Female Diner #1…..Laura Kightlinger
Male Diner #1…..Kevin Nealon
Female Diner #2…..Janene Garafalo
Male Diner #2…..Tim Meadows
Male Diner #3…..Chris Elliot
Male Diner #4…..Chris Farley
[ open on couple seated at table in fancy restaurant, as pepper boy Marco steps forward ]
Marco: A-fresh a-pepper?
Female Diner #1: Oh.. sure.
Marco: Alright. Say when. [ grinds pepper oh-so-sexy ]
Female Diner #1: When.
Marco: [ stops grinding pepper ] A-grazi! [ turns to Male Diner #1 ] Fresh pepper?
Male Diner #1: Just a little bit,
Marco: Alright. [ grinds pepper oh-so-sexy ] Say when.
Male Diner #1: Uh.. that’s good.
Marco: [ stops grinding pepper ] A-grazi!
[ Marco walks towards the back, where Carlo nervously awaits ]
Marco: Look, Carlo, come here! You see what I am doing with the pepper? You see what I do with the pepper?
Carlo: Yes, Senor Marco..
Marco: The people! The people they want the pepper, alright? They want the pepper! I grind the pepper! That is the job of the pepper boy, you understand?!
Carlo: Fresh-a pepper.
Marco: Yes. Very good, very good. Some day, Carlo, you will-a be a pepper boy! Now, watch. You pick up as a-we a-go, okay? Come on, now. [ approaches next couple at table, as Marco follows closely ] Fresh.. pepper?
Female Diner #2: Sure.
Marco: [ begins to grind pepper in a sexy manner ] Say wheeenn..
[ Female Diner #2 moans excitedly ]
Marco: Say wheeeeennnnnn..
Female Diner #2: When! When! [ stands up to kiss Marco on the lips ]
Marco: A-graziiiii! [ returns to Carlo ] You see? You see, Carlo? You see how the pepper works, Carlo?
Carlo: I am afraid, Senor Marco..
not be afraid of the pepper, Carlo! The pepper is your friend!Alright? Look! I see a salad! You go, you take-a the pepper. [ hands pepper grinder to Carlo ]
Carlo: [ hesitant ] No, no, no..
Carlo: You take-a the pepper, Carlo! Take-a the pepper! Take-a the pepper! Now, go! Go with the pepper.
Carlo: [ approaches table cautiously ] Fresh-a pepper?
Male Diner #2: Sure. Sounds good.
Carlo: [ bows ] A-grazi! [ returns to Marco ]
Marco: Carlo, didn’t you forget-a something, huh?
Carlo: Uh.. oh, yes.. [ returns to table, kisses Male Diner #2, returns to Marco ]
Marco: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Carlo! No! You make-a a mistake!
Carlo: The a-grazi?
Marco: No! That part, the a-grazi was good! But you no give-a the pepper! That’s the whole point, Carlo! Here. you watch me, alright? Here we go. Watch-a the pepper. [ takes pepper grinder and approaches table ] Fresh-a pepper?
Male Diner #2: Yes. I’ve been waiting quite some time for this pepper I’ve heard so much about.
Marco: Say whenn.. [ grinds pepper from behind his back ] You like-a the pepper, huh?
Male Diner #2: Wow! Very good!
Marco: You like-a the fresh-a pepper, huh? Let’s-a get some pepper in there.. let’s-a get some pepper. [ raises one leg on Male Diner #2’s chair, then places pepper grinder between his legs to grind pepper as though masturbating ] You like-a the pepper?
Male Diner #2: [ excited ] Yeahhh..
Marco: You like-a the pepper?
Male Diner #2: That’s good!
Marco: Senorita, like-a the pepper, huh? You like-a the pepper?
Male Diner #2: That’s very good, thank you so much!
Marco: [ stands behind Male Diner #2, who has his arms raised, grinding the pepper with him between the action ] Let’s-a get back over-a here. Remember, to-a say when, let’s get behind here, give-a more pepper. You like-a that, huh?
Male Diner #2: Yeah!
Marco: You like-a that, huh?
Male Diner #2: Yeahhhh!
Marco: You like-a that, huh?
Male Diner #2: Yeahhhh! Yeahhhhh! Yeah!
Male Diner #2: Thank you very much! Your wizardry with that pepper mill really brightened my day! Here’s $200!
Marco: A-grazi! [ returns with Carlo to the back ] Now, now, now.. come here, come here.. come here, Carlo! Now, now! Let me tell you! You see what I do with the pepper, huh? You see? You got to also say “When?” and then, you also got to give them the pepper! Okay?
Carlo: Give-a the pepper.
Marco: Yes! That’s-a very good! Very good! I be-lieve in all-a my heart, you can do this, Carlo! Now.. try again, alrght? You take-a the pepper, you try again. Let’s-a go.
Carlo: Fresh-a pepper?
Male Diner #3: On my chocolate mousse? No thank you.
Carlo: Say when. [ begins to grind pepper onto the chocolate mousse ]
Male Diner #3: No! [ Carlo keeps grinding ] Hey, cut it out, come on!
Carlo: Say when.
Male Diner #3: No, come on! Don’t!
Carlo: Say when!
Male Diner #3: No, come on! Come on!
Carlo: [ places the grinder between his legs, gridning the pepper toward the mousse as though he were humping the table ] Say when! Say when! Say when! Say when!
Marco: Carlo! Carlo! Carlo! [ slaps Carlo repeatedly across the face ] Carlo, I love you, but sometimes..
Carlo: I do bad things?
Marco: No, no, no, no, not everybody want the pepper, Carlo! There are rules! The man eat a chocolate mousse, he no get the pepper! Alright!
Carlo: No pepper?
Marco: No pepper! But the woman with the Caeser salad, she a-get a-the pepper!
Marco: That’s right. This is the art of the pepper boy, Carlo! Don’t let it die with me! Please.. let me-a teach it to you!
Carlo: Teach me, Senor Marco.
Marco: Alright. You see the man right there. [ points to Male Diner #4, who sports a big, fat bushy beard ] Yeah.
Carlo: Biiiigggg, faaaattt bushy beard?
Marco: Big, fat bushy beard. He like-a three twists of pepper!
Marco: Three! Now.. make-a me proud! Hah?
[ Carlo nervously zeroes in on Male Diner #4 ]
Carlo: Fresh-a pepper?
Male Diner #4: [ enthusiastic ] Why.. yes!
Carlo: [ apprehensively, Carlo steadies his pepper grinder over Male Diner #4’s plate ] Say.. when.
Marco: [ supportive of Carlo ] Alright.. alright..
Carlo: [ twists pepper grinder ] One.. two.. [ nervous, pauses as Male Diner #4 and Marco watch patiently ] ..three..
Male Diner #4: [ grateful ] Why.. thank you, Pepper Boy! That’s the perfect amount of pepper! Bravo!
[ Carlo returns to Marco, feeling proud of himself ]
Marco: Oh, you did it, Carlo! You did it! How do you feel?
Carlo: Like I can fly, Senor! On-a wings made of pepper!
Marco: I’ve been a-waiting so long for this, Carlo! Come here! Come here! Come here! Look! Look at this!
Carlo: [ in awe ] My own pepper!
Marco: Yes! It’s for you! I love you, Carlo!
[ Manager steps into the scene amidst Marco and Carlo’s celebration ]
Manager: I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news, boys. I just bought one of these electric pepper grinders for every table in the place! [ demonstrates the whirring pepper grinder ] How about that, huh! You’re both fired! [ exits ]
Marco: This is an outrage, Carlo! We-a gonna show them! We open-a our own restaurant! Together!!
Voiceover: [ over scrolling SUPER ] “Marco and Carlo’s restaurat, Fresh-a Pepper, opened the next summer. It was an immediate success. Dishes created in their kitchen, such as the Pepper Sandwich, Steamed Pepper a la Marco, and Pepper Surprise, a big pile of pepper, made them famous. In 1993, Carlo died of pepper lung, but Marco is still alive today, in a nursing home made of oregano; they were out of pepper.”
[ fade ]