L.A. Breast & Penis


L.A. Breast & Penis

Dr. Mark…..Alec Baldwin
Dr. Ted…..Chris Elliot
Nurse Sheila…..Janene Garafalo
Dr. Doug…..Kevin Nealon
Mr. Stone…..Michael McKean
Wife…..Ellen Cleghorne
Grandson…..Chris Farley
Mr. Fletcher…..Mike Myers
Mrs. Fletcher…..Laura Kightlinger

[ open on Doctors Mark and Ted and Nurse Sheila sourrounding a patient as they perform surgery ]

Announcer: Last week on “L.A. Breast & Penis”..

Nurse Sheila: Doctor, we’re losing him!

Dr. Mark: [ stern ] Bigger!

Dr. Ted: For the love of God, Mark! Those breasts are big enough!

Dr. Mark: I said bigger! Forty more cc’s of saline!

Dr. Ted: Damn it, Mark! you’re playing God!

Dr. Mark: When it comes to these women’s breasts, Ted.. I am God!

Dr. Ted: Mark, you arrogant bastard! I’m gonna have you in front of the Review Board!

Dr. Mark: You do that, Ted.. but don’t forget that seven out of the eight penises on that Board were enlarged by these hands.

[ the scene freezes ]

Announcer: This week, on “L.A. Breast & Penis”..

[ dissolve to scene in employee lounge ]

Nurse Sheila: Phew.. a little slow tonight – just a few nipple lifts.

Dr. Doug: Yeah.. that’s okay with me. I haven’t slept in three days.

[ Dr. Mark enters the employee lounge ]

Dr. Mark: Hey, Doc, how was your 8:30 penis? How did it go?

Dr. Doug: Well, it was a piece of cake. No surprises.

[ the phone rings ]

Dr. Mark: [ answers the phone ] Breast & Penis, Dr. Caldicott speaking.. What? My God! We’ll be ready! [ hangs up the phone ] Assemble al the surgical teams! There’s been a train wreck.. and they’re bringing us the survivors.

Nurse Sheila: Why us? We’re not a regular hospital.

Dr. Mark: Because we’re the closest facility, and every second counts! Let’s move it!

[ dissolve to the beginning of a long hallway, as Doctors Mark, Ted and Doug, Nurse Sheila, and countless other hospital personnel enter the hall pushing a patient on a stretcher. Throughout the credits, they re-enter the long stretch of hallway two more times, the hall seeming to be one neverending vestibule. ] [ title card: “L.A. Breast & Penis”, flashing ] [ SUPER: “Starring Josh Highhorn as Dr. Mark Caldicott” ] [ SUPER: “Flippo Wood as Dr. Ted Hatcher” ] [ SUPER: “Amber-Kelly Gable as Nurse Sheila Ten Bears” ] [ SUPER: “And Hector Elizondo as Dr. Hector Belizondo” ] [ Doctors Mark and Ted stop the entourage for a couple of seconds, as they argue about which directon down the hall they’re supposed to run, then continue the same way they were going ] [ SUPER: “Created by David E. Kelley” ] [ Dr. Mark enters the waiting room to greet Mr. Stone ]

Dr. Mark: Mr. Stone?

Mr. Stone: [ jumps up ] Yes, Doctor! My wife was in the train wreck, how is she?

Dr. Mark: Well.. I’m afraid she’s blind. I wish we could have done more, but I don’t know anything about eye surgery.. except for, you know, lid lifts and such.

Mr. Stone: [ weeping ] Oh, my God.. Janet!

Dr. Mark: I know it’s a small consolation, and nothing could ver make up for the gift of sight, but we were able to enlarge her breasts by twice their size.

Mr. Stone: [ tearful of the circumstances ] Doctor, can I see her?

Dr. Mark: Yes. But please remember that her nipples are still very sensitive.

Mr. Stone: No, I.. I just want to talk to her.

Dr. Mark: Oh. Alright. This way.

[ Dr. Ted exits into the waiting room to greet his pantient’s wife ]

Dr. Ted: Phew! That was a tough one!

Wife: Doctor.. is my husband gonna be alright??

Dr. Ted: [ with a smirk ] I think you’re gonna be very pleased!

Wife: So he’s breathing?!

Dr. Ted: Breathing? Well, I.. I couldn’t tell you anything about that.. but, uh.. he is hung like a stallion.

Wife: Oh..! Doctor..!

Dr. Ted: No no, that’s fine.. the look on your face is all the thanks I need. It’s.. it’s what I do. I make penises bigger. Come on – let’s take a look at him. Come on.

[ they exit back into the E.R. ] [ Nurse Sheila wheels Grandma into the waiting room ]

Nurse Sheila: Here we go, Mrs. Campbell!

Grandson: [ excited ] Grandma! You’re okay!

Nurse Sheila: Now, remember – your nipples are gonna be very sensitive for a few days.

Grandma: [ breathy and chipper ] Thank you!

[ Grandson wheels his Grandma out the hospital ] [ Dr. Mark steps into the waiting room to greet an older, worried couple – the Fletchers ]

Dr. Mark: Mr. & Mrs. Fletcher!

Mr. Fletcher: Doctor! how’s our son?

Dr. Ted: Well, you know.. when he came in, he was in pretty bad shape. But.. the only thing we could do is give him a complete sex change.

Dr. Mark: Yah, we lost the penis completely.. but we gave him a pair of lovely, enormous breasts.

Dr. Ted: Yes! He’s now the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.

Mr. Fletcher: He didn’t want a sex change!! He’s married, with three kids!!

Dr. Mark: Ohh.. geez.

Dr. Ted: Well.. [ chuckles ] ..then I guess he’s gonna want this. [ hands the Fletchers a paper bag ] [ Mr. Fletcher takes the bag, as he and Mrs. Fletcher peek inside ]

Mrs. Fletcher: Ohh!!

[ Doctors Mark and Ted walk back into the E.R. ]

Dr. Mark: Doctor.. you did some pretty good work in there.

Dr. Ted: Oh, you too, Doctor.

Dr. Mark: Hey – I’m buying.

Dr. Ted: Okay.

[ they disappear down the hall ] [ SUPER: “Executive Producer David E. Kelly (Michelle Pfeiffer’s Husband)” ]

Announcer: Next week, on “L.A. Breast & Penis”..

[ dissolve to Doctors Mark and Ted and Nurse Sheila sourrounding a patient as they perform surgery ]

Dr. Ted: My God, Mark! What have you done?! That’s the largest penis I’ve ever seen!

Dr. Mark: Exactly! This is my masterpiece!

Nurse Sheila: Good lord, he’s only ten years old!

[ scene freezes, as title card appears ]

Announcer: Next week, on “L.A. Breast & Penis”.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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