkeepsie.
Mr. Kotter: Well, Uncle Herbie was sort of a hippie. He decided to go hitchhiking across the country. But no one would ever pick him up, so he decided to walk! He walked across New York.. he walked across Pennsylvania.. halfway across Ohio..
Julie Kotter: Why only halfway?
Mr. Kotter: Well.. one day this van pulls up with these two guys. They throw him into the van, and they give Herbie the most savage beating I ever heard. They.. they go medieval on his ass, with a pair of pliers! And the whole time, they’re singing that song by The Archies..
Julie Kotter: “Sugar, Sugar”?
Mr. Kotter: Yeah, yeah. So, the whole time Herbie’s laying there, it’s like: “Sugar..” [ mimicks punching ] “Sugar, Sugar..” [ mimicks more punching ] [ suddenly, a pair of Hit Men rush into the apartment and point theirguns at Mr. Kotter’s face ]
Hit Man #1: Funny story, Kotter!
Hit Man #2: Yeah! Hilarious!
Julie Kotter: [ panicking ] Gabe! What’s happening?!
Hit Man #2: Cool it, bitch! [ holds out his gun, but him and his buddy are suddenly gunned down from the window ] [ the Sweathogs appear at the window, guns smoking fresh from the attack ]
Barbarino: [ near-hyperventilating ] Oh, my God, Mr. Kotter, I thought you was gonna die, I swear![ cut to standard “Welcome Back Kotter” opening sequence, John Sebastian singing “Welcome Back” ] [ SUPER: Quentin Tarantino’s Welcome Back Kotter ] [ “Welcome Back” scratches off, replaced by George Baker Selection’s “Little Green Bag” from the movie “Reservoir Dogs” ] [ cut to the Sweathogs and Mr. Kotter walking through their Brooklynneighborhood like street punks, introduced one by one: Barbarino, Horshack, Washington, Epstein, and Mr. Kotter ] [ music fades, cut to exterior, Brooklyn High School ] [ fade to interior, Mr. Kotter’s classroom ]
Mr. Kotter: [ entering ] Good morning! Good morning! I want tothank you Sweathogs for saving my life this morning..
Epstein: Hey there! It’s the least we could do, there, Mr. Kotter!
Horshak: [ raises his hand, gun packed tight ] Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Mr. Kotter: Yes, Horshak.
Horshak: Mr. Kot-tare. We’ve got a sur-prise for you. Look! [ the Sweathogs move towards a cloth-covered lump in the middle of the classroom ] Frederick?
Washington: [ peels off the cloth to reveal Mr. Woodman underneath ] Hi, there!
Horshak: It’s Mr. Wood-man! [ smacks the struggling Mr. Woodmanacross the face ]
Mr. Kotter: Listen.. you can’t tie up your principal!
Epstein: It’s okay, there, Mr. Kotter! [ dances to the front ofthe classroom ] I got a note!
Mr. Kotter: [ takes the note and reads ] “Dear, Mr. Kot-tare. Please allow Juan and his friends to tie up Mr. Woodman, and go medieval on his ass. Signed, Epstein’s Mother.” [ to Woodman ] He’s got a note. Barbarino, take off his gag.
Mr. Kotter: His gag.
Barbarino: Where?Mr. Kotter: His mouth Take off the gag.
Mr. Kotter: Mr. Woodman!
Barbarino: Alright! You don’t hafta shout. [ removes Woodman’s gag ]
Mr. Woodman: You’ll pay for this, Kotter! You and your Sweathogs! You better let me go, or I’ll kill you, Kotter!
Barbarino: Are you finished? [ puts gag back over Woodman’s mouth, ignoring his muffled screams ] Washington.
Washington: [ reaches down, picks up a container of gasoline, and pours it over the screaming Woodman ] Hi, there!
Mr. Kotter: You can’t light Mr. Woodman on fire! You’ll burn down the whole school!
Epstein: It’s okay, Mr. Kotter, I got another note!
Mr. Kotter: Would you get out of here with your notes![ Barbarino starts dancing to Stealer’s Wheel’s “Stuck in the Middle With You” ]
Barbarino: You can scream all you want, Mr. Woodman.. but you’regonna die! I swear! [ singing ] I said, “Bar-bar-bar,bar-barbarino..” Hit it, Horshak.
Horshak: Mr. Wood-man. You don’t look so good! [ does his laugh ]
Mr. Kotter: [ lights match ] Sorry, Woodman. School’s out.
Epstein: Goodbye, there, Mr. Woodman. If there’s a bigger, moredisgusting person on this planet, I’d like to see it.[ suddenly, Lenny and Squiggy from “Laverne & Shirley” enter the classroom, brandishing weapons of their own ]
Lenny: Alright, nobody move! If one of you walks to me, everybody dies!
Barbarino: Hey! Up your nose with a rubber hoses!
Squiggy: Yeah? Well, up your gizzard with a rubber lizard!
Lenny: That’s good. Did you just make that up?
Squiggy: I made it up in the car..[ Mr. Pink from “Reservoir Dogs” suddenly makes his entrance into theclassroom, pointing his gun at all of them ]
Mr. Pink: Okay! Up your hole with a mellow roll![ gunfire breaks loose everywhere, sending everyone to the floor, as the title superimposes onto the screen, and the show fades to black ]