Pepper Boy


Pepper Boy

Marco…..Dana Carvey
Female Diner #1…..Laura Kightlinger
Male Diner #1…..Kevin Nealon
Carlo…..Adam Sandler
Female Diner #2…..Janene Garafalo
Male Diner #2…..Tim Meadows
Male Diner #3…..Chris Elliot
Male Diner #4…..Chris Farley
Manager…..Michael McKean


[ open on couple seated at table in fancy restaurant, as pepper boy Marco steps forward ]

Marco: A-fresh a-pepper?

Female Diner #1: Oh.. sure.

Marco: Alright. Say when. [ grinds pepper oh-so-sexy ]

Female Diner #1: When.

Marco: [ stops grinding pepper ] A-grazi! [ turns to Male Diner #1 ] Fresh pepper?

Male Diner #1: Just a little bit,

Marco: Alright. [ grinds pepper oh-so-sexy ] Say when.

Male Diner #1: Uh.. that’s good.

Marco: [ stops grinding pepper ] A-grazi!

[ Marco walks towards the back, where Carlo nervously awaits ]

Marco: Look, Carlo, come here! You see what I am doing with the pepper? You see what I do with the pepper?

Carlo: Yes, Senor Marco..

Marco: The people! The people they want the pepper, alright? They want the pepper! I grind the pepper! That is the job of the pepper boy, you understand?!

Carlo: Fresh-a pepper.

Marco: Yes. Very good, very good. Some day, Carlo, you will-a be a pepper boy! Now, watch. You pick up as a-we a-go, okay? Come on, now. [ approaches next couple at table, as Marco follows closely ] Fresh.. pepper?

Female Diner #2: Sure.

Marco: [ begins to grind pepper in a sexy manner ] Say wheeenn..

[ Female Diner #2 moans excitedly ]

Marco: Say wheeeeennnnnn..

Female Diner #2: When! When! [ stands up to kiss Marco on the lips ]

Marco: A-graziiiii! [ returns to Carlo ] You see? You see, Carlo? You see how the pepper works, Carlo?

Carlo: I am afraid, Senor Marco..

not be afraid of the pepper, Carlo! The pepper is your friend!Alright? Look! I see a salad! You go, you take-a the pepper. [ hands pepper grinder to Carlo ]

Carlo: [ hesitant ] No, no, no..

Carlo: You take-a the pepper, Carlo! Take-a the pepper! Take-a the pepper! Now, go! Go with the pepper.

Carlo: [ approaches table cautiously ] Fresh-a pepper?

Male Diner #2: Sure. Sounds good.

Carlo: [ bows ] A-grazi! [ returns to Marco ]

Marco: Carlo, didn’t you forget-a something, huh?

Carlo: Uh.. oh, yes.. [ returns to table, kisses Male Diner #2, returns to Marco ]

Marco: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Carlo! No! You make-a a mistake!

Carlo: The a-grazi?

Marco: No! That part, the a-grazi was good! But you no give-a the pepper! That’s the whole point, Carlo! Here. you watch me, alright? Here we go. Watch-a the pepper. [ takes pepper grinder and approaches table ] Fresh-a pepper?

Male Diner #2: Yes. I’ve been waiting quite some time for this pepper I’ve heard so much about.

Marco: Say whenn.. [ grinds pepper from behind his back ] You like-a the pepper, huh?

Male Diner #2: Wow! Very good!

Marco: You like-a the fresh-a pepper, huh? Let’s-a get some pepper in there.. let’s-a get some pepper. [ raises one leg on Male Diner #2’s chair, then places pepper grinder between his legs to grind pepper as though masturbating ] You like-a the pepper?

Male Diner #2: [ excited ] Yeahhh..

Marco: You like-a the pepper?

Male Diner #2: That’s good!

Marco: Senorita, like-a the pepper, huh? You like-a the pepper?

Male Diner #2: That’s very good, thank you so much!

Marco: [ stands behind Male Diner #2, who has his arms raised, grinding the pepper with him between the action ] Let’s-a get back over-a here. Remember, to-a say when, let’s get behind here, give-a more pepper. You like-a that, huh?

Male Diner #2: Yeah!

Marco: You like-a that, huh?

Male Diner #2: Yeahhhh!

Marco: You like-a that, huh?

Male Diner #2: Yeahhhh! Yeahhhhh! Yeah!

Marco: Alright!

Male Diner #2: Thank you very much! Your wizardry with that pepper mill really brightened my day! Here’s $200!

Marco: A-grazi! [ returns with Carlo to the back ] Now, now, now.. come here, come here.. come here, Carlo! Now, now! Let me tell you! You see what I do with the pepper, huh? You see? You got to also say “When?” and then, you also got to give them the pepper! Okay?

Carlo: When?

Marco: Yes!

Carlo: Give-a the pepper.

Marco: Yes! That’s-a very good! Very good! I be-lieve in all-a my heart, you can do this, Carlo! Now.. try again, alrght? You take-a the pepper, you try again. Let’s-a go.

Carlo: Fresh-a pepper?

Male Diner #3: On my chocolate mousse? No thank you.

Carlo: Say when. [ begins to grind pepper onto the chocolate mousse ]

Male Diner #3: No! [ Carlo keeps grinding ] Hey, cut it out, come on!

Carlo: Say when.

Male Diner #3: No, come on! Don’t!

Carlo: Say when!

Male Diner #3: No, come on! Come on!

Carlo: [ places the grinder between his legs, gridning the pepper toward the mousse as though he were humping the table ] Say when! Say when! Say when! Say when!

Marco: Carlo! Carlo! Carlo! [ slaps Carlo repeatedly across the face ] Carlo, I love you, but sometimes..

Carlo: I do bad things?

Marco: No, no, no, no, not everybody want the pepper, Carlo! There are rules! The man eat a chocolate mousse, he no get the pepper! Alright!

Carlo: No pepper?

Marco: No pepper! But the woman with the Caeser salad, she a-get a-the pepper!

Carlo: Pepper!

Marco: That’s right. This is the art of the pepper boy, Carlo! Don’t let it die with me! Please.. let me-a teach it to you!

Carlo: Teach me, Senor Marco.

Marco: Alright. You see the man right there. [ points to Male Diner #4, who sports a big, fat bushy beard ] Yeah.

Carlo: Biiiigggg, faaaattt bushy beard?

Marco: Big, fat bushy beard. He like-a three twists of pepper!

Carlo: Three?

Marco: Three! Now.. make-a me proud! Hah?

[ Carlo nervously zeroes in on Male Diner #4 ]

Carlo: Fresh-a pepper?

Male Diner #4: [ enthusiastic ] Why.. yes!

Carlo: [ apprehensively, Carlo steadies his pepper grinder over Male Diner #4’s plate ] Say.. when.

Marco: [ supportive of Carlo ] Alright.. alright..

Carlo: [ twists pepper grinder ] One.. two.. [ nervous, pauses as Male Diner #4 and Marco watch patiently ] ..three..

Male Diner #4: [ grateful ] Why.. thank you, Pepper Boy! That’s the perfect amount of pepper! Bravo!

Carlo: Grazi!

[ Carlo returns to Marco, feeling proud of himself ]

Marco: Oh, you did it, Carlo! You did it! How do you feel?

Carlo: Like I can fly, Senor! On-a wings made of pepper!

Marco: I’ve been a-waiting so long for this, Carlo! Come here! Come here! Come here! Look! Look at this!

Carlo: [ in awe ] My own pepper!

Marco: Yes! It’s for you! I love you, Carlo!

[ Manager steps into the scene amidst Marco and Carlo’s celebration ]

Manager: I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news, boys. I just bought one of these electric pepper grinders for every table in the place! [ demonstrates the whirring pepper grinder ] How about that, huh! You’re both fired! [ exits ]

Marco: This is an outrage, Carlo! We-a gonna show them! We open-a our own restaurant! Together!!

Voiceover: [ over scrolling SUPER ] “Marco and Carlo’s restaurat, Fresh-a Pepper, opened the next summer. It was an immediate success. Dishes created in their kitchen, such as the Pepper Sandwich, Steamed Pepper a la Marco, and Pepper Surprise, a big pile of pepper, made them famous. In 1993, Carlo died of pepper lung, but Marco is still alive today, in a nursing home made of oregano; they were out of pepper.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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