Multiple Personalities
Psychoanalyst…..Norm MacDonald
Roseanne…..Roseanne
[ open on Roseanne sitting in session with Psychoanalyst ]
Psychoanalyst: Alright, Roseanne, let’s work, uh, some more on your multiple personality disorder. At our lkast session, we exploited several of your multiple personalities, and I think we made some real headway. Now, I want you to just close your eyes and just relax. [ Roseanne closes her eyes ] Are you relaxed?
Roseanne: Yes, Doctor.
Psychoanalyst: Alright. Who would like to talk first?
[ Roseanne drifts into her first personality ]Roseanne: Hello, Doctor.
Psychoanalyst: [ somewhat bored by the proceedings ] Hello. Who am I speaking to now?
Roseanne: My name is Leesha. And I love to have sex!
Psychoanalyst: [ curiosity now suddenly piqued ] Ohhh..
Roseanne: I’m kind of a whore.
Psychoanalyst: Okay, Leesha.. why don’t you tell me about yourself?
Roseanne: Well, sex liberates me, Doctor! I’ll have sex with anyone at any time! And I love to talk about sex all the time, too! I love oral sex – is that wrong, doctor?
Psychoanalyst: Well, do you feel that it’s wrong?
Roseanne: No! I love sex. Especially giving oral sex! Would you like me to tell you a story about how much I love to give oral sex?
Psychoanalyst: Well.. if you’d like.
Roseanne: Hi, I’m.. Mandy! I’m six years old!
Psychoanalyst: [ startled ] Hey, hey, hey! What happened to that last woman?!
Roseanne: Tomorrow’s my birthday!
Psychoanalyst: Oh, your birthday, huh? You don’t say.. well..
Roseanne: I want a pony!
Psychoanalyst: Well, I.. I don’t know how practical that would be here in the city.. listen – uh, is that last woman around? I, uh, I think her name is.. Linda.. or something..
Roseanne: [ speaking as herself ] Mary wants to talk to you?
Psychoanalyst: Who?!
Roseanne: Mary! The lady who works in a library!
Psychoanalyst: Oh, yeah, Mary, she’s that – do I have to talk to her, I hate her.
Roseanne: [ drifts into the next personality ] Hello, Doctor.
Psychoanalyst: Oh, Mary! Hey, good to see you there, how are things at the library..?
Roseanne: Oh, I love irt at the library, everything is so orderly and quiet at the library.
Psychoanalyst: Oh, yeah, yeah.. it’s nice with the. the books there. Listen, uh, Mary, uh.. let me talk to the whore! Is she around?
Roseanne: Who?
Psychoanalyst: The whore! I think her name was.. “Leek”.. or.. “Leesi”, or something.. one of them weird names..
Roseanne: [ quickly drifts into another personality ] Hello, Doctor! I don’t think we’ve met before, my name is Brenda!
Psychoanalyst: [ now completely bored ] Oh.. hello there, Brenda..
Roseanne: I wanna kill someone!
Psychoanalyst: Oh, really..? Well, isn’t that something, huh..?
Roseanne: I want to kill Leesha!
Psychoanalyst: Well, she’d better be careful, then.. hey, hey, wait a minute! LEESHA!! That’s the WHORE!! No! you can’t kill her!
Roseanne: Why shouldn’t I?! You said she’s a whore yourself! She’s nothing but a dirty whore!
Psychoanalyst: Yeah, yeah.. but it’s not her fault, you know? It’s.. it’s society!
Roseanne: I have so much rage inside of me, I must kill someone!
Psychoanalyst: Whoa, whoa, whoa now, Brenda.. rage is something that, uh.. you have to learn to deal with, you know? [ thinking ] Hey, I’ll tell you what – why don’t you go kill that librarian! And, while you’re doing that, I’ll have a chat with our friend the whore! Try to talk some sense into her!
Roseanne: [ changes personalities once more ] Hello, Doctorrr. How have you been? It’s Margaret.
Psychoanalyst: [ ready to crawl out of his skin ] Oh, Margaret.. oh yeah, yeah.. aren’t you that old lady that’s afraid of birds, or something..?
Roseanne: Well, not all birds.. just the sparrows. I’m so afraid that they’ll try to pick my eyes out! Why am I so afraid of the sparrows..?
Psychoanalyst: [ trying to speed things along ] Well, uh, you know, at your age, you gotta be careful there.. you know, them sparrows could be pretty, uh.. Listen, Margaret, uh.. put on the whore!
Roseanne: [ changes personalities ] It’s Brenda! I just killed the whore!
Psychoanalyst: [ outraged ] You what?! You killed the what?!
Roseanne: Yeah! I killed the whore! And I feel so much stronger now!
Psychoanalyst: Well, that’s just great! I can’t believe this! I’m so angry right now! You killed the interesting personality you had in the bunch! You’re some piece of work, lady! It’s ridiculous! Ridiculous! Alright, snap out of it there, Sally! Betty! Whatever the hell your name is! Session’s over! You’re done!
Roseanne: [ coming out of it ] Oh.. well.. I feel a lot better. How did it go?
Psychoanalyst: [ feeling deflated ] Oh, it went great! Hey! I’ll tell you what – we’ll see you next week, we’ll have some great conversations about, uh.. libraries and birds!
[ fade ]