Celebrity Memorial Auction


Celebrity Memorial Auction

Mike…..Alec Baldwin
Dennis…..Chris Elliot
Bidder #1…..Mike Myers
Bidder #2…..Ellen Cleghorne
Bidder #3…..Kevin Nealon
Bidder #4…..Janene Garafalo
…..Christian Slater

[ open on Mike and Dennis standing at the podium presenting items from their celebrity auction ]

Mike: Welcome, everyone, to our Celebrity Memorial Auction. We’ve got some remarkable items on the block today, so let’s get right to it. First up.. Lot 1-B: Anthony Hopkins’ Oscar award. [ holds up the Award ]

Dennis: That’s right, Mike. This is a, uh.. 1991 – this is the one he won for, uh.. for “Silence of the Lambs”. How ’bout that? Something, huh? Now.. we recently acquired this when Mr. Hopkins died. So..

Bidder #1: Uh.. excuse me. Yeah. Anthony Hopkins isn’t dead.

Dennis: Uh, right.. well, actually.. he, uh.. he gave up the Oscar because he needed the money.

Bidder #2: Uhhh.. isn’t Anthony Hopkins, like, a millionaire?

Mike: Uh.. no. The bidding will start at $5,000! Do I hear $5,000?

Bidder #3: $5,000.

Mike: $5,000. I see $6,000?

Bidder #2: $6,000.

Mike: $6,000.

Bidder #4: $7,000.

Mike: Do I see 8?! No? [ a beat ] Going once.. twice.. Sold! For $7,000!

Dennis: That’s for you.

Mike: Next up.. Lot 2-B.

Dennis: Oh, yes! Now, this-

Mike: A big handful of Meryl Streep’s jewelry!

Dennis: Oh, now, this is a beautiful collection there, Mike. We’ve got, uh.. everything here. We’ve got earrings.. we’ve got pearl necklaces.. we’ve got, uh.. some silverish things here – I don’t know, I guess they’re bracelets.

Mike: This collection was very important to Meryl. She kept it hidden in a steel safe, which was built into the wall of her bedroom. The only way you could reach the safe.. was by sawing through the wall and ripping out a section of it.

Dennis: Yeah.. really tough.

Bidder #4: Um.. pardon me. Um.. why do you gentlemen have this.. stuff?

Mike: Uh.. we got it when Meryl Streep died.

Bidder #3: But Meryl Streep is not dead.

Dennis: [ quickly ] She needed the money.

Mike: Okay! Do I hear $10,000?

Bidder #3: $10,000.

Mike: Uh, do I hear-

Bidder #1: $12,000!

Mike: $12,000! Anyone for $13,000? [ no more bids ] Going once.. going twice.. sold for $12,000! Here, uh.. let me, uh.. wrap that up for you, sir.. [ puts it behind the podium instead ] Ah.. we’ll get to that later. Okay, folks.. let’s take a moment to preview some of the items that will be auctioned during our afternoon selection. Lot 4-C: Sylvester Stallone’s TV and stereo.

Dennis: That’s right. Now, this is a beauty, ladies and gentleman. The TV is a 25-incher.. the stereo has a programmable CD in it – and, look what I found today, Mike! [ opens stereo, pulls out a CD ] It’s got the new Eric Clapton CD in it! [ laughs ] Yeah, I didn’t know it had that in it! That’s something else! You’ll love it!

Mike: And, also, of course.. Lot 6-C: unopened mail addressed to Tom Selleck.

Dennis: Yeah. Now, that’s, uh.. that’s something your friends don’t have. Yeah, that’s somthing else.

Mike: Alrighty. Next up on the block is Lot 3-B: Robert Redford’s wallet and credit cards!

Dennis: That’s right. Now, this is one of my favorites. This is, uh.. hmm.. beautiful leather. And uh.. the credit cards in here, Mr. Rdford used extensively while he was filming the feature film, uh.. “Quiz Show”. Uh.. I don’t know if any of you are familiar with that. And, please notice inside that there is a $50 bill.

Mike: So, the bidding will start at uh.. $50. Do I hear $50?

Bidder #4: $50.

Bidder #3: $75!

Bidder #1: Hey, uh.. yeah.. excuse me? Those credit cards are cancelled, right?

Mike: Uh.. I don’t believe so.. Dennis?

Dennis: Well, as of yesterday evening, they were still active!

Bidder #1: $300!

Bidder #4: Uh.. mmm.. $400.

Mike: Do I hear five? [ no more bids ] $400 once.. $400 twice.. sold, for $400!

Bidder #4: Excuse me – do you have any other celebrity wallets? Because I’d be willing to pay for a Robert De Niro.

Mike: Uhh.. I think we can do that.. Dennis?

Dennis: Ah, that shouldn’t be a problem. You come back and see me next week.

Mike: You know whose wallet is very easy to get, is Jimmy Stewart.

Dennis: Yes!

Mike: Oh. Speaking of, uh.. next week, I should mention a couple of very items we’ll be auctioning off next Thursday. There’s Lot 3-F, right here: photographs of Sigourney Weaver sleeping. [ holds up the photos ] And, uh.. here’s one of Sigourney Weaver looking very frightened and angry.

Dennis: [ looking ] Oh, yes.. ouch!

Mike: Not to mention, Lot 5-F: a blackjack once used to knock Gene Hackman unconcious. [ holds up the blackjack ]

Bidder #2: Ah.. uh.. what movie was that in?

Mike: I’m, uh.. “The Robbery”. Uh.. now, we have Lot 4-B: a grab bag of Christian Slater’s possessions. [ holds up the grab bag ]

Bidder #3: What’s in the grab bag?

Dennis: Alrighty.. let’s just take a see here.. [ spills thr contents from the grab bag ] Ah, look at that – we’ve got soem nice pewter candlesticks here.. there’s a watch.. we got a clock radio over here.. and, look at this, there’s an autographed picture to Christian from William Shatner, that says, “Warp Speed Ahead – your good friend, William Shatner.” That’s something! There you go!

[ cut to Christina Slater sitting in the crowd, the studio audience going crazy with applause ]

Christian Slater: Uh.. excuse me. How exactly did you guys get that stuff?

Mike: [ suddenly nervous ] Uh, hey.. I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do.. I’m gonna set that aside just for you, sir.. okay? No charge.

Dennis: That’s over here.

Mike: Uh.. now we come to our final lot of the morning – Lot 5-B: Grace Kelly’s burial dress.

Dennis: [ holding up the stained white dress ] There you go. Now, this was the actual dress that she was buried in. It’s very rare. Very nice, very rare.

Christian Slater: [ elated ] Aw, man, I gotta have that! $40,000!

Bidder #1: $50,000! $50,000!

Christian Slater: $100,000!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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