Roseanne’s Monologue

Roseanne’s Monologue


Roseanne: Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you so much! I love New York when it’s co-old! You can hardly smell the urine rom the subway! And if you step in dog crap, who cares, it’s FROZEN! Well, I just survived another heap of dog crap and lived through it! [ audience applauds wildly ] Yeah, people still ask me: “Hey, Roseanne, what about that three-way marriage thing?” And I would very well like to clear that up. I thought it was a joke. But.. that’s Hollywood for ya’. [ sarcastic ] And, boy, I love Hollywood – okay, I have a few problems with Hollywood. Like Heidi Fleiss. How can they prosecute anyone in Hollywood for prostitution? Everyone is a prostitute in Hollywood! [ audience applauds thunderously ] Oh, yeah, right – Heidi is guilty.. but O.J. will be home in time for CHRISTMAAAASSS!! You know, the only judge who could find O.J. innocent is Clarence Thomas. [ audience goes nuts at the thought ] And he already has a job.

So there’s just way too much hype in the news, and it just has all of you fooled. That’s why you have a Republican Congress now. [ audience applauds wildly ] ‘Cause y’all see Arnold Schwartzenegger standing next to a Republican candidate, so you go: “Well, the Terminator likes him – he must be storng on defense.” [ audience applauds wildly ] Wake UP! Don’t let show business elect your government, because everything in Hollywood is just a big, fat lie! Okay? Nobody is married because they’re in love with each other – the’re just married because it’s too expensive to get a divorce! [ light, confused laughter from the audience ] And all the guys who pretend to be these big family men – Heid Fleiss knows them. [ audience laughs ] And half of you movie stars in Hollywood – stop pretending that you’re faithful! And the other half – stop pretending that you’re not gay! [ audience applauds wildly ]

Yeah, I can already hear all the critics. [ mimicking a whiny critic ] “Well, if she hates Hollywood so much, why doesn’t she just leaaaave?” You know, I don’t hate all the critics – just you first-year penmanship students who always come out to critique the political content of my ass, okay? You just don’t GET IT.. and you NEVER will! [ light wild applause from the audience ] If you had any talent, you would go write that novel you’ve been talking about, instead of writing the Gossip column for People Magazine! [ audience applauds ] I mean, I hate that guy. He writes: “Well, Roseanne lives her life in the public eye..” Well, if it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have a job! So get off my AAAAASSSSSS!! [ audience applauds wildly ]

Oh, and by the way, I’ve just been artificially inseminated. And I have sixteen babies inside of me! And that oughtta keep “Hard Copy” on forever! [ laughs ] And it was not painful, just so you know. It was just a little prick, kind of like having sex with Tom.. [ audience applauds wildly ] And it only took a minute! [ audience applauds wilder still ]

So, it’s gonna be a great show! So, stick around – Green Day is here, and we’ll be right back!

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