Jesse Helms Press Conference


Jesse Helms Press Conference

Sen. Jesse Helms..Mike Myers
Reporter #1…..Michael McKean
Reporter #2…..Ellen Cleghorne
Reporter #3…..Kevin Nealon


Announcer: Next on C-Span, Sen. Jesse Helms holds a press conference, to explain threatening remarks he made last week about President Clinton.

Sen. Jesse Helms: Good afternoon, thank you all for coming. I just want to set a few things straight. First of all, it is true – I did tell a newspaper reporter, “If the President comes to North Carlina, he’d better bring a bodyguard.” Now, sooome people thought that was inappropriate, indicating that I’d like to see the President harmed. Well, if that were true, why did I tell him to bring a bodyguard?! It doesn’t make sense! If I wanted him harmed, I’d tell him not to bring a bodyguard! Unless you’re, you’re thinking I was using some kind of “reverse psychology”. But I don’t uuuuse “reverse psychology” – or do I? You don’t know what I’m thinking! Alright, let’s move on to some much more imoportant issues, such as my bill to replace Martin Luther King’s birthday with National tobacco Day. [ reporters start waving their hands and attracting Helms’ attention ] Yes?

Reporter #1: Senator Helms, do you intend to apologize personally to the President and Mrs. Clinton.

Sen. Jesse Helms: Well, let me just say a little something to Hillary Clinton: If the First-Lady comes to North Carolina, she should alos bring a bodyguard! She’s gonna need round-the-clock security protecting her be-hind. And I need not remind you, that is a pretty big be-hind! [ laughs ] Yes! Yes!

Reporter #2: Senator, how can you talk about our First Lady like that? She’s a wife and a mother!

Sen. Jesse Helms: Oh, she’s a mother, all right! [ chuckles ] And, I’ll tell you something, I’ve got some advice for that daughter of hers – Chelsea, don’t stand too close to Al Gore. He’s a marked man! and all I’m saying is: Accidents happen. Vice-Presidents get struck by lightning.. air conditioners fall onto Vice-Presidents’ heads.. Vice-Presidents get hit by poisonous blowdarts.. All I’m saying is “Watch it!” Okay? And that goes for the Gore girls, too! If I were the Gore girls, I’d have my brakes checked! You don’t want to be driving down a winding North Carolina road at night, and some other car starts banging into you and.. runs you off the road, and sends your car flying into some ditch.. It’s a crazy world out there, and nowhere’s crazier than North Carolina! [ reports clamor for Helms’ attention ] Yes! Yes!

Reporter #3: Senator, you’ve covered almost everyone in the White House except Socks the Cat! Do you plan to threaten her, too? [ laughs ]

Sen. Jesse Helms: Socks! I got a little piece of advice for you! Careful what you eat! Now, I’m not saying another word on the subject, except this – strictnine. Oh. And the best way to kill Socks the Cat? “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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