Jesse Helms Press Conference
Sen. Jesse Helms..Mike Myers
Reporter #1…..Michael McKean
Reporter #2…..Ellen Cleghorne
Reporter #3…..Kevin Nealon
Announcer: Next on C-Span, Sen. Jesse Helms holds a press conference, to explain threatening remarks he made last week about President Clinton.
Sen. Jesse Helms: Good afternoon, thank you all for coming. I just want to set a few things straight. First of all, it is true – I did tell a newspaper reporter, “If the President comes to North Carlina, he’d better bring a bodyguard.” Now, sooome people thought that was inappropriate, indicating that I’d like to see the President harmed. Well, if that were true, why did I tell him to bring a bodyguard?! It doesn’t make sense! If I wanted him harmed, I’d tell him not to bring a bodyguard! Unless you’re, you’re thinking I was using some kind of “reverse psychology”. But I don’t uuuuse “reverse psychology” – or do I? You don’t know what I’m thinking! Alright, let’s move on to some much more imoportant issues, such as my bill to replace Martin Luther King’s birthday with National tobacco Day. [ reporters start waving their hands and attracting Helms’ attention ] Yes?
Reporter #1: Senator Helms, do you intend to apologize personally to the President and Mrs. Clinton.
Sen. Jesse Helms: Well, let me just say a little something to Hillary Clinton: If the First-Lady comes to North Carolina, she should alos bring a bodyguard! She’s gonna need round-the-clock security protecting her be-hind. And I need not remind you, that is a pretty big be-hind! [ laughs ] Yes! Yes!
Reporter #2: Senator, how can you talk about our First Lady like that? She’s a wife and a mother!
Sen. Jesse Helms: Oh, she’s a mother, all right! [ chuckles ] And, I’ll tell you something, I’ve got some advice for that daughter of hers – Chelsea, don’t stand too close to Al Gore. He’s a marked man! and all I’m saying is: Accidents happen. Vice-Presidents get struck by lightning.. air conditioners fall onto Vice-Presidents’ heads.. Vice-Presidents get hit by poisonous blowdarts.. All I’m saying is “Watch it!” Okay? And that goes for the Gore girls, too! If I were the Gore girls, I’d have my brakes checked! You don’t want to be driving down a winding North Carolina road at night, and some other car starts banging into you and.. runs you off the road, and sends your car flying into some ditch.. It’s a crazy world out there, and nowhere’s crazier than North Carolina! [ reports clamor for Helms’ attention ] Yes! Yes!
Reporter #3: Senator, you’ve covered almost everyone in the White House except Socks the Cat! Do you plan to threaten her, too? [ laughs ]
Sen. Jesse Helms: Socks! I got a little piece of advice for you! Careful what you eat! Now, I’m not saying another word on the subject, except this – strictnine. Oh. And the best way to kill Socks the Cat? “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”