Rescue 911

Rescue 911

Patrick Stewart…..Michael McKean
Female Caller…..Janene Garafalo
911 Operator…..Roseanne
Male Caller…..Jay Mohr
Spanish Caller…..Ellen Cleghorne
Jordy…..Tim Meadows

Announcer: Tonight, “Rescue 911” goes to Philadelphia. With your host, Patrick Stewart.

[ dissolve to Patrick Stewart ]

Patrick Stewart: Good evening. I’m Patrick Stewart. Filling in for William Shatner. Thank you. This week, “Rescue 911” travels to the streets of Philadelphia. In our first story, a Philadelphia 911 operator has to make a split-second decision, when she receives a call about a man choking. It’s a life or death situation.

[ dissolve to Re-Enactment of Female Caller panicking as her husband chokes ]

Female Caller: Help me! My husband’s choking to death! Please help me, he’s gonna diiiieeee!

[ dissolve to 911 Operator handling the call ]

911 Operator: [ annoyed ] Alright, allright! Would you stop screaming in my ear! I heard you! Geez!

Female Caller: Oh, Go-o-o-o-od! Oh, God, he’s not breathing, send an ambulance!

911 Operator: Oh, keep your pants on! What’s he choking on, anyway?

Female Caller: An egg salad sandwich!

911 Operator: [ disgusted ] Oh, that is gross! How do you choke on egg salad? Hasn’t he heard of that new thing called chewing?

[ dissolve to Patrick Stewart ]

Patrick Stewart: As the seconds tick by, the 911 operator elicits further information.

[ dissolve back to call ]

911 Operator: Who eats egg salad, anyway?

Female Caller: You’ve got to send an ambulance! Now!

911 Operator: [ put off ] Hey! Don’t tell me how to do my job! You keep talking like that, I’m gonna hang up!

Female Caller: Well, can I talk to somebody else there? Because you’re really starting to..

911 Operator: [ hangs up ] Jackass!

[ dissolve to 911 Operator in recap of scene ]

911 Operator: I gotta send an ambulance?! I got-ta send an ambulance?! Hey, I work for the city! I don’t gotta do anything! She’s lucky I don’t drive over there myself and show her what choking to death is really like!

[ dissolve back to Patrick Stewart ]

Patrick Stewart: In our next story: an armed robbery on the streets of Philadelphia turns deadly, and it’s up to a 911 operator to handle the crisis. Listen, as we play the actual recording of a 911 call. Make it so!

[ show text of call over image of tape recorder device ]

Male Caller: The guy’s got a gun, and he shot someone! He’s bleeding all over!

911 Operator: [ bored ] Uh-huh?

Male Caller: Oh, man, hurry up! They’re killing each other! It’s 1-5-6 Market Street!

911 Operator: Uh-huh..?

Male Caller: Oh, man, he’s shooting now! They’re both shooting! Aaagghhh!!

911 Operator: Yeah.

[ SUPER: “911 Operator: Makes Yap Yap Yap sign with her hands” ]

[ SUPER: “911 Operator: Sticks her finger in her throat to indicate the call makes her want to throw up” ]

[ dissolve back to Patrick Stewart ]

Patrick Stewart: In our third story: it’s another life and death moment, and time is of the essence. Engage!

[ phone rings, but no operator is there to answer ]

[ dissolve to 911 Operator giving recap of scene ]

911 Operator: Alright, so I missed that call! I don’t know where the hell I was, and who cares! They’ll probably just call back later with some other stupid emergency! What is it with these people, anyway? I’ll tell you, sometimes I get so damn mad, I just want to take the thing off the hook! And I do!

[ dissolve back to Patrick Stewart ]

Patrick Stewart: Next week, on “Rescue 911”: a Philadelphia 911 operator faces a special challenge. Maximum warp!

[ dissolve to 911 Operator taking call from Spanish Caller ]

Spanish Caller: [ in Spanish ] Por favor! Por favor!

911 Operator: What?! I don’t understand you! Are you speaking.. Spanish? [ Spanish Caller continues to ramble in Spanish ] Hey, if you keep talking like that, I’m just gonna hang up! [ the spanish continues, so 911 Operator hangs up ] Foreignor!

[ dissolve back to Patrick Stewart ]

Patrick Stewart: That’s all for this time. See you next week on “Rescue 911”.

[ suddenly, Jordy enters scene ]

Jordy: Goodbye!

[ Patrick Stewart is dumbfounded by the surprise appearance, as title card appears over them to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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