Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
… Norm MacDonald
Judge Lance Ito … Mike Myers
… David Hasselhoff
[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit and striped necktie,sits at the WU desk and straightens his sheaf ofpapers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Hi, I’m NormMacDonald and this is the fake news. …
Newly elected Governor George Pataki says he wants tobring the death penalty back to New York. First up:Mayor Rudy Giuliani. … [applause] [Photo of President Clinton waving in front of a guyin a funny mask.] According to a poll taken last week,if the presidentel– if the presidential electionswere held tomorrow, the guy in the funny mask wouldwin. [not many laughs, scattered applause] Maybe if Ihad said the word properly … ?
The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration iswarning people not to overeat on Thanksgiving becauseit can make you drowsy at the wheel. Well, that’s badnews for me, you know, ’cause after Thanksgivingdinner I usually like to drive around a while, until Isober up. …
Fergie, the Duchess of York, turned down a guestappearance on the hit show “Baywatch.” Now, myresearch has uncovered that Fergie is actuallyBritish, not German, which, while not proving,certainly does nothing to disprove my time-testedtheory: Germans love David Hasselhoff! …
George Foreman says his upcoming autobiography will bean inspiration to every American who has tried toreach the impossible dream. And, in a related story,former heavyweight champion Michael Moorer says thathe wants his autobiography to be an inspiration toanyone who’s ever been beaten up by an old man. …[applause]
In North Dakota this week, a hunter narrowly escapeddeath when a pocketknife in his breast pocketdeflected a bullet shot by another hunter. Man, youknow we have too many weapons in this country whenpeople are getting shot in the knife. …[light applause]
Judge Ito was interviewed this week by a local TVstation in Los Angeles. Asked by the interviewer if itwas appropriate for a supposedly impartial judge to beon TV with his case still pending, Ito said, “Maybenot, but how appropriate is it to kill your ex-wife?”… [applause]
Anyway, he did an interview and here to explain hisactions is Judge Lance Ito! Welcome, Judge Ito.[Cheers and applause for modest Judge Ito wears hisblack judicial robe.]
Judge Lance Ito: Thank you. Thank you verymuch. Uh, actually, thank you.
Norm MacDonald: Now, Judge Ito, isn’t it ironicthat someone so critical of the media would allowthemselves to be the subject of such an in-depthtelevision interview?
Judge Lance Ito: [politely] Ah, well, Norm, uh,a lot of people expect me to, uh, apologize, uh, forthe interview, uh – That somehow it was, uh,inappropriate, uh, hypocritical or what have you, uh,but I really have only one thing to say to that and,uh, that is– [rips off his black robe to reveal abright red, spangled suit and a multicolored necktieand a new, assertive personality] I’M A STAR, BABY!!!I’M A HUGE, FREAKIN’ STAR, BABY!!! BAMBI! THUMPER!COME TO PAPA![With a brief burst of cheesy show music, two Vegasshowgirls enter and hand Ito an oversized martiniglass and long cigarette. The girls hover over Ito,running their hands all over him, till heexits.]
Norm MacDonald: Judge Ito, I have to say I’mshocked. I had no idea there was this side toyou.
Judge Lance Ito: GET USED TO IT, NORMY, ‘CAUSEI’M JUDGE ITO AND I GOT THE POWER! [sings] I got thepower! Unnh, unnh, unnh, unnh, unnh, unnh, unnh.[speaks] You know, if I want to sequester the jury fortwo years, I can do it! If I want it so that thejurors can only watch “Saved By the Bell,” I can dothat, too! If I say to Shapiro, “Jump!” – he says tome, “Ito, you superstar, how freakin’ high?!”
Norm MacDonald: So, I take it, then, you’re notgoing to apologize.
Judge Lance Ito: Oh, no, no. I’ll apologize.America — I’m sorry I’m so damn sexy! [smokes hiscigarette, sips his drink]
Norm MacDonald: Judge Ito, I have to say, itsounds like this has gone to your head.
Judge Lance Ito: Hey, hey, hey, chief, chief,chief, chief. The name’s not “Judge Ito.” I’ve changedit. It’s just “Ito.” And, in two months, I’ll beunveiling my new name. [holds up a card showing animage of Prince’s famous glyph which features ajudge’s gavel] Yeah. I’ll be The Judge Formerly Knownas Lance Ito. And hey, Normy, Normy. Hey, do you thinkO. J. did it? I think he did it.
Norm MacDonald: What? Are you crazy? You can’tsay that! Ya gotta be impartial!
Judge Lance Ito: Oh, blah, blah, blah! ZIP IT!I’M ITO! I’M A FREAKIN’ STAR, BABY! America loves me!America loves Ito! And now I’m gonna to give it to’em![The set darkens and a spotlight shines on Ito as hejumps up on top of the desk and dances energeticallyto Snap’s “The Power” – at one point revealing “ITO!”stitched in spangled letters across the back of hisspangled jacket. The showgirls groove in thebackground as Norm grins and holds onto his sheaf ofpapers protectively. Finally, Ito jumps down andreturns to his seat.]
Judge Lance Ito: Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby! [muchapplause] I’d just like to mention, uh, [pulls cardfrom pocket and reads it] I’d just like to mentionthat I’ll be at the Sands in Las Vegas, December– atthe MGM Grand with Buddy Hackett, December nineteenththrough the twenty-third. And if you’re in town, youknow, come on by, say hello. All right.[applause]
Norm MacDonald: Okay. Judge Ito. Thank you,Judge.
Judge Lance Ito: [rubs Norm’s hair] Normy.[rises, points to camera] Hey, America, I love you![to his girls] Yeah, come on, babies, let’s go. [Itoand his girls exit.]
Norm MacDonald: Judge Ito.
It was revealed today that O. J. Simpson told policethat Nicole Brown Simpson used to beat him up.He also claimed that she and Ron Goldman killedhim. … [applause]
Talk show host Ricki Lake was arrested for vandalismafter demonstrating against fur. She said wearing furwas in bad taste. Then, returned to her studio to tapea show entitled “Why Whores Get the Clap.” …[applause]
Yeah, Ricki Lake, you know, ah, she is – really is ananimal lover though. She has three cats, two dogs anda big ass that follows her around everywhere. …[Cheers, applause, groans, hoots, etc.]
Well, there may be trouble in paradise. Lisa MariePresley confirmed this week that she and MichaelJackson live in separate residences, fifty miles awayfrom each other. Lisa Marie was quoted as saying, “Iguess being married to a homosexual pedophile wasn’tsuch a great idea after all.” … [applause]
Researchers have developed a so-called “red wine pill”which gives all of the benefits of red wine withoutthe alcohol. Yeah. It’s called a grape! …
Norm MacDonald: In other entertainment news,one of the world’s biggest stars just completed awhirlwind three week world tour. Tonight he’s agreedto come to Update to tell us about it. Ladies andgentlemen, David Hasselhoff!
David Hasselhoff: Thank you! Thank you verymuch! [laughs at all the applause] My recent worldtour was an incredible experience. I went totwenty-one countries in just fifteen days and I’ve gotsome amazing stories to tell. In Japan, for instance-instance, I was invited to the state dinner at theEmperor’s Palace. What I didn’t know was the emp–
Norm MacDonald: Hey! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hang ona second. Did you just say Japan?
David Hasselhoff: Yes, I did.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, well, no offense, youknow, but I don’t think anybody cares about Japan. Whydon’t you, ah, why don’t you focus on the countrieswhere you’re, you know, you’re popular?
David Hasselhoff: Oh. Well, in China we had anincredible experience. The entire cast of “Baywatch”was invited to the Great Wall where hundreds ofthousands of Chinese people were chanting in unison,”Baywatch, Ba–”
Norm MacDonald: Whoaaaaa, whoaaa. Wait, wait.Chinese people?
David Hasselhoff: Yes, of course.
Norm MacDonald: Look, why don’t we skip China?In fact, rule out all of Asia.
David Hasselhoff: Okay, okay. Well, I mean,what do you want to hear about? I mean, I’ve got somegreat stories from all over the world.
Norm MacDonald: Oh, yeah? I was thinking, youknow, ah, some place where you’re especially popular,you know, like in, uh, Europe.
David Hasselhoff: Oh! Well, in Italy–
Norm MacDonald: Northern Europe, NorthernEurope!
David Hasselhoff: Oh, I got you. I got you.Okay. I got you. There’s one country that theyabsolutely love me — Norway.
Norm MacDonald: Norway?! What, are you crazy?!They like everybody in Norway! Nobody gives a damnabout Norway! What the hell’s wrong with ya?
David Hasselhoff: Look, ah, what’s going onhere? I’ve never seen you like this.
Norm MacDonald: Well, ahhhh, to tell you thetruth, you know, I didn’t want to be the one to bringit up but, uh, what about Germany? I mean, how do the- how do the Germans feel about ya?
David Hasselhoff: Well, on this trip, weactually didn’t stop in Germany–
Norm MacDonald: I don’t care about your stupidtrip!! Look, just tell me how you would characterize– in one sentence — the way Germans feel about you.
David Hasselhoff: Well, I’ve always beenfortunate to get a very positive response from theGermans–
Norm MacDonald: Oh, my God! This is no time forfalse modesty! We’re runnin’ late, we gotta wrap thisthing up! Do Germans love you?
David Hasselhoff: Well, “love” is an awfullystrong word…
Norm MacDonald: [hand to head] Oh, listen,David, uh… Let’s say a guy had a theory, all right?
David Hasselhoff: All right.
Norm MacDonald: A theory that he’s devotedseveral years of his life to. And let’s say he has alot of evidence to back up this theory of his.
David Hasselhoff: All right.
Norm MacDonald: [puts a large pile ofdocuments, file folders, etc., on desk — Hasselhoffis stunned] Now, don’t you think it would just becommon courtesy to help that guy out, you know, andnot – not ruin his life?
David Hasselhoff: Listen, I don’t know what youwant me to say here, pal.
Norm MacDonald: Oh my God, here, I’ll write itdown. [searches his pockets for a pencil, finds one,scribbles something on a piece of paper and gives itto David] Here! Say this!
David Hasselhoff: [puzzled, reads from paper]”Germans love me.”[Camera pans quickly from Hasselhoff to a beamingMacDonald who addresses the camera.]
Norm MacDonald: Which once again proves mytheory: Germans love David Hasselhoff! [Cheers andapplause.] And that’s the news! See you next time.Thank you, David. [fusses with his pile ofdocuments]
David Hasselhoff: [waves good-bye] Aufwiedersehen! [?], meine liebe! Auf wiedersehen! Aufwiedersehen!