Hugh Stockton…..Kevin Nealon
Tom Manley…..Chris Farley
Karen Shelton…..Roseanne
John Leland…..Chris Elliot

Announcer: A message from the people at USAir.

Hugh Stockton: Hello, I’m Hugh Stockton, President of USAir. As you may have heard, USAir has suffered several crashes in the past few months. Since then, we’ve taken solid steps to reaffirm our dedication to flight safety. We call it the USAir four-Point Safety Guarantee.

Point 1: We won’t try to fly planes that are missing parts.

Point 2: No more skimping on fuel. From now on, we’ll measure the fuel, to eliminate the guess factor.

Point 3: Only qualified pilots, with real qualifications. No more imposters!

And, Point 4: Free McDonald’s Happy Meals for kids under 12. That’s a Hamburger or McNuggets, fries, a medium drink, and a surprise toy insid.

As you can see, our flight safety is really.. “taking off”. Just last weekend alone, every one of our flights landed safely. and we’re confident that next weekend.. we’ll make it two in a row. But don’t take my word for it. Let’s hear from some of our USAir’s 26,000 employees.

Tom Manley: Hi! I’m Tom Manley. And I’m a mechanic here at USAir. These planes don’t take off until I – or one of these guys – say so. And now that our contract’s been settled, you can be sure we’re working for USAir, and not against it.

Karen Shelton: Hi, I’m Karen Shelton. And, as a US-Air flight attendant, I don’t do much to help flight safety.. but, on the other hand.. I don’t do much to hurt flight safety, either. If I wanted to, like, sabotage a plane, I would have no idea how to do it, because I just don’t have the training! I guess, you could stick something in the air intakes to cut the fuel line or something, but I don’t know, I’m just talking!

John Leland: Hi. I’m John Leland, and I’m a USAir pilot. And I think I speak for practically all my colleagues when I say that I do not have a death wish. I have no strange compulsion to intentionally crash a plane. [ chuckles ] And, well, it’s a good thing, because God knows it would be easy! Easier than not crashing it, which, actually is very difficult. How can we be sure that no USAir pilot has a death wish? Well, we can’t. But, uh, if there were any who did.. they probably would have crashed their planes by now! So.. [ chuckles ] think about that!

Hugh Stockton: Still worried about flying USAir? Look at it this way – the other airlines crash their share, too, believe me. Let’s face it.. air travel is just.. very, very dangerous. But, if you’re gonna take the risk, it might as well be with us. Because, at USAir, we learn something from every crash. That’s a guarantee.

Jingle: “We learn something from every crash!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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