Pepper Boy

Pepper Boy

Marco…..Dana Carvey
Female Diner #1…..Laura Kightlinger
Male Diner #1…..Kevin Nealon
Carlo…..Adam Sandler
Female Diner #2…..Janene Garafalo
Male Diner #2…..Tim Meadows
Male Diner #3…..Chris Elliot
Male Diner #4…..Chris Farley
Manager…..Michael McKean

[ open on couple seated at table in fancy restaurant, as pepper boy Marco steps forward ]

Marco: A-fresh a-pepper?

Female Diner #1: Oh.. sure.

Marco: Alright. Say when. [ grinds pepper oh-so-sexy ]

Female Diner #1: When.

Marco: [ stops grinding pepper ] A-grazi! [ turns to Male Diner #1 ] Fresh pepper?

Male Diner #1: Just a little bit,

Marco: Alright. [ grinds pepper oh-so-sexy ] Say when.

Male Diner #1: Uh.. that’s good.

Marco: [ stops grinding pepper ] A-grazi!

[ Marco walks towards the back, where Carlo nervously awaits ]

Marco: Look, Carlo, come here! You see what I am doing with the pepper? You see what I do with the pepper?

Carlo: Yes, Senor Marco..

Marco: The people! The people they want the pepper, alright? They want the pepper! I grind the pepper! That is the job of the pepper boy, you understand?!

Carlo: Fresh-a pepper.

Marco: Yes. Very good, very good. Some day, Carlo, you will-a be a pepper boy! Now, watch. You pick up as a-we a-go, okay? Come on, now. [ approaches next couple at table, as Marco follows closely ] Fresh.. pepper?

Female Diner #2: Sure.

Marco: [ begins to grind pepper in a sexy manner ] Say wheeenn..

[ Female Diner #2 moans excitedly ]

Marco: Say wheeeeennnnnn..

Female Diner #2: When! When! [ stands up to kiss Marco on the lips ]

Marco: A-graziiiii! [ returns to Carlo ] You see? You see, Carlo? You see how the pepper works, Carlo?

Carlo: I am afraid, Senor Marco..

not be afraid of the pepper, Carlo! The pepper is your friend!Alright? Look! I see a salad! You go, you take-a the pepper. [ hands pepper grinder to Carlo ]

Carlo: [ hesitant ] No, no, no..

Carlo: You take-a the pepper, Carlo! Take-a the pepper! Take-a the pepper! Now, go! Go with the pepper.

Carlo: [ approaches table cautiously ] Fresh-a pepper?

Male Diner #2: Sure. Sounds good.

Carlo: [ bows ] A-grazi! [ returns to Marco ]

Marco: Carlo, didn’t you forget-a something, huh?

Carlo: Uh.. oh, yes.. [ returns to table, kisses Male Diner #2, returns to Marco ]

Marco: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Carlo! No! You make-a a mistake!

Carlo: The a-grazi?

Marco: No! That part, the a-grazi was good! But you no give-a the pepper! That’s the whole point, Carlo! Here. you watch me, alright? Here we go. Watch-a the pepper. [ takes pepper grinder and approaches table ] Fresh-a pepper?

Male Diner #2: Yes. I’ve been waiting quite some time for this pepper I’ve heard so much about.

Marco: Say whenn.. [ grinds pepper from behind his back ] You like-a the pepper, huh?

Male Diner #2: Wow! Very good!

Marco: You like-a the fresh-a pepper, huh? Let’s-a get some pepper in there.. let’s-a get some pepper. [ raises one leg on Male Diner #2’s chair, then places pepper grinder between his legs to grind pepper as though masturbating ] You like-a the pepper?

Male Diner #2: [ excited ] Yeahhh..

Marco: You like-a the pepper?

Male Diner #2: That’s good!

Marco: Senorita, like-a the pepper, huh? You like-a the pepper?

Male Diner #2: That’s very good, thank you so much!

Marco: [ stands behind Male Diner #2, who has his arms raised, grinding the pepper with him between the action ] Let’s-a get back over-a here. Remember, to-a say when, let’s get behind here, give-a more pepper. You like-a that, huh?

Male Diner #2: Yeah!

Marco: You like-a that, huh?

Male Diner #2: Yeahhhh!

Marco: You like-a that, huh?

Male Diner #2: Yeahhhh! Yeahhhhh! Yeah!

Marco: Alright!

Male Diner #2: Thank you very much! Your wizardry with that pepper mill really brightened my day! Here’s $200!

Marco: A-grazi! [ returns with Carlo to the back ] Now, now, now.. come here, come here.. come here, Carlo! Now, now! Let me tell you! You see what I do with the pepper, huh? You see? You got to also say “When?” and then, you also got to give them the pepper! Okay?

Carlo: When?

Marco: Yes!

Carlo: Give-a the pepper.

Marco: Yes! That’s-a very good! Very good! I be-lieve in all-a my heart, you can do this, Carlo! Now.. try again, alrght? You take-a the pepper, you try again. Let’s-a go.

Carlo: Fresh-a pepper?

Male Diner #3: On my chocolate mousse? No thank you.

Carlo: Say when. [ begins to grind pepper onto the chocolate mousse ]

Male Diner #3: No! [ Carlo keeps grinding ] Hey, cut it out, come on!

Carlo: Say when.

Male Diner #3: No, come on! Don’t!

Carlo: Say when!

Male Diner #3: No, come on! Come on!

Carlo: [ places the grinder between his legs, gridning the pepper toward the mousse as though he were humping the table ] Say when! Say when! Say when! Say when!

Marco: Carlo! Carlo! Carlo! [ slaps Carlo repeatedly across the face ] Carlo, I love you, but sometimes..

Carlo: I do bad things?

Marco: No, no, no, no, not everybody want the pepper, Carlo! There are rules! The man eat a chocolate mousse, he no get the pepper! Alright!

Carlo: No pepper?

Marco: No pepper! But the woman with the Caeser salad, she a-get a-the pepper!

Carlo: Pepper!

Marco: That’s right. This is the art of the pepper boy, Carlo! Don’t let it die with me! Please.. let me-a teach it to you!

Carlo: Teach me, Senor Marco.

Marco: Alright. You see the man right there. [ points to Male Diner #4, who sports a big, fat bushy beard ] Yeah.

Carlo: Biiiigggg, faaaattt bushy beard?

Marco: Big, fat bushy beard. He like-a three twists of pepper!

Carlo: Three?

Marco: Three! Now.. make-a me proud! Hah?

[ Carlo nervously zeroes in on Male Diner #4 ]

Carlo: Fresh-a pepper?

Male Diner #4: [ enthusiastic ] Why.. yes!

Carlo: [ apprehensively, Carlo steadies his pepper grinder over Male Diner #4’s plate ] Say.. when.

Marco: [ supportive of Carlo ] Alright.. alright..

Carlo: [ twists pepper grinder ] One.. two.. [ nervous, pauses as Male Diner #4 and Marco watch patiently ] ..three..

Male Diner #4: [ grateful ] Why.. thank you, Pepper Boy! That’s the perfect amount of pepper! Bravo!

Carlo: Grazi!

[ Carlo returns to Marco, feeling proud of himself ]

Marco: Oh, you did it, Carlo! You did it! How do you feel?

Carlo: Like I can fly, Senor! On-a wings made of pepper!

Marco: I’ve been a-waiting so long for this, Carlo! Come here! Come here! Come here! Look! Look at this!

Carlo: [ in awe ] My own pepper!

Marco: Yes! It’s for you! I love you, Carlo!

[ Manager steps into the scene amidst Marco and Carlo’s celebration ]

Manager: I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news, boys. I just bought one of these electric pepper grinders for every table in the place! [ demonstrates the whirring pepper grinder ] How about that, huh! You’re both fired! [ exits ]

Marco: This is an outrage, Carlo! We-a gonna show them! We open-a our own restaurant! Together!!

Voiceover: [ over scrolling SUPER ] “Marco and Carlo’s restaurat, Fresh-a Pepper, opened the next summer. It was an immediate success. Dishes created in their kitchen, such as the Pepper Sandwich, Steamed Pepper a la Marco, and Pepper Surprise, a big pile of pepper, made them famous. In 1993, Carlo died of pepper lung, but Marco is still alive today, in a nursing home made of oregano; they were out of pepper.”

[ fade ]

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