Rescue 911

Rescue 911

Patrick Stewart…..Michael McKean
Female Caller…..Janene Garafalo
911 Operator…..Roseanne
Male Caller…..Jay Mohr
Spanish Caller…..Ellen Cleghorne
Jordy…..Tim Meadows

Announcer: Tonight, “Rescue 911” goes to Philadelphia. With your host, Patrick Stewart.

[ dissolve to Patrick Stewart ]

Patrick Stewart: Good evening. I’m Patrick Stewart. Filling in for William Shatner. Thank you. This week, “Rescue 911” travels to the streets of Philadelphia. In our first story, a Philadelphia 911 operator has to make a split-second decision, when she receives a call about a man choking. It’s a life or death situation.

[ dissolve to Re-Enactment of Female Caller panicking as her husband chokes ]

Female Caller: Help me! My husband’s choking to death! Please help me, he’s gonna diiiieeee!

[ dissolve to 911 Operator handling the call ]

911 Operator: [ annoyed ] Alright, allright! Would you stop screaming in my ear! I heard you! Geez!

Female Caller: Oh, Go-o-o-o-od! Oh, God, he’s not breathing, send an ambulance!

911 Operator: Oh, keep your pants on! What’s he choking on, anyway?

Female Caller: An egg salad sandwich!

911 Operator: [ disgusted ] Oh, that is gross! How do you choke on egg salad? Hasn’t he heard of that new thing called chewing?

[ dissolve to Patrick Stewart ]

Patrick Stewart: As the seconds tick by, the 911 operator elicits further information.

[ dissolve back to call ]

911 Operator: Who eats egg salad, anyway?

Female Caller: You’ve got to send an ambulance! Now!

911 Operator: [ put off ] Hey! Don’t tell me how to do my job! You keep talking like that, I’m gonna hang up!

Female Caller: Well, can I talk to somebody else there? Because you’re really starting to..

911 Operator: [ hangs up ] Jackass!

[ dissolve to 911 Operator in recap of scene ]

911 Operator: I gotta send an ambulance?! I got-ta send an ambulance?! Hey, I work for the city! I don’t gotta do anything! She’s lucky I don’t drive over there myself and show her what choking to death is really like!

[ dissolve back to Patrick Stewart ]

Patrick Stewart: In our next story: an armed robbery on the streets of Philadelphia turns deadly, and it’s up to a 911 operator to handle the crisis. Listen, as we play the actual recording of a 911 call. Make it so!

[ show text of call over image of tape recorder device ]

Male Caller: The guy’s got a gun, and he shot someone! He’s bleeding all over!

911 Operator: [ bored ] Uh-huh?

Male Caller: Oh, man, hurry up! They’re killing each other! It’s 1-5-6 Market Street!

911 Operator: Uh-huh..?

Male Caller: Oh, man, he’s shooting now! They’re both shooting! Aaagghhh!!

911 Operator: Yeah.

[ SUPER: “911 Operator: Makes Yap Yap Yap sign with her hands” ] [ SUPER: “911 Operator: Sticks her finger in her throat to indicate the call makes her want to throw up” ] [ dissolve back to Patrick Stewart ]

Patrick Stewart: In our third story: it’s another life and death moment, and time is of the essence. Engage!

[ phone rings, but no operator is there to answer ] [ dissolve to 911 Operator giving recap of scene ]

911 Operator: Alright, so I missed that call! I don’t know where the hell I was, and who cares! They’ll probably just call back later with some other stupid emergency! What is it with these people, anyway? I’ll tell you, sometimes I get so damn mad, I just want to take the thing off the hook! And I do!

[ dissolve back to Patrick Stewart ]

Patrick Stewart: Next week, on “Rescue 911”: a Philadelphia 911 operator faces a special challenge. Maximum warp!

[ dissolve to 911 Operator taking call from Spanish Caller ]

Spanish Caller: [ in Spanish ] Por favor! Por favor!

911 Operator: What?! I don’t understand you! Are you speaking.. Spanish? [ Spanish Caller continues to ramble in Spanish ] Hey, if you keep talking like that, I’m just gonna hang up! [ the spanish continues, so 911 Operator hangs up ] Foreignor!

[ dissolve back to Patrick Stewart ]

Patrick Stewart: That’s all for this time. See you next week on “Rescue 911”.

[ suddenly, Jordy enters scene ]

Jordy: Goodbye!

[ Patrick Stewart is dumbfounded by the surprise appearance, as title card appears over them to fade ]

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