Court TV


Court TV

Terry Moran…..Kevin Nealon
Marcia Clark…..Laura Kightlinger
Johnny Carson…..Dana Carvey
Kato Kaetlin…..David Spade
Robert Shapiro…..Michael McKean
Judge Ito…..Mike Myers
James Wallace…..Chris Elliot
Joan Embrey…..Janene Garafalo

Terry Nolan: Hello, I’m Terry Moran. Welcome to Court TV’s continuing coverage of the O.J. Simpson murder trial. An unusual twist in this already unusual case. Simpson, this week, added another high-profile, high-priced talent to his defense team.

[ dissolve to the O.J. Simpson trial, Marcia Clark questioning witness Kato Kaetlin ]

Marcia Clark: Thank you, Mr. Kaetlin. No further questions, Your Honor. Uh.. your witness.. Mr. Carson.

[ show Johnny Carson heading the defense table, Robert Shapiro and O.J. Simpson further down the table ]

Johnny Carson: [ holding a pencil ] Um.. now, uh.. Mr. Kaetlin? You had dinner with O.J. on the night of the murder?

Kato Kaetlin: [ relunctant to answer ] Yeah.

Johnny Carson: Um.. let me ask you something: Did he.. did he seem a little weird?

Kato Kaetlin: No, no, uh.. he was cool?

Johnny Carson: So, he didn’t seem agitated? A little ske-ewed?

Kato Kaetlin: Not that I noticed.. no.

Johnny Carson: Well, that is wild! That is some wild stuff that helps my client. [ looks at Robert Shapiro ] Isn’t that right, Bob?

Robert Shapiro: You arecorrect, sir!

Johnny Carson: [ to Kato ] Um.. you’re an interesting young witness. Would you ocme back and testify for us again sometime?

Kato Kaelin: Sure.. yeah.. thanks, I’d like to.

[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: The next day in court, Carson seemed momentarily shaken by the testimony of the prosecution’s DNA expert.

[ dissolve back to the courtroom ]

Johnny Carson: We are.. back! And, um.. we’re talking to James Wallace, the prosecution’s DNA expert! now, for those of you who may not know – DNA is genetic material. Is this, uh.. this is complex stuff. Right, Bob?

Robert Shapiro: Ha ha, yes, sir!

Judge Ito: Uh.. uh, Mr. Carson.. please.

Johnny Carson: Alright, alright.. now, ummm.. [ extended pause ] Now, a little birdy told me you tested O.J.’s DNA, is that it?

James Wallace: Yes, that’s correct. And we found that it matched the DNA of the blood samples found at the murder scene.

Johnny Carson: Correct me if I’m wrong, but there must be hundreds of people in the, uh.. Los Angeles area with the same DNA as my client?

James Wallace: Well, actually, no. This, uh.. test, uh.. uh.. actually rules out about 99.9999% of the population. It’s, uh.. actually better than fingerprints.

Johnny Carson: I did not know that! Did you know that, Bob?

Robert Shapiro: Yes!

Johnny Carson: Did you know that, O.J.? [ O.J. is silent ] Well, that is some weird, weird stuff! That is some weird, damaging stuff!

Robert Shapiro: Very damaging, YES!

[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: Two days later, Carson delivered a courtroom bombshell, in the form of a surprise witness: San Diego Zoo employee Joan Embrey.

[ dissolve back to the courtroom ]

Johnny Carson: We are.. back! Alright. Now, we had a little chaos in here. We are, um.. we’re joined by Joan.. Joan Embry, of the San Diego Zoo. What have you, uh.. what have you brought for us today?

Joan Embrey: Well, Johnny.. this is a domestic long hair. And, uh.. she’s your basic house cat. Her name is Marshmallow, and uh.. she may look very tame.. but, actually she’s closely related to the Siberian Tiger and the Leopard family.

Johnny Carson: So, you’re saying that this, uh.. this cat is basically a wild animal?

Joan Embrey: You could say that.

Johnny Carson: Well, that is wild! That’s wild. Now, um.. let me ask you this: uh.. could a cat.. hold a knife in its paws?

[ trying not to laugh ] That’s.. highly unlikely!

Johnny Carson: But you’re saying that it is possible?

Joan Embrey: Uh.. [ thinking ] I suppose so.. yes..

Robert Shapiro: Hey-ohhhhhhhh!! [ Johnny glares at Robert ] Ha ha!

Johnny Carson: A little early, isn’t it, Bob?

Robert Shapiro: Ho, ho ho ha..!

Johnny Carson: Anyway.. uh.. that’s some good stuff. That is some weird, wild stuff that, uh.. could establish reasonable doubt!

Robert Shapiro: Exculpitory evidence, O Great One! Ho ho..!

Johnny Carson: May Alan Dershowitz ask to borrow your co-o-o-ombb!

Robert Shapiro: Ho haaaa ha!

Johnny Carson: Now, um.. could I get a better look at that?

Joan Embrey: Sure. [ hands Johnny the cat ]

Johnny Carson: So, ummm.. let’s just say.. let’s just say a cat, in the heat of the moment.. grabs a knife, and just dort of loses control.

[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: Later in her testimony, Miss Embrey brought out more suspects, including a baby marmaset, and a ring-tailed lemur. Judge Ito them ordered a short recess to hose down the courtroom. When testimony resumed, Mr. Carson attempted to determine the contents of the mystery envelope.

[ dissolve back to the courtroom ]

Johnny Carson: “Bills.. Bills tailback.”

Robert Shapiro: [ repeating ] “Bills tailback!” Ho ho..!

Johnny Carson: May you be sequestered for a week with Al Cowlings’ sweatpants!

Robert Shapiro: Ho ho ho ha ho! Yes!

Johnny Carson: “Bills tailback..” [ tears envelope open ] Do you like this, Judge? [ blows into the envelope, for easier access to the card inside ] “What does Hillary Clinton want from Gennifer Flowers?”

Robert Shapiro: Hey-ohhhhhhhhhhhh!!

[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: That’s all for today at the O.J. Simpson trial. Join us tomorrow for Johnny and his guests: L.A.P.D. detective Rick Fuhrmann, limo driver Allan Park, and comedian Buddy Hackett.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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