Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 6
It’s A Wonderful Newt
Richard Nixon…..John Turturro
Newt Gingrich…..Chris Farley
Marianne Ginther…..Laura Kightlinger
[ An RKO release ]
[ TITLE CARD: ITS A WONDERFUL NEWT ]
[ A sign reads: YOURE NOW IN WASHINGTON D.C. ]
[ SUPER: CHRISTMAS 1998 ]
[ EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. NIGHT ]
[ Snow falls hard on the nations capital. The score from Its a Wonderful Life plays over a montage of various D.C. landmarks. The Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives NEWT GINGRICH trudges onto a bridge looking over the Tidal section of the Potomac River. Speaker Gingrich sobs and lifts his left leg onto the edge of the bridge. Just then, President RICHARD NIXON appears. ]
Richard Nixon: Newt!!! Dont do it!!
Newt Gingrich: Who are you!?
Richard Nixon: Im your guardian angel — Richard Nixon!
Newt Gingrich: Mr. President!! I knew youd make it to heaven!
Richard Nixon: Not quite but Im working on it. Thats actually one reason why Im here, Newt.
Newt Gingrich: Well, Im gonna kill myself. Im gonna jump into the Potomac.
Richard Nixon: But you had a wonderful life, Newt Gingrich. As Speaker of the House, you were able to help many people — from the extremely rich to the crazy rich.
Newt Gingrich: I know! But $8,000 is missing from the House bank!
Richard Nixon: Thats nothing!! $8,000 is chicken feed! By the way, where is the $8,000?
Newt Gingrich: I dont know! I think Al DAmato picked it up by mistake. I could go to jail!! I wish I was never Speaker of the House!
Richard Nixon: Did you hear that? It might work!
Newt Gingrich: Who are you talking too!?
Richard Nixon: Uh just a friend of mine. All right! You got your wish! You were never Speaker of the House!
[ The night sky clears up. No more snow. ]
Newt Gingrich: Hey! It stopped snowing.
Richard Nixon: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh Mr. Non-Speaker.
Newt Gingrich: Look — if youre not gonna let me jump into the Potomac, Im going to go get a gun and kill myself.
Richard Nixon: Where are we going?
Newt Gingrich: Martinis Gun Shop.
[ Speaker Gingrich and President Nixon depart. ]
[ EXT. MARTINIS NIGHT ]
[ Martinis now reads MARTINIS MINORITY TEEN EMPOWERMENT CENTER AND ABORTION CLINIC ]
[ INT. MARTINIS NIGHT ]
[ R&B MUSIC plays as several teens, mostly minorities, play board games and so on. A number of women wait in line seated to receive free abortions. A sign on the wall reads NO PRAYING. Speaker Gingrich and President Nixon stare in disbelief. ]
Newt Gingrich: I dont understand!! This used to be Martinis Gun Shop! Now its Martinis Teen Empowerment Center and Abortion Clinic!
Richard Nixon: Uh-huh, uh-huh
[ A teen in a wheelchair goes past the two. ]
Newt Gingrich: Hey! Howd he get up the stairs!?
Richard Nixon: He used the wheelchair ramp.
Newt Gingrich: Wheelchair ramp? But I had those things outlawed as part of my Anti-Cripple bill of 1995!
Richard Nixon: Dont you see, Newt? The Anti-Cripple bill never passed, because you were not there to push it through Congress.
[ NICK the Bartender stands a counter full of educational literature. ]
Nick: Can I help you gentlemen?
[ Speaker Gingrich and President Nixon come over to Nick. ]
Newt Gingrich: Nick! Nick! What happened to this place? Free syringes! Free condoms!
[ Speaker Gingrich picks up a book. ]
Newt Gingrich: Daddy Has a Friend Named Miguel!?!?
[ Speaker Gingrich slams the book to the ground. ]
Newt Gingrich: This used to be a gun shop!! You had Uzis over here and assault rifles over here! And right here you had that beautiful display of exploding, armor-piercing, dum-dum bullets!
Nick: Sir, I dont know who you are or even if youre a U.S. citizen. But you certainly welcome to any of our free social services, provided completely at taxpayers expense.
Richard Nixon: See, Newt? Beginning to grasp the enchilada?
[ A gynecologist, ANNIE, comes out of her exam room. ]
Annie: Uh Rodriguez?
[ A young Hispanic teenager, last name RODRIGUEZ, gets out of her chair. Speaker Gingrich spots Annie and makes his way over to her with President Nixon. ]
Newt Gingrich: Annie! Annie, its me! Newt Gingrich!
[ Annie smiles and shakes the Speakers hand. ]
Annie: Are you the new gay youth counselor?
[ Speaker Gingrich tears his hand away. ]
Newt Gingrich: No! Im Newt Gingrich! Speaker of the House! Dont you remember me!? You used to be our maid!?
Annie: Maid!? I was never a maid! I went to medical school under affirmative action and now Im the head abortionist here at the Teen Empowerment Center.
Richard Nixon: Is this becoming perfectly clear, Newt?
Newt Gingrich: But I had affirmative action killed! I even sent a case of scotch over to Ted Kennedys house so he wouldnt vote that day!!
Richard Nixon: Ted Kennedy never got that case of scotch because you were not there to send it to him!
[ The Rodriguez girl interrupts all three. ]
Rodriguez: Do I get my abortion or what?
[ Annie escorts her to the exam room. ]
Newt Gingrich: Look, Richard! I dont whats going on here, but tell me one thing — what happened to Hillary!?
Richard Nixon: You dont want to know
Newt Gingrich: She went back to Arkansas in disgrace, right!?
Richard Nixon: You dont want to know, Newt!
[ Speaker Gingrich grabs President Nixon by his blazer. ]
Newt Gingrich: TELL ME, DICK!!!
[ President Nixon strikes his famous pose with both hands flashing the peace sign. ]
Richard Nixon: SHES PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!!
Newt Gingrich: NO!!!!!!
[ Speaker Gingrich is spinning in a vortex. He stops to catch his breath, then resumes spinning. ]
[ INT. GINGRICH BEDROOM NIGHT ]
[ Newt wakes up screaming in bed. His wife, Marianne Ginther, stops reading President Nixons autobiography and comforts him. ]
Marianne Ginther: Newt! Newt! Are you okay?
Newt Gingrich: Huh!?
Marianne Ginther: You were having a bad dream!
Newt Gingrich: What year is it!?
Marianne Ginther: It’s 1998, silly.
Newt Gingrich: And whos President!?
Marianne Ginther: Why, Michael Huffington, of course!
[ Speaker Gingrich sighs. ]
Newt Gingrich: Thank God!
Marianne Ginther: Honey, I was just reading Richard Nixons autobiography and I never noticed it before, but theres an inscription to you in here. It reads — Dear Newt, Remember – Every time a bell rings, I get poked in the ass with a pitchfork!
Newt Gingrich: Thats right!
[ Speaker Gingrich smiles as he waits for a bell to ring. Playing Newt, Farley looks around for the SNL crew to ring a tiny bell. Nothing. Picking up quick, Farley continues to go on. He lowers his head to a small Christmas tree on the nightstand pretending a bell has rung. ]
Newt Gingrich: Thats right!
[ Farley and Kightlinger face the camera. ]
Newt Gingrich: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Submitted by: Cody Downs