The Casting Couch


The Casting Couch

Robert Evans…..Michael McKean
Daniell Swalich…..Sarah Jessica Parker
Caller #1…..Laura Kightlinger
Caller #2…..Janene Garafalo

[ open on wide shot exterior of Robert Evans’ house, with title card superimposed over it ]

Announcer: Live from Beverly Hills, it’s “The Casting Couch”, with Robert Evans.

[ dissolve to interior, where Robert Evans is laughing gleefully while supposedly on the phone with one of the major celebrities he once worked with in the past ]

Robert Evans: Oh, Jack, that’s fabulous! Ha! Oh, stop it, Jack Nicholson, you’re making me laugh! [ notices the cameras ] Oh, excuse me, I’ve gotta go. Love to Rebecca and the kids! Yeah, you too, Irish! Ciao! [ hangs up, and addresses the cameras ] Hello, I’m Robert Evans: mega-producer and author of.. “The Kid Stays In The Picture”. Welcome to “The Casting Couch”. Now, each week we are visited by some of Hollywood’s loveliest and youngest new talents.. in their search for that special role that will catapult them into an actual screen appearance. [ toasts his glass ] Scone! But enough of this yattita-yattita.. let’s bring out the new stuff! I met her at Tower Records, just outside.. I helped her to find her car, and she wants to be an actress. Let’s have a big, warm “Casting Couch” welcome for.. Danielle Swalich!

[ Danielle enters and sits next to Robert Evans ]

Robert Evans: Hello, Danielle! How are you, darling? Please sit down, please! [ chuckles pleasingly ] You have some pictures for me?

Danielle Swalich: Oh.. yes, sir.

Robert Evans: Good!

Danielle Swalich: [ nervously ] I went to the man that you recommended – he charged me $750..

Robert Evans: [ in an authoritative manner ] Lesson 1, baby: Good pictures cost good money! Let’s have a look here.. [ sorts through the photos ] Ohhhh, yeah! Very nice! How old did you say you were?

Danielle Swalich: Um.. 19?

Robert Evans: Verrrry nice! Yes! so, tell me a little something about yourself.

Danielle Swalich: Well, um.. I’m an Army brat, I sort of grew up all over-

Robert Evans: [ interrupting ] Don’t sell yourself short, honey – that’s Lesson #2.

Danielle Swalich: Oh no, I wasn’t, I just-

Robert Evans: Then, Don’t interrupt the master! That’s Lesson 3. Ha ha ha ha! Would you care for some very expensive wine?

Danielle Swalich: [ not sure what to make of Robert Evans ] Oh.. sure.. thanks.

Robert Evans: I’ll pour! The butler.. [ thinknig ]’s his “day off”, let’s say! [ pours the wine ] Yeahhh.

Danielle Swalich: So.. Mr. Adams

Robert Evans: It’s Evans! Ha! Robert Evans. Ha ha ha!

Danielle Swalich: Right. Okay, Mr. Evans.. um.. wh-what is all this? I mean.. I thought that you said you were a producer..

Robert Evans: I am the producer, kiddo! “Rosemary’s Baby”, ’68; “Love Story”, ’70; “The Godfather”, ’72.. “Chinatown”, ’74.. uhhh.. the.. how about “Sliver”, ’93? Any of these ring a bell?

Danielle Swalich: [ excited ] You did “Sliver”?!

Robert Evans: [ pleased ] Yeaahhhhh..

Danielle Swalich: [ impressed ] Oh, my God! Wow! Billy Baldwin is so HOT!

Robert Evans: [ cooly ] Would you like to meet him?

Danielle Swalich: Oh, my God! Could I! Yeah!

Robert Evans: [ reconsidering ] Actually, nooo.. we’re currently involved in a bit of litigation. And I’ll tell you one thing: if that punk shows his face around here, he’s finished in this town!

Danielle Swalich: [ curious ] H-how are you gonna do that?

Robert Evans: SShhhhh.. my ex-wife is sleeping in the next room.

Danielle Swalich: Really? That’s really weird.

Robert Evans: She’s Ali McGraw, you know.

Danielle Swalich: Who?

Robert Evans: That’s right! My ex-wife is Ali McGraw – ’69 to ’72! I was also married to actress Camilla Sparr, ’65-’66; and former Miss America Phyllis George! [ pleased with himself ] Ah ha ha!

Danielle Swalich: Who?

Robert Evans: That’s right, Phyllis George! Hmm hmm hmm!

Danielle Swalich: [ with a “Whatever” look on her face ] Alright, I believe you?

Robert Evans: Hmm.. good! It’s good to beieve. Let’s, uh.. let’s take some calls from the public, shall we? [ turns on the phone lines ] Alright, you’re on “The Casting Couch”! Let’s do it!

Caller #1: Yeah.. is this Bob?

Robert Evans: Guilty as charged, my pet!

Caller #1: Bob, this is Amber. We met at the cleaners. I did your show, and everything..

Robert Evans: Er-riiiiight..?

Caller #1: Well, you know, you said you might have a part for me in your new movie? Well.. i-it’s been, like, a month.

Robert Evans: A month! A month! Let me tell you a story.. [ turns to Daniell ] You should like this, too. When Francis Coppolo showed me the first cut of “The Godfather”, it was only twen-ty-three-min-utes long. I wouldn’t have shown this to my dog. I personally recut this film into the classic work of genius that it is today!

Danielle Swalich: [ desperate to escape ] Should I leave?

Robert Evans: No, no, no, no! We’re screening “Urban Cowboy” at six!

Danielle Swalich: [ confused ] “Urban Cowboy”? Is that a movie?

Robert Evans: It’s a classic, darling. [ back to the phones ] Alright, you’re on “The Casting Couch”! Talk to Daddy!

Caller #2: [ a soft whisper ] Hello, Bob..

Robert Evans: [ chuckles gleefully ] Oh, ho ho, yes, my pet, what can I do for you!

Caller #2: [ ferociously clears her throat, now speaking in a louder, rougher tone ] Excuse me, hi! I’m Dr. Rosalyn Beck, I’m in the oncology ward ar Sears Sinai. I was just flipping through the channels, and I noticed your face.

Robert Evans: [ pleased ] Thank you!

Caller #2: Listen, this is important – I really think you should have your skin looked at immediately! I’m seeing signs of melanoma, I’m seeing first-class lesions-

Robert Evans: Let me tell you about first class, Dr Lady! When Francis first brought me “The Godfather”, he wanted to do it as a plaaay. I said, “It’s a movie, or I walk!

Danielle Swalich: [ more anxious to leave ] I really.. I really have to go-

Robert Evans: No, no.. don’t go, don’t go.. please. Did you hear the doctor? She said that I might be ill. I need you, Beth!

Danielle Swalich: It’s Danielle.

Robert Evans: No, no! Lesson #4: It’s Beth! All the big stars change their name to Beth!

Danielle Swalich: Like who?

Robert Evans: [ thinking quickly ] Sharon Stone? She was in “Sliver”, did you see her?

Danielle Swalich: Yeah, sh-she was good..

Robert Evans: And you! You, Beth, you’ll be even better in “Sliver 2: The Slivering”!

Danielle Swalich: W-w-w-what do you want me to do, anyway?

Robert Evans: [ leans in ] I want us to get closer.

Danielle Swalich: [ seeing the light ] You want to sleep with me?

Robert Evans: [ unashamedly ] Yes!

Danielle Swalich: [ stern ] No. [ leaves ]

Robert Evans: [ to the camera ] We’re about out of time here, on “The Casting Couch”. Remember, if you’re in the Los Angeles area and you’re an attractive woman between the ages of 18 and.. 19. Send me a picture of yourself. Either washing a car wearing cut-offs, or standing on a ladder wearing one of those tuxedos like Judy Garland used to wear. See you next week on.. “The Casting Couch”!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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