Roseanne’s Monologue


Roseanne’s Monologue


Roseanne: Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you so much! I love New York when it’s co-old! You can hardly smell the urine rom the subway! And if you step in dog crap, who cares, it’s FROZEN! Well, I just survived another heap of dog crap and lived through it! [ audience applauds wildly ] Yeah, people still ask me: “Hey, Roseanne, what about that three-way marriage thing?” And I would very well like to clear that up. I thought it was a joke. But.. that’s Hollywood for ya’. [ sarcastic ] And, boy, I love Hollywood – okay, I have a few problems with Hollywood. Like Heidi Fleiss. How can they prosecute anyone in Hollywood for prostitution? Everyone is a prostitute in Hollywood! [ audience applauds thunderously ] Oh, yeah, right – Heidi is guilty.. but O.J. will be home in time for CHRISTMAAAASSS!! You know, the only judge who could find O.J. innocent is Clarence Thomas. [ audience goes nuts at the thought ] And he already has a job.

So there’s just way too much hype in the news, and it just has all of you fooled. That’s why you have a Republican Congress now. [ audience applauds wildly ] ‘Cause y’all see Arnold Schwartzenegger standing next to a Republican candidate, so you go: “Well, the Terminator likes him – he must be storng on defense.” [ audience applauds wildly ] Wake UP! Don’t let show business elect your government, because everything in Hollywood is just a big, fat lie! Okay? Nobody is married because they’re in love with each other – the’re just married because it’s too expensive to get a divorce! [ light, confused laughter from the audience ] And all the guys who pretend to be these big family men – Heid Fleiss knows them. [ audience laughs ] And half of you movie stars in Hollywood – stop pretending that you’re faithful! And the other half – stop pretending that you’re not gay! [ audience applauds wildly ]

Yeah, I can already hear all the critics. [ mimicking a whiny critic ] “Well, if she hates Hollywood so much, why doesn’t she just leaaaave?” You know, I don’t hate all the critics – just you first-year penmanship students who always come out to critique the political content of my ass, okay? You just don’t GET IT.. and you NEVER will! [ light wild applause from the audience ] If you had any talent, you would go write that novel you’ve been talking about, instead of writing the Gossip column for People Magazine! [ audience applauds ] I mean, I hate that guy. He writes: “Well, Roseanne lives her life in the public eye..” Well, if it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have a job! So get off my AAAAASSSSSS!! [ audience applauds wildly ]

Oh, and by the way, I’ve just been artificially inseminated. And I have sixteen babies inside of me! And that oughtta keep “Hard Copy” on forever! [ laughs ] And it was not painful, just so you know. It was just a little prick, kind of like having sex with Tom.. [ audience applauds wildly ] And it only took a minute! [ audience applauds wilder still ]

So, it’s gonna be a great show! So, stick around – Green Day is here, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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