Bride-To-Be…..Janene Garafalo
Maid Of Honor…..Laura Kightlinger
Friend…..Ellen Cleghorne
Male Dancer…..Chris Elliot
Lawyer…..Alec Baldwin
Judge…..Michael McKean
Groom…..Jay Mohr

[ open on a group of women surrounding the Bride-To-Be at the bridal shower. The Bride-To-Be, sitting between her tow best friends, open up a gift that’s revealed to be skimpy lingerie ]

Bride-To-Be: Aw, you guys!

Friend: Hoooo! Sexyyyy!

Bride-To-Be: [ elated ] This will come in handy on my wedding night!

Maid Of Honor: Oh, sure!

Bride-To-Be: Thank you! Thanks a lot! You guys are great!

Maid Of Honor: Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.. the night’s not over.

Bride-To-Be: [ excited by the prospect of what she hopes is coming ] What did you do?

Maid Of Honor: [ smirking ] Mmm-hmm! First of all – tomorrow, you know, you’re a married woman. But, tonight, as far as I’m concerned, you’re still.. single!

Bride-To-Be: [ laughing ] What did you guys do!

Maid Of Honor: Alright.. ladies, shall we? Let’s do it!

Friend: Wait, I gotta get the camera!

Bride-To-Be: What, what..?

Friend: [ now filming every second of the non-stop action ] Ready?

Maid Of Honor: Ready!

[ a giant cake is wheeled into the room. As The Rolling Stones’ “Start Me Up” begins to blare through the room, a male exotic dancer, balding in a hairy sort of unappealing way, pops out from the middle of the cake. ] [ the Male Dancer begins to strut his stuff in front of the Bride-To-Be ]

Male Dancer: This is for you! Here we go! Now we’re doing it! [ begins to shake his bootie in front of the Bride-To-Be ]

Bride-To-Be: [ disgusted ] Uggghh!!

[ Make Dancer grabs a tower and grinds it across his crotch, then holds the towel to the Bride-To-Be’s face, disgusting her ]

Bride-To-Be: Euuggghh!!

Male Dancer: [ licks his fingers in what’s supposed to be a sexy move ] Oh! It’s getting hot in here. Well, let’s cool things off.. shall we..? [ he grabs a water bottle and pours the water all over his body, then collapses onto the Bride-To-Be on the couch ] Ohh.. sorry.

[ the music picks up, a faster piano beat. Male Dancer dances frantically on the floor, before squeezing next to the Bride-To-Be and the Maid of Honor sitting on the couh, and he proceeds to lick his hands in front of them ]

Bride-To-Be: Oh, that’s gross!

[ Male Dancer removes his shirt, revealing hairy patches all over his stomach and back ]

Male Dancer: Ohhh.. I’m so sorry..!

[ the music shifts to the “Alley Cat Song”, as Male Dancer begins to do a slow tap on the carpet ] [ dissolve to footage of the Bridale Shower, as seen from the videotape being presented in a court of law ] [ pull back to show Lawyer standing beside the TV playing this testimony, as he turns the TV off ]

Lawyer: So, Your Honor, I think the video speaks for itself. [ stands behind the Bride-To-Be and her Groom ] And not only has my client had horrible nigtmares, but on her honeymoon.. she was unable to have intercourse with her husband.. because she could not get the image of THAT MAN!! [ points to the Male Dancer ] ..out of her head!

[ cut to Male Dancer in the Witness Box with a big grin on his face ]

Judge: In all my years on the bench, I’ve never seen anything so disturbing and frightening! Judgment for the Plaintiff – in the sum of $2 million! [ slams gavel ]

Male Dancer: Oh! Thank you, Your Honor! [ blows a kiss to the judge, then looks back at the camera with a wide grin ] [ cue music: “Mr. Bojangles”, The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band ] [ dissolve to flashback-dream image of the Male Dancer doing his gyrations at the bridal shower ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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