Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
… Norm MacDonald
… Al Franken
Hans … Dana Carvey
Franz … Kevin Nealon
[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit, sits at the WU desk andremoves the paper clip from his well-organized sheafof papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonaldand this is the news:
Judge Lance Ito this week barred all potential jurorsfrom reading Faye Resnick’s controversial new bookNicole Brown Simpson: Diary of a LifeInterrupted. The judge also barred them fromreading Faye Resnick’s other new book entitledJudge Lance Ito is a Big Fruit. …
In other book news, Prince Charles released anautobiography in which he states that he never lovedPrincess Di and that his father pressured him to marryher. The book is entitled Of Course, O. J. Did It– I Mean, C’mon! …
And the Pope came out with a book this week whichcontains a series of essays examining faith andmorality in today’s secular world and the changingrole of the Catholic Church as it approaches the 21stcentury. The book is entitled God Himself Told MeThat O. J. is Guilty. … [cheers, applause andmuch whistling]
Queen Elizabeth II visited Russia this week, becomingthe first English monarch to set foot in the SovietUnion. The visit, which will last for two weeks, isexpected to have absolutely no effect on anythingwhatsoever. [mild reaction, Norm grins and nods toindicate that that’s all there is to the joke] …[brief pity applause]
Norm MacDonald: Well, now that Election Day isjust two weeks away, here, with his report on Campaign’94, Weekend Update political correspondent AlFranken. Al?
Al Franken: Hello, Norm. Thank you.
Norm MacDonald: Now, Al, uh, you’ve beencovering these midterm races?
Al Franken: Uh, yes.
Norm MacDonald: Any general trends seem to beemerging?
Al Franken: Uh, yes, Norm. This appears to bethe roughest campaign year ever.
Norm MacDonald: Negative campaigning?
Al Franken: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I’ve been coveringpolitics for a long time and this is, without a doubt,the most mean-spirited year I’ve ever seen. Now, takefor example, Massachusetts [scattered applause] whereSenate challenger Mitt Romney is spending millions ofdollars on attack ads like this one. Watch.[Dissolve to ad with photo of a ruddy-faced TedKennedy accompanied by minor key music and adeep-throated, smarmy announcer’s voice over.]
Announcer V/O: On October 14th, 1978, TedKennedy is seen puking in the parking lot of the U.S.Capitol. … On February 8th, 1983, Kennedy relieveshimself on the leg of a Georgetown waitress. … Twoyears later, Kennedy passes out on the floor of theSenate, soiling himself in the process. … Kennedy –He’s a big, fat drunk. …[Cheers and applause as we dissolve back to Al andNorm at the desk.]
Norm MacDonald: Yeah. Yeah, that wastough.
Al Franken: It’s a tough year. Tough year. …And it’s really become a no-holds barred contest. Uh,watch this. This is one of Kennedy’s attack ads onRomney.[Dissolve to another ad with minor key music and adeep-throated, smarmy announcer’s voice over.]
Announcer V/O: [Image of Brigham Young] Mormonprophet Brigham Young believed that a man ought tohave as many wives as he wants. Apparently, MittRomney agrees. [Side by side images of Young andRomney] After all, he’s a Mormon. [Upbeat trumpetfanfare as we dissolve to a photo of Mr. and Mrs. TedKennedy.] Ted Kennedy — One Wife at a Time….[Cheers and applause as we dissolve back to Al andNorm at the desk.]
Norm MacDonald: Okay, so Massachusetts, then,is the nation’s dirtiest race.
Al Franken: Oh, no. No, uh, I want you to watchthis one. It’s a Huffington ad run in California andthe key here is that this is run only on Christiancable stations. Watch this.[Dissolve to a third ad with photo of Diane Feinsteinaccompanied by even darker minor key music and an evenmore snide announcer’s voice over.]
Announcer V/O: Diane Feinstein is againstprayer in school. And no wonder. She’s a Jew.…[Dissolve back to Al and Norm at the desk, bothshaking their heads.]
Norm MacDonald: Man, that was – that – that wasugly. …
Al Franken: It was ugly. It’s an ugly year….
Norm MacDonald: Well, that has to be the mostunprincipled ad in the country.
Al Franken: You know, that’s what I thought,Norm … I saw this Pataki ad run right here in NewYork, an attack ad on Governor Cuomo. Let’s watchthis.[Dissolve to a fourth ad, similar to the others, witha photo of Mario Cuomo.]
Announcer V/O: Mario Cuomo says he’s tough oncrime. But what Mario Cuomo will not tell you is thatin 1968, he was involved in a chainsaw massacre. …[Footage of a chain saw being switched on and someonebrutally thrusting the chainsaw into a man’s crotch]Cuomo — He’s a Murderer. …[Cheers and applause as we dissolve back to Al and astunned Norm.]
Al Franken: That’s – That’s a negativead. …
Norm MacDonald: Man, well, at least, that’s,uh, that’s the worst one.
Al Franken: Yeah, but, uh, remember, Norm,there’s still two and a half weeks left in thecampaign. [grins broadly]
Norm MacDonald: Thanks, Al. Al Franken, ladiesand gentlemen! [Cheers and applause, Norm shakes handswith Al]
Al Franken: Thank you.
Norm MacDonald: Al Franken!
To discourage worship of the Dalai Lama, the Chinesegovernment has banned all photos of the exiled Tibetanleader, except for this photo from the 70’s. [Doctoredphoto of Dalai Lama wearing long sideburns, a loud,wide-collared shirt and a matching jacket and pantsensemble.] …
[Photo of Princess Diana standing next to a geeky,starstruck uniformed doorman] New York City doormanLenny Ladenhoff nearly fell over from shock whenPrincess Diana confided to him that she was feelinghorny … and invited him to drop by her hotel suiteThursday evening. Way to go Lenny! … [briefapplause]
Las Vegas mogul Steve Wynn has announced plans for anew hotel forty-six stories high set on a seventeenacre island in the middle of a fifty acre artificiallake on the Las Vegas strip. In a related story, Motel6 now has shampoo. …
Helmut Kohl was elected to his fourth term asGermany’s chancellor this week. Experts say Mr. Kohl’ssuccess was guaranteed after he won the backing ofsinging sensation David Hasselhoff. … Which onceagain proves my old theory: Germans love DavidHasselhoff. … [applause]
Norm MacDonald: And now, here with a commentary… [crowd squeals with delight] … Hans andFranz![Cheers and applause for Hans and Franz, former TVhosts of an informative training program for theserious weightlifter. A vocal arrangement of whatsounds like a J. K. Emmett yodel accompanies theirarrival. They wear gray sweat shirts over theirmuscular bodies, are each missing a tooth at the frontof their mouths, and continually flex and posethroughout their commentary, which they speak withthick Austrian accents.]
Hans: All right. All right.
Franz: All right.
Hans: Yeah, thank you very much. Long time, nosee. I am Hans.
Franz: Ya! And I am Franz and we just want togive–
Hans and Franz: [clap their hands] Aneditorial! …
Hans: All right. That’s right. But first ofall, we have to apologize.
Franz: Yeah, that’s right, Hans. It must bevery frustrating for you to see our properly pumped-upbodies crammed behind this puny little desk.
Hans: Ya! You know, we came back from asabbatical and then we said, “Where’s our spaciousgymnasium?” And they said– [falters, overcome withemotion] Ya, they said–
Franz: Say it, Hans.
Hans: Ya, right. They said they threw itout!
Franz: Ya, ya, right in the garbage. Ourbeautiful gymnasium!
Hans: Life-size cut-outs of Arnold –irreplaceable! …
Franz: That’s right. All of it, gone. And theysay, “Why don’t you just do an editorial onUpdate?”
Hans: Yeah, Update — where reoccurringcharacters go to die!
Franz: That’s right. … Hear me now, we arenot here to talk. We are here to give–
Hans and Franz: [clap] Warnings!
Franz: To all the other reoccurringcharacters.
Hans: Yes, hear me now and believe me later …Enjoy your popularity while it lasts — because it allends up at this desk right here. …
Franz: That’s right, Hans. Ya, that’s right.You – you hear that, “Coffee Talk” Lady?
Hans: Ya, more like Flabby Talk Lady!
Franz: Ya, ya, the Update graveyard is calling.Yoo-hoo!
Hans: Yoo-hoo, hello, “Coffee Talk” Lady!Hello! We could crush you like a fly between ourmuscular buttocks but then you’d get all verklempt!…
Franz: Ya. Ya, and you, too, Stuart Smalley,you sensitive, pathetic girly-man. … Because you’repuny enough, you’re flabby enough and, doggone it,you’re a loser. … [cheers and applause]
Hans: Ya! Ya, that’s right, Stuart Smalley.Your muscles are so puny they don’t even register onthe Flab-o-meter. …
Franz: Ya, that’s right. Ya, believe me, if yousaw it, you would be flab-bergasted. …
Hans: That’s right. And you, too, Mr. MotivatedSpeaker.
Franz: Ya, that’s right. You might be living ina van down by the river now — but soon you will beliving in a new – in a van down by the Updatedesk!
Hans: That’s right.
Franz: Next to Hans and Franz and–
Hans: That’s right.
Franz: [to Norm] –and what is your name?Twiggy?
Hans: Twiggy Man here. [to Norm] What’s yourname, Twiggy? What is it?
Norm MacDonald: Norm. Norm, Norm.
Franz: Next to Hans and Franz andTwiggy.
Hans: Ya! That’s right. Twiggy Man. …
Norm MacDonald: Look, guys, we really don’thave time for this. Do you have anything else tosay?
Hans: [to Norm] We don’t have time for this?What do we have time for?
Franz: [to Norm] All right. Yeah, we’re justabout finished. You know, the guy who was here beforeyou was much nicer. … [extended cheers and applause- Kevin Nealon, playing Franz, was the previous Updateanchor]
Hans: All right. Now, it’s okay. You know, weall have to have a sense of humor. [to Norm] Don’t getyour puny muscles all in a little bunch. [to thecamera] Once again, I am Hans.
Franz: Ya. And I am Franz.
Hans and Franz: And we just want to [clap] getour set back!
Hans: Thank you![Rousing cheers and applause milked by Hans and Franzwho flex and pose impressively.]
Norm MacDonald: Hans and Franz! Hans and Franz,everybody! [Hans continues to milk applause, much toNorm’s amusement] Hans – and Franz. [Norm sighs andstarts to read the next item but must pause to gatherhimself] The …[Photo of teenage boy displaying a scarred leg] TheBrazilian teenager suing Michael Jackson for runninghim over with his van displayed his scars for aphotographer this week. Jackson said through aspokesman that the suit was baseless but he’d like tosee more photos. … [some groans from thecrowd]
A jury this week awarded 8.9 million dollars to a manwho said Tylenol destroyed his liver. Immediatelyfollowing the decision, Tylenol announced its newadvertising campaign: “Take Tylenol — and you justmight win 8.9 million dollars.” … [someapplause]
Well, a beef-flavored water for dogs hit stores thisweek. And dogs are eagerly anticipating the arrivalnext month of the newest water flavor: “Other Dogs’Asses.” … [cheers, applause, groans]
[Image of Dr. Suess cartoon character the Cat in theHat] And finally, in honor of the 50th anniversary oftheir first publication, Random House will bereleasing special commemorative issues of many Dr.Suess classics. The first to hit the bookshelves willbe Green Eggs and Ham and O.J. is Guilty. …[applause]
And that’s all for now. Good night![Music. Cheers and applause. Pull back and fade awayas Norm shuffles his disorganized mass of papers onthe desk. ]