Lock-Up with Bobby Blake


Lock-Up with Bobby Blake

Guard…..Tim Meadows
Bobby Blake…..Laura Kightlinger
Tammy…..Ellen Cleghorne
Cheryl Houston…..Janeane Garofalo
…..Rip Taylor

Announcer: Live, from the Dansmore Correctional Facility, it’s “Lock-Up”! With Bobby Blake! And now, a woman who’s in fr manslaughter – ’cause she slaughtered a man – here’s Bobby Blake!

[ dissolve to Bobby Blake being led into Cellblock 6 by a prison guard ]

Guard: Alright, you’ve got ten minutes. [ Bobby throws her cigarette at the guard ] Make that five!

Bobby Blake: [ chuckles ] Get lost, screw! [ the Guard exits ] Hey, welcome to “Lock-Up”! I’m Bobby Blake. [ her audience claps ] So, what’s up in the news? Well, let’s see.. our good friend in Florida – Eileen Warnos – has been given two consecutive death sentences. [ laughs ] But, hopefully, with good behavior, she’ll get it down to one! [ her audience laughs with her ] I’m not making this stuff up, folks! [ turns to face Tammy ] Hey, Tammy? Play me over!

[ Tammy presses a button on a jukebox, playing Bobby over to her desk ]

Bobby Blake: Thanks, babe. Alllright.. now every now and then, we do a little thing called Funny Prison Items. Now, now.. these are actual items that have been confiscated by prison guards around the country! [ laughs ] Isn’t that right, Tammy?

Tammy: I told you – I don’t care!

Bobby Blake: [ laughs ] Alright. Now.. the first item, was made out of a toothbrush. [ pulls the item out of a box and holds it up for the crowd ] It was filed down around the edges – now, it’s a knife! [ her audience laughs with her ] I’m not making this stuff up, folks! Okay, let’s see what else we have here. [ rummages through the box ] Oh. [ pulls out a second object ] It’s a license plate.. that’s been filed down to a knife. [ her audience laughs, as she rummages through the box ] Oh, here’s a good one. [ holds up the object ] Now, this is a knife made out of a file! Evidently, you need two files to get this thing! Isn’t that right, Tam!

Tammy: [ annoyed by the repeat routine ] How ’bout I come over there, and stick that thing in your head?!

[ audience oohs ]

Bobby Blake: [ blows it off ] Now.. uh.. now, this is interesting. [ holds up her next object ] This is a knife.. made from a law book, in a prison library. Did you see this, Tammy?

Tammy: [ a deeper scowl on her face ] I play for keeps!

Bobby Blake: [ laughs ] Alright! [ rummages through the box again ] And, finally – I love this one.. [ holds up the object ] This is an item that is all the way from the Creedmore Insitute for the Criminally Insane, and it’s actually a knife.. made out of a gun! [ her audience shows their excitement. Yeah. I couldn’t make this stuff up, folks. [ puts the box away ] Alright.. let’s bring out our first guest. She’s doing a dime for armed robbery, and in addition to being a very talented tattoo artist, you may kbow her as the woman who owns me – please give a Cellblock 6 welcome to Pauline!

[ Pauline runs onto the set ]

Pauline: Thanks, guys! Yeah, Bobby’s doing a great job – before her, the only thing we had to watch was Cinemax and HBO, Pay-Per-View – which we never had to pay for – and Nickelodeon. Let’s hear it, she’s doing a great job! [ the crowd cheers ] She’s a beautiful woman! Look at that skin, huh? [ the crowd oohs and ahhs ] Stay AWAY from her, she’s MINE!!

Bobby Blake: [ blushing ] Okay, well.. it’s great to have you on the show, Pauline. Now, I understand you brought a clip?

Pauline: Yeah.

Bobby Blake: Now, would you like to set this up for us?

Pauline: Nah, it’s pretty self-explanatory.

[ dissolve to the black-and-white clip of Pauline robbing a bank ]

Pauline (on video): Alright, everybody, HIT the floor!! STAY (bleep!) I said “Hit the floor!” What, are you DEAF?! Give me the money, or your (bleep!)-ing brains will hit the floor before YOU do! [ runs in front of the security camera, and shoots at it with her gun, sending it into a snow signal ] [ dissolve back to “Lock-Up”, the crowd applauding the clip ]

Bobby Blake: [ impressed ] Wow! Wow! That was great! Now, I always thought that.. doing a robbery would be about the hardest thing anybody could ever do! [ laughs] I get nervous just cashing a forged check! [ she and Pauline laugh ] Am I right, ladies? Ah.. [ to Pauline ] ..were you nervous?

Pauline: Ahhh.

Bobby Blake: Now, how did you feel when you got caught.

Pauline: Well, I felt pretty bad, but.. if I hadn’t got caught, I never would have met you, Honey Pot!

[ the crowd whoos ]

Bobby Blake: [ scared ] Oh, God! Please don’t hurt me tonight!

Pauline: Ah, you know you love it!

Bobby Blake: [ laughs ] Okay, you big lug!

Pauline: You got my cigarettes?

Bobby Blake: No. But it’s funny you should mention that, because now it’s time to introduce a new segment on my show – Home Shopping with Cheryl Houston!

[ the crowd applauds Cheryl into the cellblock ]

Uh.. pleeease? Alright! Hey, so Cheryl, what haev you got for us today?

Cheryl Houston: Okay, the first thing I got is a lovely silver spoon ring – can we get a close-up of that?

[ cut to the close-up, as the crowd oohs ]

Bobby Blake: Okay, yeah!

Cheryl Houston: Yeah, this came from our own cafeteria, and, as you know, can be filed down into a knife.

Bobby Blake: God, it’s beautiful!

Cheryl Houston: Yeah.

Bobby Blake: Now, how much is that going for?

Cheryl Houston: Well, it’s gonna run you a pack of Marlboros.. or, about a pack-and-a-half of Luckys.

Bobby Blake: Uh-huh. That’s a bargain! What else you got?

Cheryl Houston: Okay, the next thing I got here.. I got a picture here of Lisa Mandell, convicted for insider trading, will soon to be transferred to a minimum security prison. So you’d better act fast, ’cause this baby’s goin’ quick.

Bobby Blake: [ laughs ] Well, she’s not gonna last long at those prices!

Cheryl Houston: A pack of Kools.

Bobby Blake: So, is that it?

Cheryl Houston: No, I got one more thing – don’t think I can show it here, though. It’s a vibrator that’s never been used.

[ the crowd voices their disagreement: “Yeah, right!” ]

Bobby Blake: [ laughing ] Alright, I believe that one! And I also believe that you didn’t toss your old man into the wood chipper!

[ the crowd oohs at the possibility of a fight ]

Cheryl Houston: Hey! Hey! One more CRACK outta YOU, and it’s GO TIME, my lady!!

[ Cheryl grabs Bobby by the neck, but Pauline intercedes ]

Bobby Blake: Whoa.. um.. okay! I guess some of us have never been on TV before. Right, Tam?

Tammy: [ pissed ] I told you – I play for keeps!

Pauline: [ walks over, curious ] Hey.. who’s that?

Bobby Blake: It’s Tammy..sh-she’s my sidekick.

Pauline: Yeahhh? Well, she is.. one chocolate goddess!

Bobby Blake: [ feeling threatened ] She’s not so great.

Tammy: You think so? You know, uh.. I bin thinkin’ ’bout you ever since you bit that guard! [ laughs ]

Pauline: Welll.. I thik me and Miss Tammy here are gonna have to blow off this Amateur Hour.

Bobby Blake: [ stammering ] Uh.. uh.. no, you’re n-not! That just about wraps it up, I’m.. [ Pauline and Tammy proceed to make out ] Hey, wait, come on! This is my show! Come on! I’m your wife!

Pauline: Yeah? Well, don’t wait up.

[ the crowd oohs ]

Bobby Blake: [ near tears ] Aw.. I guess we don’t have time for our third guest.. I’d like to apologize to Rip Taylor. We went a little long, I’m sorry, Rip-

[ Rip Taylor enters to huge applause ]

Rip Taylor: But it’s o-kay! Because I love this women’s prison!

[ Rip waves a bag of colored feathers over the heads of the female inmates, as the Guard attempts to restrain him ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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