SNL Transcripts: John Turturro: 11/19/94: It’s A Wonderful Newt



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 6


94f: John Turturro / Tom Petty

It’s A Wonderful Newt

Richard Nixon…..John Turturro
Newt Gingrich…..Chris Farley
Annie…..Ellen Cleghorne
Rodriguez…..Janeane Garofalo
Marianne Ginther…..Laura Kightlinger
Nick…..Kevin Nealon

FADE IN:

[ An RKO release ] [ TITLE CARD: IT’S A WONDERFUL NEWT ] [ A sign reads: YOU’RE NOW IN WASHINGTON D.C. ] [ SUPER: CHRISTMAS 1998 ] [ EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. – NIGHT ] [ Snow falls hard on the nation’s capital. The score from “It’s a Wonderful Life” plays over a montage of various D.C. landmarks. The Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives NEWT GINGRICH trudges onto a bridge looking over the Tidal section of the Potomac River. Speaker Gingrich sobs and lifts his left leg onto the edge of the bridge. Just then, President RICHARD NIXON appears. ]

Richard Nixon: Newt!!! Don’t do it!!

Newt Gingrich: Who are you!?

Richard Nixon: I’m your guardian angel — Richard Nixon!

Newt Gingrich: Mr. President!! I knew you’d make it to heaven!

Richard Nixon: Not quite… but I’m working on it. That’s actually one reason why I’m here, Newt.

Newt Gingrich: Well, I’m gonna kill myself. I’m gonna jump into the Potomac.

Richard Nixon: But you had a wonderful life, Newt Gingrich. As Speaker of the House, you were able to help many people — from the extremely rich to the crazy rich.

Newt Gingrich: I know! But $8,000 is missing from the House bank!

Richard Nixon: That’s nothing!! $8,000 is chicken feed! By the way, where is the $8,000?

Newt Gingrich: I don’t know! I think Al D’Amato picked it up by mistake. I could go to jail!! I wish I was never Speaker of the House!

Richard Nixon: Did you hear that? It might work!

Newt Gingrich: Who are you talking too!?

Richard Nixon: Uh… just a friend of mine. All right! You got your wish! You were never Speaker of the House!

[ The night sky clears up. No more snow. ]

Newt Gingrich: Hey! It stopped snowing.

Richard Nixon: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh… Mr. Non-Speaker.

Newt Gingrich: Look — if you’re not gonna let me jump into the Potomac, I’m going to go get a gun and kill myself.

Richard Nixon: Where are we going?

Newt Gingrich: Martini’s Gun Shop.

[ Speaker Gingrich and President Nixon depart. ] [ EXT. MARTINI’S – NIGHT ] [ Martini’s now reads MARTINI’S MINORITY TEEN EMPOWERMENT CENTER AND ABORTION CLINIC ] [ INT. MARTINI’S – NIGHT ] [ R&B MUSIC plays as several teens, mostly minorities, play board games and so on. A number of women wait in line seated to receive free abortions. A sign on the wall reads NO PRAYING. Speaker Gingrich and President Nixon stare in disbelief. ]

Newt Gingrich: I don’t understand!! This used to be Martini’s Gun Shop! Now it’s Martini’s Teen Empowerment Center and Abortion Clinic!

Richard Nixon: Uh-huh, uh-huh…

[ A teen in a wheelchair goes past the two. ]

Newt Gingrich: Hey! How’d he get up the stairs!?

Richard Nixon: He used the wheelchair ramp.

Newt Gingrich: Wheelchair ramp? But I had those things outlawed as part of my Anti-Cripple bill of 1995!

Richard Nixon: Don’t you see, Newt? The Anti-Cripple bill never passed, because you were not there to push it through Congress.

[ NICK the Bartender stands a counter full of educational literature. ]

Nick: Can I help you gentlemen?

[ Speaker Gingrich and President Nixon come over to Nick. ]

Newt Gingrich: Nick! Nick! What happened to this place? Free syringes! Free condoms!

[ Speaker Gingrich picks up a book. ]

Newt Gingrich: “Daddy Has a Friend Named Miguel”!?!?

[ Speaker Gingrich slams the book to the ground. ]

Newt Gingrich: This used to be a gun shop!! You had Uzis over here and assault rifles over here! And right here you had that beautiful display of exploding, armor-piercing, dum-dum bullets!

Nick: Sir, I don’t know who you are or even if you’re a U.S. citizen. But you certainly welcome to any of our free social services, provided completely at taxpayer’s expense.

Richard Nixon: See, Newt? Beginning to grasp the enchilada?

[ A gynecologist, ANNIE, comes out of her exam room. ]

Annie: Uh… Rodriguez?

[ A young Hispanic teenager, last name RODRIGUEZ, gets out of her chair. Speaker Gingrich spots Annie and makes his way over to her with President Nixon. ]

Newt Gingrich: Annie! Annie, it’s me! Newt Gingrich!

[ Annie smiles and shakes the Speaker’s hand. ]

Annie: Are you the new gay youth counselor?

[ Speaker Gingrich tears his hand away. ]

Newt Gingrich: No! I’m Newt Gingrich! Speaker of the House! Don’t you remember me!? You used to be our maid!?

Annie: Maid!? I was never a maid! I went to medical school under affirmative action and now I’m the head abortionist here at the Teen Empowerment Center.

Richard Nixon: Is this becoming perfectly clear, Newt?

Newt Gingrich: But I had affirmative action killed! I even sent a case of scotch over to Ted Kennedy’s house so he wouldn’t vote that day!!

Richard Nixon: Ted Kennedy never got that case of scotch because you were not there to send it to him!

[ The Rodriguez girl interrupts all three. ]

Rodriguez: Do I get my abortion or what?

[ Annie escorts her to the exam room. ]

Newt Gingrich: Look, Richard! I don’t what’s going on here, but tell me one thing — what happened to Hillary!?

Richard Nixon: You don’t want to know…

Newt Gingrich: She went back to Arkansas in disgrace, right!?

Richard Nixon: You don’t want to know, Newt!

[ Speaker Gingrich grabs President Nixon by his blazer. ]

Newt Gingrich: TELL ME, DICK!!!

[ President Nixon strikes his famous pose with both hands flashing the peace sign. ]

Richard Nixon: SHE’S PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!!

Newt Gingrich: NO!!!!!!

[ Speaker Gingrich is spinning in a vortex. He stops to catch his breath, then resumes spinning. ] [ INT. GINGRICH BEDROOM – NIGHT ] [ Newt wakes up screaming in bed. His wife, Marianne Ginther, stops reading President Nixon’s autobiography and comforts him. ]

Marianne Ginther: Newt! Newt! Are you okay?

Newt Gingrich: Huh!?

Marianne Ginther: You were having a bad dream!

Newt Gingrich: What year is it!?

Marianne Ginther: It’s 1998, silly.

Newt Gingrich: And who’s President!?

Marianne Ginther: Why, Michael Huffington, of course!

[ Speaker Gingrich sighs. ]

Newt Gingrich: Thank God!

Marianne Ginther: Honey, I was just reading Richard Nixon’s autobiography and I never noticed it before, but there’s an inscription to you in here. It reads — “Dear Newt, Remember – Every time a bell rings, I get poked in the ass with a pitchfork!”

Newt Gingrich: That’s right!

[ Speaker Gingrich smiles as he waits for a bell to ring. Playing Newt, Farley looks around for the “SNL” crew to ring a tiny bell. Nothing. Picking up quick, Farley continues to go on. He lowers his head to a small Christmas tree on the nightstand pretending a bell has rung. ]

Newt Gingrich: That’s right!

[ Farley and Kightlinger face the camera. ]

Newt Gingrich: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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