Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald
… David Spade
Naomi Green … Janene Garofalo
… Adam Sandler

[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit and red necktie, sits atthe WU desk and organizes his sheaf of papers. Music.SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thanks. I’m NormMacDonald and this is the fake news. …

GATT passed in the senate this week, 76 forGATT and 24 no idea what the hell GATT is.… So that was a close one.

USAir is beginning a campaign to restore passengerconfidence. I think just two little words will dothat: “We’ve landed.” … [scatteredapplause]

Blimpies has started supplying subs for Delta Airlinesto serve on its flights. And, in return, Delta isgiving Blimpies barf bags to hand out in itsrestaurants. … [applause]

Standing outside a New York City courtroom this week,Paula Jones was berated by passing New Yorkers whocalled her names such as “slut” and “whore.” Observerssay the situation grew even worse when the crowdrealized who she was. … [cheers andapplause]

Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. [waves]Hey, happy birthday, Jesus! Hope you like crap! …[cheers and applause mixed with a sort of “can’tbelieve he just said that” whoo-ing] Ahhhh, well -[David Spade, seated just off camera, says somethingquietly to Norm who responds:] I don’t know.

Norm MacDonald: Well, professional baseball andhockey are still on strike and here with a commentaryis David Spade! David. [Cheers and applause as we panover to Spade in suit and tie.]

David Spade: All right! Thank you, Norman. Iwanted to send a message to the players and owners andsay, Is it really worth it? Come on. Let’s put it inperspective, folks. These athletes better look downthe road a bit ‘cuz guess what?! Baseball’s theonly thing ya do! Huh? Yeah. What? Uh huh. … It’snot even a real job! Hi! …

Guys, you’ve got families to support so braceyourself. ‘Cuz if you stop playing, in about threeyears, you’ll be hearing stuff like: “Wow, you’re theCy Young winner. You must have a really strong arm.Okay, the jackhammer’s a little tricky so you gottastay on top of it.” … “No way! You’re a catcher?Wow, that’s perfect ‘cuz you might have to catchsomeone if they fall out of the Ferris wheel somake sure they … keep the – safety bardown.”

And hockey players – here’s another group of guys withskills that translate well into the real world. “Hey![snaps fingers] Quick! We need a doctor, anelectrician and a guy who can skate backwards! …Stat!”

See what’s happening here? It can be a rough ride. AndI can talk. I’ve been in a similar situation. Thissummer, I decided I was gonna go on strike here atSaturday Night Live if I didn’t get a big fat raise.I’m worth it!, I told myself. They oweme. Well, the president of NBC looked at me andsaid, “And you are…?” … [cheers and applause] So -I decided to come back – for the love of the game.And, uh –

Also, in the big picture, I’m lucky. Deep down, I knowit. And they know it. And all of, heh, you know it…. But, uh, you know, come on. Like I couldn’t bereplaced by any kid from “Saved By the Bell”?Let’s get serious. … Like Screech couldn’t stand onan airplane and say, “Buh-bye! Buh – bye. Buh – bye.Z-z-z. Buh-bye.” … [applause] Oh, yeah, it’s easierthan it looks. …

But, guys, I do feel sorry for ya. Ya haven’t beenable to play your road games so that means, for thelast eight months, you’ve had to have sex with yourown wives. Now nobody wants that. … [more “can’tbelieve he just said that” whoo-ing and applause -Spade turns briefly to Norm and raises his eyebrows insurprise – apparently, Norm gave him the line] So,take my advice: start negotiating and playball! Back to you, Norm. [cheers andapplause]

Norm MacDonald: Yeah!

David Spade: There ya go.

Norm MacDonald: Thank you, David. DavidSpade.

David Spade: Thank you for that joke. [Normshakes Spade’s hand and Spade exits.]

Norm MacDonald: Serial killer Jeffrey Dahmerwas attacked and killed by another inmate this week.[cheers and applause] Just before the fight, Dahmerthreatened, “Hey, don’t mess with me, pal. I used toeat guys like you for breakfast!” …[applause]

And a, uh, a priest – a priest says that he got Dahmerto believe in God before he died. Asked if this wouldget Dahmer into Heaven, the priest said, uh, “No, butit was fun to make him think so.” …

And now, here with a commentary on the death ofJeffrey Dahmer, from the American Civil LibertiesUnion, Naomi Green. Naomi.

[Cheers and applause as we pan over to humorless butpassionate civil rights advocate Naomi Green.]

Naomi Green: Thank you, Norm. Each week, inprisons around the country, serial killers are thevictims of vicious taunting, physical abuse, and evenmurder. Last week’s tragic death of Jeffrey Dahmer isonly the latest grim statistic. How many more JeffreyDahmers have to die … before we as a nation say,”Enough!” and start to commit the resources necessaryto protect these, our most vulnerable prison inmates?… Otherwise, are we to become a nation where all menare created equal except for serial killers?… And endowed with unalienable rights exceptfor cannibals? … And entitled to equal protectionunder the law except for necrophiliacs?! … Ihope not! In the days following Jeffrey Dahmer’sdeath, I’m sure we all asked ourselves the samequestion: why him? God, why Jeffrey Dahmer?!Should I have been there? Could I have done something?… But, as hard as it is to accept, the fact remains,nothing we can do now will bring Jeffrey Dahmer back.Though, maybe, if we learn from this tragedy, somegood can come of it. And, Jeffrey, if you’re out therewatching–

Norm MacDonald: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Naomi,I mean, wait a minute here. Let’s remember, I mean,this Dahmer guy, you know, he wasn’t a saint.

Naomi Green: Oh, really, Norm? You, as thearbiter of taste, the man who knows what good is, whois a better person than Jeffrey Dahmer?

Norm MacDonald: I don’t know, uh – John Elway….

Naomi Green: Is he, Norm? Is he?

Norm MacDonald: Look, no offense there, lady,but you’re really giving me the creeps, you know?…

Naomi Green: Am I, Norm? Am I?

Norm MacDonald: Yeah. Get out o’ here. NaomiGreen, ladies and gentleman. [Cheers and applause aswe cut back to Norm who tries to read the next newsitem only to be interrupted by a man’s hand reachinginto view to give Norm a news bulletin:]

And, in foreign news today, there’s, ah – oh – ah -This just in, ah – [reads the bulletin aloud] Denverpolice report that Broncos quarterback John Elway …has been taken into custody in connection with thedisappearances of more then a dozen local teenagers…. Well, I guess I owe Miss Green an apology.

[Cut wide to reveal Naomi Green still sitting besideNorm:]

Naomi Green: [arms folded] Do you, Norm? Doyou? …

Norm MacDonald: Get out o’ here, would ya?!Geez! [Cheers and applause as a smug Naomi Greenfinally exits – Norm mutters to himself before jumpinginto the next news item:]

Yippee! Jerry Rubin died last week! … Oh, I’m sorrythat should read, uh, “Yippie Jerry Rubin died lastweek.” … Sorry about that. I’m sorry. My mistakecompletely. Just – I didn’t read it right. …

And now, it’s time for Weekend Update’s movie reviews.This week, I saw “Interview with the Vampire.” Andhere’s – here’s my review, um: “Not gayenough!” … [some applause]

Last week, Queen Elizabeth won ten pounds in hercountry’s national lottery. However, she has no plansto quit her job as Queen of England. … Yeah,I knew. I knew. I knew. I knew. I knew. You think Ididn’t know? …

A Brooklyn man crossing an expressway on Monday washit by at least ten cars. According to police, theman’s body was spread over a two block area. Policealso reported that various organs were flattened onthe road and that his spine had been ripped out of historso. The man is currently resting in stablecondition at St. Mary’s Hospital. …

The new ad campaign for Duracell batteries is alreadyhaving a dramatic effect. Over seventy percent ofconsumers say they now find the batteries, quote,”creepy and disturbing.” … [scatteredapplause]

Norm MacDonald: Tonight is the seventh night ofChanukah and here, to sing a Chanukah song, is – AdamSandler! [Cheers and applause as we pan over to AdamSandler and his trusty guitar]

Adam Sandler: [chuckles at Norm’s introductionand tells him:] That was cool! [to crowd] Thank you,thank you, thank you, thanks, thanks very much. Um,well, uh, w-when I was a kid, ah, th-th-th-this timeof year always – always made me feel a little left outbecause, uh, in school, there were so many Christmassongs, and all us Jewish kids had was the song”Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel” and, uh … so, uh, Iwrote a brand new Chanukah song for you Jewish kids tosing and I hope you like it!

[plays guitar and sings]
Put on your yarmulke,
Here comes Chanukah!
So much fun-ukah
To celebrate Chanukah!

Chanukah is
The festival of lights;
Instead of one day of presents,
We have eight crazy nights!
But when you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree,
Here’s a list of people who are Jewish –
Just like you and me! …

David Lee Roth
Lights the menorah.
So do Kirk Douglas, James Caan,
And the late Dinah Shore-a!
Guess who eats together
At the Carnegie Deli?
Bowser from “Sha Na Na”
And Arthur Fonzarelli! …
Paul Newman’s half Jewish
And Goldie Hawn’s half, too;
Put them together –
What a fine-looking Jew! …

[Cheers and applause, Sandler has to pause beforecontinuing:]

You – You don’t need “Deck the Halls”
Or “Jingle Bell Rock”
‘Cause you can spin a dreidel
With Captain Kirk and Mister Spock
(Both Jewish!)

Put on your yarmulke,
Here comes Chanukah.
The owner of the Seattle Supersonic-a
Celebrates Chanukah.

O. J. Simpson —-
Not a Jew! …
But guess who is?
Hall of Famer Rod Carew!
(He – he converted. Ahem.)
We got Ann Landers
And her sister, Dear Abby;
Harrison Ford’s a quarter Jewish –
Not too shabby! …
Some people think
That Ebeneezer Scrooge is.
Well, he’s not, but guess who is?
All three Stooges! …

[More cheers and applause, Sandler says, “Oh,boy.”]

So – ho –
So many Jews are in
Show biz.
Tom Cruise isn’t
But I think his agent is! …

Tell your friend Veronica
It’s time to celebrate Chanukah;
I hope I get a harmonica
On this lovely, lovely Chanukah;
So drink your gin and tonic-a
But don’t smoke marijuana-kah;
If you really, really wanna-kah,
Have a happy, happy, happy, happyChanukah!

[Tremendous cheers and applause that continues to theend of the news]

Happy Chanukah, everybody! Thank you. [waves as wepull back to include Norm]

Norm MacDonald: Adam Sandler, everybody!Yeah!

Adam Sandler: Thank you. [points to Norm]Norm!

Norm MacDonald: [impressed, either with Sandleror all the applause he’s generated] Oh, my God.[Sandler shakes his head and waves again] The GreatSandu! [straightens his disorganized sheaf ofpapers]

Adam Sandler: Oh, my!

Norm MacDonald: [points to Sandler] He’s a -he’s a fine-lookin’ Jew!

Adam Sandler: Right on!

Norm MacDonald: [waves] That’s all the news!Good night and good luck!

[Music. Sandler waves. Norm shakes hands with Sandlerand says something complimentary to him, then removesthe microphone from his necktie as we fadeout.]

Submitted Anonymously

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