Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
… Norm MacDonald
Gil Graham … Adam Sandler
[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit, sits at the WU desk andremoves the paper clip from his well-organized sheafof papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald![Cheers and applause.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you, I’m NormMacDonald, and this is the fake news. …
Well, it’s been a disastrous week for PresidentClinton. His party lost control of the House andSenate, and thirty-one governorships are now inRepublican hands. The only bright spot: he wascompletely exonerated in the murder of Bob Crane.[Image of newspaper story with headline reading “BobCrane’s Friend Acquitted in Death” and a photo ofCrane, star of TV’s “Hogan’s Heroes”] …
With Republican control of the Senate, Oregon’s BobPackwood will become chairman of the Senate FinanceCommittee. In a statement, he promised to massage thebudget, goose interest rates and, if possible, stickhis tongue down the throat of inflation. …
And in Connecticut, where I live, a House race was wonby a margin of just two votes. Well, that’s good. Myvote still wouldn’t have made any difference at all….
In an act of conciliation, China released eightpolitical prisoners this week. But they made it clearthat the other seventy-nine million would be executedwithout a trial. …
A French man who calls himself “The Snake Man” wasarrested this week after climbing up the side of aManhattan high rise. Yep! He climbed right up the sideof a high rise. Just like a snake! … [cheersand applause]
This week is Taxicab Appreciation Week. So, to all youtaxicab drivers out there: I’d appreciate it if you’dtake a shower once in a while, how would thatbe? … [cheers and applause]
A new hangover-free vodka is on the market. [some inthe crowd shout, “Woo, woo!”] Yeah. The ads claim thatthe 80 proof vodka is so pure, it’s virtuallyheadache-free. But, before you run out and buy it,remember: it causes massive anal bleeding. …
Dr. James Watts, a neurosurgeon who performed thefirst frontal lobotomy, died this week in Washington.If you recall, a lobotomy involves drilling holes inthe skull and then inserting and rotating a knife todestroy brain cells. [slight pause – then,enthusiastically] What a genius – he’ll be missed!…
[Photo of actor Tom Cruise with his very pale wifeNicole Kidman] Well, Tom Cruise got ready for thepremiere of his new movie “Interview with the Vampire”by sucking all the blood out of wife Nicole’s– [Normturns to look at the photo] … [briefapplause]
Liza Minnelli has gotten word she’ll have to have ahip replacement operation. This marks the first timein fifteen years that the name “Liza Minnelli” and theword “hip” have been used in the same sentence. …[some applause, some groans]
George Foreman shocked the world this week– [cheersand applause] How about that, huh? He shocked theworld when after absorbing punishing blows to the headfor ten rounds, he knocked out Michael Moorer toregain the heavyweight crown. After the fight, Foremansaid he felt great and that Moorer’s punches had hadno effect on him whatsoever. He then proceeded togrant a ten minute interview to the ring post. [Photoof Foreman on knees in front of ring post] …[scattered applause]
Norm MacDonald: And now, here with some concertreviews, once again, our rock ‘n’ roll correspondent,Gil Graham!
Gil Graham: Oh! Thanks, Norm! Thank you! Well,this fall’s concert menu is jam-packed with rock’n’ roll – so let’s take a bite!
October 11th – MTV studios. You need coolin’, baby,I’m not foolin’. That’s right – Led Zep reunites! Andguess who was the ninety-ninth caller to WROK’s LedZep Ticket Giveaway? I was just getting used to thecomforts of the backstage performers’ lounge whenlegendary Zeppelin road manager Peter “Mad Dog” Rudgeapparently thought my third free Mountain Dew was onetoo many. … He decided to emphasize his point bygiving me an old school ass-kickin’. … Theman dragged me by my jaw into a nearby stairwell.Unfortunately, this stairway did not lead toheaven … but, rather, to the most painful tenminutes of my life. … The walls were reverberatingwith the relentless mule kicks of a fifty year oldEnglish lunatic … along with the majestic openinglicks of “Kashmir.” When they rolled me out ontoFifty-Seventh Street, I couldn’t help but think, “Zep,it’s been a long time since you rock ‘n’ rolled – butit was worth the wait!” …
Next stop: October 17th – Nassau Coliseum – thegranddaddies of grunge – Soundgarden – ready to crankit up. I did not attend this concert. I had front rowtickets but my mother threw them out. She thought theywere drugs. … Catch you next year, Soundgarden….
November 11th – Radio City Music Hall – the concertevent of the year – the Christmas Spectacular! … Thematinee audience was mostly families and thus, alittle afraid to rock. … But the hypnotic rhythms ofthe kettle drums backin’ up the Rockettes had mestandin’ on my chair and screamin’ for Santa. … Iwas in such a trance-like state, I didn’t realize Iwas disrupting Snow White’s performance. You know,there are seven dwarves but, apparently, that day, allof them were grumpy. … They pounded me viciously …in front of several thousand people for aninappropriate amount of time. … One would think thattheir tiny fists would have little effect … buttheir combined impact was similar to that of a severehail storm! … Their underdeveloped hands reachedinto places I didn’t think were possible … causingmomentary pleasure, then unspeakable pain! … Itended up turning into a very special experience whenthe dwarves invited some underprivileged children downfrom the balcony to use me as a human spittoon! …All in all, the Radio City Christmas show was a rock’n’ roller’s wet dream.
Back to you, Norm – and, in the words of KISS, “Iwanna rock and roll all night and party ev-e-ryday!” [cheers and applause, Gil turns to Normand pounds the desk with his hand] Ido!
Norm MacDonald: [much amused] Gil Graham,ladies and gentlemen! [Gil waves and exits]
Model Carrie Otis made news this week when she statedthat she didn’t want Mickey Roarke showing up at herwork. Hey, ah, join the club, lady! You think any ofus want Mickey Roarke showing up at our work? …[very little reaction from crowd, Norm shrugs, crowdlaughs harder at the shrug] …
Former first lady Nancy Reagan reports that herhusband has been relaxing at their ranch, ridinghorses and chopping wood. Sadly, eyewitnesses reportthat he was actually riding wood and chopping horses….
The cast of “Baywatch” made a special appearance atDisney World in Florida where they were mobbed byadoring fans. Which proves my new theory:”German tourists love David Hasselhoff!” …[applause]
A two-inch hummingbird that waited too long to flysouth and ended up stranded in Alaska will be flownvia commercial airline to California this week. Youknow, I have another solution to this: Kill thehummingbird! … [scattered applause]
And – [Photo of ruddy-faced, overweight Senator TedKennedy draws a few hoots from the crowd] – our finalstory: Ted Kennedy says now that he’s won re-election,he can finally relax, get off that crazy diet, andreally let himself go. …
And that’s all for now, good night![Music. Cheers and applause. Pull back and fade awayas Norm shuffles and attempts to straighten hisdisorganized mass of papers.]