News Anchor…..Kevin Nealon
Mrs. Hudnut…..Laura Kightlinger
Mickey Rourke……Jay Mohr
Rick James…..Tim Meadows
[ open on “Decision ’94” title card ] [ dissolve to News Anchor at the news desk ]
News Anchor: Welcome back to “Decision ’94”. The Republican tidal wave continues to roll, and we are now able to declare a winner in the Montana Second Congressional Race.. [ show to election results card, showing Hudnut with 7% vs. Crane’s 93% ] ..where, with 2% of the precincts reporting, it is clear that the Democrat incumbant, Bob Hudnut, has suffered a stunning defeat at the hands of his Republican rival, carnival ride manufactuere Dan Crane. Let’s go now to Hudnut Headquarters, where the nine-term Congressman is about to make his concession speech.[ dissolve to Bob Hudnut Headquarters, Hudnut taking the podium amongst his supporters yelling “Hudnut! Hudnut!” as Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” is heard in the background ]
Bob Hudnut: Thank you, thank you! Thank you all!
Man In Crowd: We love you!!
Bob Hudnut: [ chucking ] Oka-ay! Well, thank you! Well ,the polls closed about a minute ago, and uh.. I just phoned Dan Crane to congratulate him.[ the crowd awwws ]
Bob Hudnut: Let’s have none of that, he’s our congressman now.
Man In Crowd: Noo!
Bob Hudnut: No, yes he is. The people have spoken.
Man In Crowd: No, they HAVEN’T!
Bob Hudnut: Uh, sir.. please, please.. if you could just stop..
Man In Crowd: OKAY!
Bob Hudnut: Well.. uh, it’s been a long and hard campaign, and uh.. I gues I made some mistakes!
Man In Crowd: No, you didn’t!
Bob Hudnut: No, sir, this is hard enough.. as it is, if you could. Uh.. one mistake, I’ll tell you right away, was not to answer some of those negative ads! Geez, like the one my opponent ran, showing that murdered nun next to a picture of me smiling with my thumbs up! Yeah, that one was a little much, but.. uh.. still, I wish him well. He’s.. our congressman now.
Man In Crowd: No, he ISN’T!!
Bob Hudnut: Sir, yes he is!
Man In Crowd: I’m from another district!
Bob Hudnut: Oh.. okay. Sorry. [ short pause ] I’d like to, uh.. thank my good friend President Clinton, uh.. for coming out here to this district, uh.. a record fifteen times. Uh.. to get the faithful out. And, uh.. boy, Hillary, I-I know we could not have gotten 7% without her.. so, big thanks there. Also, to all the celebrities that have come out here to Montana to help in the, uh. election here. Some of them are here tonight. Mickey Rourke, come out here. [ haggard Mickey Rourke stumbles up to the podium ] Godo guy. And singer Rick James, right over here. [ Rick James steps up to the podium ] And these towo guys right here really supported my prison reform plan to rehabilitate violent criminals, and get them back on the street as soon as possible. [ Mickey and Rick make out with Hudnut’s wife, and kiss and hug on him as well ] So, uh.. thanks, guys, I appreciate that, I really do. Alright, that’s.. more than enough.. thart’ll do it for me. Okay. And, of course, I do want to thank Michael Dukakis, who uh.. could not be here tonight, because he’s back east doing one more push for Mario Cuomo. So, good luck, guys, I hope that works out.
Regrets? Uhhh.. geez, I guess I had a few! [ chuckles ] I don’t know.. I suppose I dshouldn’t have sunk all my money into print advertising instead of television. [ spins his finger on the side of his head ] That’s something I’ll just be playing over and over again up here in the weeks to come! Uhh.. I honestly just felt people read more, and.. uh.. well, the sad truth is, they watch more TV. So, there you have it.
Man In Crowd: We love you!
Bob Hudnut: Ha-okay! Thank you, sir! Uh.. but.. here now, uh. I must close and say that my career has, uh.. come to an end. Uh.. in Washington, after eighteen years. I like to think that I am proud of some things that I’ve done here. Im.. I know that, wherever I go, whatever I do, the Bob Hudnut Gasoline Surtax will always be part of your lives! and I’m going to continue to fight the good fight against the NRA right here in Montana! So, you can always count on me for that!
So, uh.. in closing, please remember, uh.. Bill Clinton, in ’96! [ laughs ] Thank you, and, uh.. oh! You know there is just one more.. big regret.. uh.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”