A Statement By Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders


A Statement By Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders

Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders…..Ellen Cleghorne

[ open on exterior shot, United Nations Building, with accompanying SUPER:

“Dr. Joycelyn Elders
Surgeon General

Statement On Dismissal

Washington, D.C.” ]

Announcer: Next on C-Span: a statement by Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders. President Clinton dismissed Dr. Elders yesterday, after she advocated teaching masturbation in public schools.

[ dissolve to interior press room, as Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders stands before the podium ]

Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders: [ clears her throat ] First of all.. I want to thank the President.. for the opportunity I have hi-ad over the li-ast two years.. to serve the people of the United Sti-ates.. particularly, the children. And even though I will be leaving this post, I will continue to fight for the children.. and for their bi-asic, medical and sexual needs. As I have sa-aid, time and time again.. if masturbation is not taught in the home, then it must be taught in the schools! Every year.. many of our young people.. graduate from high school complete unable to masturbate! And of those who can, most are able to do so only at a fifth-grade level! And.. how many of our children must die.. in masturbation-related accidents? Because they have not been taught the proper techniques of self-gratification? This.. is a national shame!

Now.. what I am proposing.. will not cost a lot of money – pornographic films, X-rated videos, dirty magazines.. The resources and infrastructure are in pli-ace! As my last act as Surgeon General.. I have sent out two hundred and fifty million copies of this instruction pamphlet in English and Spanish.. [ holds up the pamphlet ] ..entitled “How To Masturbate”. It does not take long to read: Step 1, Step 2; then Repeat. I am not proposing that masturbation be mandatory! Wait, yes I am! In the sense that every child will have to do it. Now, how will this new policy be implemented? Some have propsed a moment of silence.. at the beginning of the school day. Those who choose to observe during the moment of silence, may observe any religion they wish, as long as they simultaneously masturbate!

[ a giant hook is stretched out behind Elders, ready to pull her away from the podium in an effort to cut her speech short ]

Now.. I would like to emphasize.. that I do not speak for the President.

[ the hook is retreated from Elders’ back, the cause for alarm no longer imminent ]

Although, on this issue, I have been assured, privately, that we are in total agreement.. [ the hook returns and pulls Elders away from the podium, as she struggles for freedom ] ..as is the First Lady, the Vice-President, the Speaker of the House.. [ pulled away once and for all ] ..Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight!!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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