L.A. Breast & Penis


L.A. Breast & Penis

Dr. Mark…..Alec Baldwin
Dr. Ted…..Chris Elliot
Nurse Sheila…..Janene Garafalo
Dr. Doug…..Kevin Nealon
Mr. Stone…..Michael McKean
Wife…..Ellen Cleghorne
Grandson…..Chris Farley
Mr. Fletcher…..Mike Myers
Mrs. Fletcher…..Laura Kightlinger


[ open on Doctors Mark and Ted and Nurse Sheila sourrounding a patient as they perform surgery ]

Announcer: Last week on “L.A. Breast & Penis”..

Nurse Sheila: Doctor, we’re losing him!

Dr. Mark: [ stern ] Bigger!

Dr. Ted: For the love of God, Mark! Those breasts are big enough!

Dr. Mark: I said bigger! Forty more cc’s of saline!

Dr. Ted: Damn it, Mark! you’re playing God!

Dr. Mark: When it comes to these women’s breasts, Ted.. I am God!

Dr. Ted: Mark, you arrogant bastard! I’m gonna have you in front of the Review Board!

Dr. Mark: You do that, Ted.. but don’t forget that seven out of the eight penises on that Board were enlarged by these hands.

[ the scene freezes ]

Announcer: This week, on “L.A. Breast & Penis”..

[ dissolve to scene in employee lounge ]

Nurse Sheila: Phew.. a little slow tonight – just a few nipple lifts.

Dr. Doug: Yeah.. that’s okay with me. I haven’t slept in three days.

[ Dr. Mark enters the employee lounge ]

Dr. Mark: Hey, Doc, how was your 8:30 penis? How did it go?

Dr. Doug: Well, it was a piece of cake. No surprises.

[ the phone rings ]

Dr. Mark: [ answers the phone ] Breast & Penis, Dr. Caldicott speaking.. What? My God! We’ll be ready! [ hangs up the phone ] Assemble al the surgical teams! There’s been a train wreck.. and they’re bringing us the survivors.

Nurse Sheila: Why us? We’re not a regular hospital.

Dr. Mark: Because we’re the closest facility, and every second counts! Let’s move it!

[ dissolve to the beginning of a long hallway, as Doctors Mark, Ted and Doug, Nurse Sheila, and countless other hospital personnel enter the hall pushing a patient on a stretcher. Throughout the credits, they re-enter the long stretch of hallway two more times, the hall seeming to be one neverending vestibule. ] [ title card: “L.A. Breast & Penis”, flashing ] [ SUPER: “Starring Josh Highhorn as Dr. Mark Caldicott” ] [ SUPER: “Flippo Wood as Dr. Ted Hatcher” ] [ SUPER: “Amber-Kelly Gable as Nurse Sheila Ten Bears” ] [ SUPER: “And Hector Elizondo as Dr. Hector Belizondo” ] [ Doctors Mark and Ted stop the entourage for a couple of seconds, as they argue about which directon down the hall they’re supposed to run, then continue the same way they were going ] [ SUPER: “Created by David E. Kelley” ] [ Dr. Mark enters the waiting room to greet Mr. Stone ]

Dr. Mark: Mr. Stone?

Mr. Stone: [ jumps up ] Yes, Doctor! My wife was in the train wreck, how is she?

Dr. Mark: Well.. I’m afraid she’s blind. I wish we could have done more, but I don’t know anything about eye surgery.. except for, you know, lid lifts and such.

Mr. Stone: [ weeping ] Oh, my God.. Janet!

Dr. Mark: I know it’s a small consolation, and nothing could ver make up for the gift of sight, but we were able to enlarge her breasts by twice their size.

Mr. Stone: [ tearful of the circumstances ] Doctor, can I see her?

Dr. Mark: Yes. But please remember that her nipples are still very sensitive.

Mr. Stone: No, I.. I just want to talk to her.

Dr. Mark: Oh. Alright. This way.

[ Dr. Ted exits into the waiting room to greet his pantient’s wife ]

Dr. Ted: Phew! That was a tough one!

Wife: Doctor.. is my husband gonna be alright??

Dr. Ted: [ with a smirk ] I think you’re gonna be very pleased!

Wife: So he’s breathing?!

Dr. Ted: Breathing? Well, I.. I couldn’t tell you anything about that.. but, uh.. he is hung like a stallion.

Wife: Oh..! Doctor..!

Dr. Ted: No no, that’s fine.. the look on your face is all the thanks I need. It’s.. it’s what I do. I make penises bigger. Come on – let’s take a look at him. Come on.

[ they exit back into the E.R. ] [ Nurse Sheila wheels Grandma into the waiting room ]

Nurse Sheila: Here we go, Mrs. Campbell!

Grandson: [ excited ] Grandma! You’re okay!

Nurse Sheila: Now, remember – your nipples are gonna be very sensitive for a few days.

Grandma: [ breathy and chipper ] Thank you!

[ Grandson wheels his Grandma out the hospital ] [ Dr. Mark steps into the waiting room to greet an older, worried couple – the Fletchers ]

Dr. Mark: Mr. & Mrs. Fletcher!

Mr. Fletcher: Doctor! how’s our son?

Dr. Ted: Well, you know.. when he came in, he was in pretty bad shape. But.. the only thing we could do is give him a complete sex change.

Dr. Mark: Yah, we lost the penis completely.. but we gave him a pair of lovely, enormous breasts.

Dr. Ted: Yes! He’s now the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.

Mr. Fletcher: He didn’t want a sex change!! He’s married, with three kids!!

Dr. Mark: Ohh.. geez.

Dr. Ted: Well.. [ chuckles ] ..then I guess he’s gonna want this. [ hands the Fletchers a paper bag ] [ Mr. Fletcher takes the bag, as he and Mrs. Fletcher peek inside ]

Mrs. Fletcher: Ohh!!

[ Doctors Mark and Ted walk back into the E.R. ]

Dr. Mark: Doctor.. you did some pretty good work in there.

Dr. Ted: Oh, you too, Doctor.

Dr. Mark: Hey – I’m buying.

Dr. Ted: Okay.

[ they disappear down the hall ] [ SUPER: “Executive Producer David E. Kelly (Michelle Pfeiffer’s Husband)” ]

Announcer: Next week, on “L.A. Breast & Penis”..

[ dissolve to Doctors Mark and Ted and Nurse Sheila sourrounding a patient as they perform surgery ]

Dr. Ted: My God, Mark! What have you done?! That’s the largest penis I’ve ever seen!

Dr. Mark: Exactly! This is my masterpiece!

Nurse Sheila: Good lord, he’s only ten years old!

[ scene freezes, as title card appears ]

Announcer: Next week, on “L.A. Breast & Penis”.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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