“Office Space”, Part 3


“Office Space”, Part 3

[ show Milton sitting behind desk in what is now being used as his office ]

Milton: Mmm.. well.. f-first of all, they had no right to move me next down here, ‘cuz.. this area’s only supposed to be for storage. M-mmm.. those cabinets are blocking the cold air return.. and.. and it’s a health hazard. Mmm.. so.. if they don’t comply with the regulations, I could make one phone call, and have this entire building condemned. And.. and I could have Bill arrested.

[ sound of Bill’s footsteps in the hall, until he appears in doorway holding onto his trustedcup of coffee ]

Bill: Ah. Hello, Milton, what’s happening? Uh.. we’ve got kind of a problem. apparently, someone saw a cockroach up by the water cooler.. uh-yeahhh.. and the feeling is that they’re coming from down here.

Milton: Mmm.. w-well.. b-but my area is clean..

Bill: Yyyeahhh.. so, they’re gonna have to go ahead and spray in here.

Milton: W-well.. b-but.. Ray’s area up in Accounts Payable is filthy! An-and.. I saw mouse feces under his desk!

Bill: Yeahhh.. they’re definitely coming from in here. So, if you could just make a conscious effort to keep it clean down here, that would be great. Mmmkay? And the exterminator should be here any minute.

Milton: Mmm.. well.. R-ray always eats lunch at his desk, and.. and he spills crumbs on the floor. So..

Bill: And, uh.. one other thing. Technically, we’re not supposed to have anyone working down here. I don’t think it’s gonna be a problem, but, if anyone asks, just tell them you’re down here getting something, mmmkay?

Milton: Well.. but.. I would prefer not-

[ Exterminator papears in doorway behind Bill ]

Bill: Hiii, what’s happening? So, uh.. we’re all set here.. so, why don’t you just go ahead and spray?

Exterminator: Well, uh.. I could spray, but if you really want these things knocked out, uh.. why not just use a roach bomb? Since this is just dead storage down here.

Bill: Yyyeahhhh.. that would be terrific.

Milton: Um.. well..

Exterminator: I’ll go ahead and use the D-50 here. It’s the most powerful insecticide bomb they make. [ tosses roach bomb into the storage area, as fumes encompass an overlooked Milton ]

Bill: Yyyeahhhh.. that’s greeeatt.

Milton: Mmm..

Exterminator: Just make sure no one goes in here for about.. four or five days.

Bill: Grrreatt. Thanks a bunch. Buh-bye.

[ Bill and Exterminator exit down hall, leaving Milton surrounded by thick fumes ]

Milton: Well.. Okay, but.. as soon as I get done alphabetizing my purchase orders.. I’m gonna.. I’m gonna set the building on fire.

[ end ]

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x