Good Morning Brooklyn
Angela Tucci…..Sarah Jessica Parker
James Barone…..Jay Mohr
Richard Diller…..Chris Farley
Angela Tucci: Hello! And welcome to “Good Morning Brooklyn”! I’m Angela Tucci! Wit’ me as always, is James Barone!
James Barone: Alright. Good morning, Brooklyn. How are ya, huh?! [ audience applauds wildly ] Yeah!
Angela Tucci: Hey, James! How ya’ doin’?
James Barone: Hey, you know I’m doin’ a’ight!
Angela Tucci: You doin’ alright?
James Barone: I just said I’m doin’ a’ight! Fuggidaboutit now!
Angela Tucci: Hey, what are you on drugs, talkin’ to me like that?!
James Barone: I’m sorry! Come on!
Angela Tucci: Ah, fuggidaboutit!
James Barone: Alright..
Angela Tucci: Alright, Brooklyn.. now’s the time on the show when we go down to the street and see what’s botherin’ ya’s. We got Maria on 33rd Ave. Maria, how are ya’?[ cut to Maria standing in front of a grafittied brick wall on 33rd Ave. ]
Maria: Yeah, how you guys doin’? Listen.. I used to work down at 31 Flavors, and my boss fired me ’cause he said my hair and nails was a health code violation. What am I supposed to do?!
James Barone: Heyyyyy, Maria.. I’ll tell ya’ what to do, a’ight? Relax! ‘Cause yor boss is a real stukach!
Angela Tucci: A marmalute!
James Barone: The guy’s a jomoke!
Angela Tucci: A hump!
James Barone: Heyyyyy, what’s this guy wantcha to be – bald?!
Angela Tucci: And, Maria, because we used your question.. you win a free day of beauty at Connie De Padesta’s House Of Class!
James Barone: That’s right! A’ight, for all of you’s goin’ to work this mornin’, let’s talk to Ant’ny with the traffic report. Ant’ny, how are ya![ camera shifts to Ant’ny standing at the city map, just to Angela and James’ right ]
Ant’ny: Hey, I’m doin’ alright. I ain’t the doo-doo-do’s gotta drive to work this mornin’. Oh, it is bad!
James Barone: Oh, a’ight, how ’bout the Brooklyn-Queens Tunnel?
James Barone: Manhatten Bridge?
James Barone: Long Island Expressway?
James Barone: 59th Street Bridge?
James Barone: How ’bout the Williamsburg Bridge?
Angela Tucci: So, Ant’ny.. you’re sayin’ the traffic conditions goin’ into Manhatten are bad this mornin’?
Ant’ny: You do what you gotta do, I ain’t sayin’ nothin’!
James Barone: That’s right. That’s right. A’ight, Ant’ny, thank you. Now.. we’re gonna bring out a few guests now on “Good Morning Brooklyn!” Nobody, you know, famous or nothin’ like that.. just, you know, someone from the neighborhood.
Angela Tucci: Today’s first guest is an old friend of ours who started an acting career.
James Barone: Oh, that’s right, Angela. And he’s doin’ awesome! Last year, he got his big break when he appeared in “Sleepless In Seattle”. So, would you please welcome.. Angelo![ Angelo enters through the front door, looking back into the street to an unseen instigator ]
Angelo: No, you move YOUR car!! [ closes the door and sits to James’ left ] What’s up, James? You doin’ a’ight? How ya doin’, Angela?Angela Tucci: Angelo.. I understand you brought a clip from your movie. Why don’t you set it up!
Angelo: [ disinterested ] I don’t know.. Tom Hanks played this hump.. he, like, goes to New York to find this broad, or something.. I don’t know what the hell it’s about.
James Barone: Okay.. okay. Okay, Brooklyn, here’s our friend Angelo in “Sleepless In Seattle”![ dissolve to a clip of a helicopter camera circling outward atop the Empire State Building, dissolve back to the studio ]
James Barone: Aw, geez! Unbelievable! Look, Angelo, that was so awesome, man! [ leans close to Angelo ] Hey, listen, man: not for nothin’, but uh.. Meg Ryan’s in that movie, right?
James Barone: Did you bang that broad, or what?
Angelo: What do you think?
James Barone: [ laughs ]
Angela Tucci: [ interrupting ] What are you guys talkin’ about?
James Barone: Nothin’! Shut up!
Angela Tucci: Hey! YOU shut up!!
James Barone: Hey! [ a beat ] That hurts me, Angela. [ leans back over Angelo ] I’m serious.. did you bone this broad, or what?
Angelo: Why? You wanna bang her, or something?
James Barone: [ offended ] What?! You gotta be a real jerk askin’ me something like that on my own show!
James Barone: You know I’m goin’ out with Gina!
James Barone: Get outta here! Fuggidaboutit! Get outta here now, before I give you a beatin’! Go, you mutt!
Angelo: [ stands and makes his way for the door, pointing back at James ] You think you’re so great, James! [ quick beat ] But you’re not! [ exits ]
Angela Tucci: That was Brooklyn actor Angelo! Remember that name, he’s gonna be big!
James Barone: He’s also gonna be dead. [ changes the subject ] Our next gust is new to Flatbush. He just moved here from Rockford, Illinoise.
Angela Tucci: He’s opened a karate school on Labonia Avenue. Please welcome Richard Diller![ Richard Diller enters through the front door, dressed in karate togs ]
Richard Diller: [ enthusiastic ] Hi, everybody! [ sits down next to James ]
Angela Tucci: Hi, Richard. I understand that anyone who joins your karate school.. gets a month of lessons for free! Is that true?
Richard Diller: [ happy ] Yes, it is, Angela!
James Barone: [ stunned ] Wo-ho-ho! What are you’s doin’, pal?! You ain’t gonna make no money like that!
Angela Tucci: Shut your mouth! I think it’s a nice gesture!
Richard Diller: Well, thank you, Angela! And, if you’ll just step over here, I’d like to give you a lesson right now! How do you like them apples?
Angela Tucci: Oh, Richard, that’s so nice! [ grabs her purse, and stands ]
James Barone: Whoa-ho-ho, where you goin’ now? You don’t know this guy-
Angela Tucci: Hey, what’s the matter with you? It’s a free lesson! Get off of me!
James Barone: Alright.. hey, do me a favor – go! I want you to go!
Angela Tucci: I’m go-ing!
James Barone: FUGGIDABOUTIT!![ Angela stands next to Richard, as he demonstrates being a mugger going for her purse ]
Richard Diller: Okay, Angela, I’m a mugger, and I’m reaching for your purse, and-
Angela Tucci: Hey! [ knees Richard in the groin, dropping him to the floor ]
Richard Diller: That’s not KARATE, you kneed me in the GROIN!!
Angela Tucci: Get outta here, you MUTT!![ Richard flees the studio ]
Angela Tucci: He grabbed for my purse!
James Barone: Grabbed your purse?!
Angela Tucci: Yeah!
James Barone: I’ll grab his ass!
Angela Tucci: Ah, fuggidaboutit! I took care of him!
James Barone: Alright, come on, what happened over there?
Angela Tucci: I said fuggidaboutit!
James Barone: A’ight.. A’ight, that’s all the time we have today on “Good Morning Brooklyn!” Thanks for joining us. Join us tomorrow: I get a haircut! Huh! [ laughs, then turns back to Angela ] Come on, what happened over there?
Angela Tucci: Fuggidaboutit!
Voiceover: Angela Tucci’s hair and make-up by Connie De Padesta’s House of Class.[ fade ]