Lock-Up with Bobby Blake
Guard…..Tim Meadows
Bobby Blake…..Laura Kightlinger
Tammy…..Ellen Cleghorne
Pauline…..Roseanne
Cheryl Houston…..Janeane Garofalo
…..Rip Taylor
Announcer: Live, from the Dansmore Correctional Facility, it’s “Lock-Up”! With Bobby Blake! And now, a woman who’s in fr manslaughter – ’cause she slaughtered a man – here’s Bobby Blake!
[ dissolve to Bobby Blake being led into Cellblock 6 by a prison guard ]
Guard: Alright, you’ve got ten minutes. [ Bobby throws her cigarette at the guard ] Make that five!
Bobby Blake: [ chuckles ] Get lost, screw! [ the Guard exits ] Hey, welcome to “Lock-Up”! I’m Bobby Blake. [ her audience claps ] So, what’s up in the news? Well, let’s see.. our good friend in Florida – Eileen Warnos – has been given two consecutive death sentences. [ laughs ] But, hopefully, with good behavior, she’ll get it down to one! [ her audience laughs with her ] I’m not making this stuff up, folks! [ turns to face Tammy ] Hey, Tammy? Play me over!
[ Tammy presses a button on a jukebox, playing Bobby over to her desk ]
Bobby Blake: Thanks, babe. Alllright.. now every now and then, we do a little thing called Funny Prison Items. Now, now.. these are actual items that have been confiscated by prison guards around the country! [ laughs ] Isn’t that right, Tammy?
Tammy: I told you – I don’t care!
Bobby Blake: [ laughs ] Alright. Now.. the first item, was made out of a toothbrush. [ pulls the item out of a box and holds it up for the crowd ] It was filed down around the edges – now, it’s a knife! [ her audience laughs with her ] I’m not making this stuff up, folks! Okay, let’s see what else we have here. [ rummages through the box ] Oh. [ pulls out a second object ] It’s a license plate.. that’s been filed down to a knife. [ her audience laughs, as she rummages through the box ] Oh, here’s a good one. [ holds up the object ] Now, this is a knife made out of a file! Evidently, you need two files to get this thing! Isn’t that right, Tam!
Tammy: [ annoyed by the repeat routine ] How ’bout I come over there, and stick that thing in your head?!
[ audience oohs ]
Bobby Blake: [ blows it off ] Now.. uh.. now, this is interesting. [ holds up her next object ] This is a knife.. made from a law book, in a prison library. Did you see this, Tammy?
Tammy: [ a deeper scowl on her face ] I play for keeps!
Bobby Blake: [ laughs ] Alright! [ rummages through the box again ] And, finally – I love this one.. [ holds up the object ] This is an item that is all the way from the Creedmore Insitute for the Criminally Insane, and it’s actually a knife.. made out of a gun! [ her audience shows their excitement. Yeah. I couldn’t make this stuff up, folks. [ puts the box away ] Alright.. let’s bring out our first guest. She’s doing a dime for armed robbery, and in addition to being a very talented tattoo artist, you may kbow her as the woman who owns me – please give a Cellblock 6 welcome to Pauline!
[ Pauline runs onto the set ]
Pauline: Thanks, guys! Yeah, Bobby’s doing a great job – before her, the only thing we had to watch was Cinemax and HBO, Pay-Per-View – which we never had to pay for – and Nickelodeon. Let’s hear it, she’s doing a great job! [ the crowd cheers ] She’s a beautiful woman! Look at that skin, huh? [ the crowd oohs and ahhs ] Stay AWAY from her, she’s MINE!!
Bobby Blake: [ blushing ] Okay, well.. it’s great to have you on the show, Pauline. Now, I understand you brought a clip?
Pauline: Yeah.
Bobby Blake: Now, would you like to set this up for us?
Pauline: Nah, it’s pretty self-explanatory.
[ dissolve to the black-and-white clip of Pauline robbing a bank ]
Pauline (on video): Alright, everybody, HIT the floor!! STAY (bleep!) I said “Hit the floor!” What, are you DEAF?! Give me the money, or your (bleep!)-ing brains will hit the floor before YOU do! [ runs in front of the security camera, and shoots at it with her gun, sending it into a snow signal ]
[ dissolve back to “Lock-Up”, the crowd applauding the clip ]
Bobby Blake: [ impressed ] Wow! Wow! That was great! Now, I always thought that.. doing a robbery would be about the hardest thing anybody could ever do! [ laughs] I get nervous just cashing a forged check! [ she and Pauline laugh ] Am I right, ladies? Ah.. [ to Pauline ] ..were you nervous?
Pauline: Ahhh.
Bobby Blake: Now, how did you feel when you got caught.
Pauline: Well, I felt pretty bad, but.. if I hadn’t got caught, I never would have met you, Honey Pot!
[ the crowd whoos ]
Bobby Blake: [ scared ] Oh, God! Please don’t hurt me tonight!
Pauline: Ah, you know you love it!
Bobby Blake: [ laughs ] Okay, you big lug!
Pauline: You got my cigarettes?
Bobby Blake: No. But it’s funny you should mention that, because now it’s time to introduce a new segment on my show – Home Shopping with Cheryl Houston!
[ the crowd applauds Cheryl into the cellblock ]
Uh.. pleeease? Alright! Hey, so Cheryl, what haev you got for us today?
Cheryl Houston: Okay, the first thing I got is a lovely silver spoon ring – can we get a close-up of that?
[ cut to the close-up, as the crowd oohs ]
Bobby Blake: Okay, yeah!
Cheryl Houston: Yeah, this came from our own cafeteria, and, as you know, can be filed down into a knife.
Bobby Blake: God, it’s beautiful!
Cheryl Houston: Yeah.
Bobby Blake: Now, how much is that going for?
Cheryl Houston: Well, it’s gonna run you a pack of Marlboros.. or, about a pack-and-a-half of Luckys.
Bobby Blake: Uh-huh. That’s a bargain! What else you got?
Cheryl Houston: Okay, the next thing I got here.. I got a picture here of Lisa Mandell, convicted for insider trading, will soon to be transferred to a minimum security prison. So you’d better act fast, ’cause this baby’s goin’ quick.
Bobby Blake: [ laughs ] Well, she’s not gonna last long at those prices!
Cheryl Houston: A pack of Kools.
Bobby Blake: So, is that it?
Cheryl Houston: No, I got one more thing – don’t think I can show it here, though. It’s a vibrator that’s never been used.
[ the crowd voices their disagreement: “Yeah, right!” ]
Bobby Blake: [ laughing ] Alright, I believe that one! And I also believe that you didn’t toss your old man into the wood chipper!
[ the crowd oohs at the possibility of a fight ]
Cheryl Houston: Hey! Hey! One more CRACK outta YOU, and it’s GO TIME, my lady!!
[ Cheryl grabs Bobby by the neck, but Pauline intercedes ]
Bobby Blake: Whoa.. um.. okay! I guess some of us have never been on TV before. Right, Tam?
Tammy: [ pissed ] I told you – I play for keeps!
Pauline: [ walks over, curious ] Hey.. who’s that?
Bobby Blake: It’s Tammy..sh-she’s my sidekick.
Pauline: Yeahhh? Well, she is.. one chocolate goddess!
Bobby Blake: [ feeling threatened ] She’s not so great.
Tammy: You think so? You know, uh.. I bin thinkin’ ’bout you ever since you bit that guard! [ laughs ]
Pauline: Welll.. I thik me and Miss Tammy here are gonna have to blow off this Amateur Hour.
Bobby Blake: [ stammering ] Uh.. uh.. no, you’re n-not! That just about wraps it up, I’m.. [ Pauline and Tammy proceed to make out ] Hey, wait, come on! This is my show! Come on! I’m your wife!
Pauline: Yeah? Well, don’t wait up.
[ the crowd oohs ]
Bobby Blake: [ near tears ] Aw.. I guess we don’t have time for our third guest.. I’d like to apologize to Rip Taylor. We went a little long, I’m sorry, Rip-
[ Rip Taylor enters to huge applause ]
Rip Taylor: But it’s o-kay! Because I love this women’s prison!
[ Rip waves a bag of colored feathers over the heads of the female inmates, as the Guard attempts to restrain him ]
[ fade ]
