Alec Baldwin’s Monologue
Alec Baldwin: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be back here in New York, hosting “Saturday Night Live” tonight. I join the prestigious Five-Timer’s Club! [ audience applauds wildly ] I just wanted to say it’s especially great, because, after my fourth time hosting, I wasn’t sure I’d be invited back.
You see.. on that show, I appeared in a sketch called “Canteen Boy Goes Camping”. [ audience applauds wildly, remembering the sketch fondly ] In this sketch, I played Mr. Armstrong, a scout master on a camping trip, who was attempting, ultimately without success, to seduce the Canteen Boy, a shy, somewhat unhip, assisant scout master, played by Adam Sandler. Now, even though the character of Canteen Boy is a grown man, a perfectly intelligent 27-year old – nbot a child – some people got the wrong idea, and, frankly, all hell broke loose. The NBC switchboard handled over 300,000 angry phone calls that night alone, and the netowrk lost 7 affiliates as a result of the sketch; Sinead O’Conner ripped up a picture of Canteen Boy to deafening cheers at London’s Wembley Stadium; and Soldier Of Fortune magazine reported a 25% drop in the sale of canteens.
Just when things looked the bleakest, suddenly something really wonderful began to happen. People who never seem to agree on anything, came together for the first time to denounce the Canteen Boy sketch. I, personally, received a letter inviting me to burn in Hell forever – signed jointly by Clarence Thomas and Anita Hill. Yoko Ono and Paul McCartney announced they would collaborate on an anti-Canteen Boy album. While North and South Korean issued a joint communicate, calling for Adam Sandler’s excecution.
Unable to ignore this positive energy engendered by the sketch, I decided to seize the momentum myself. I am proud to announce that Adam Sandler and I will be touring the country next year, visitng schools, churches and community centers, to foster healing and tolerance. Adam, you want to come up here for a second, please?
[ Adam Sandler steps out dressed as Canteen Boy, to thunderous applause ]
Now.. now, tonigt we would like to give you a preview of a play we will be performing as a part of our multimedia program “Out of the Tent & Proud: A Politically-Correct Version of Canteen Boy.” I will be playing the part of scout master Mr. Armstrong, and Adam will be playing.. the Canteen Boy. Okay, Adam?
Adam Sandler: I’m ready, Alec!
Alec Baldwin: [ as Scout Master ] “It’s good to see you again, consenting bisexual canteenperson.”
Adam Sandler: [ as Canteen Boy ] “Likewise.”
Alec Baldwin: [ as Scout Master ] “Would you mind if I stick my hand up the front of yor shirt?”
Adam Sandler: [ as Canteen Boy ] Yes, I would. But I appreciate your asking for my consent, Mr. Armstrong.”
Alec Baldwin: [ as Scout Master ] “You’re saying no, and I hear you loud and clear, Canteen Boy.”
Adam Sandler: [ as Canteen Boy ] “Whatever.”
Alec Baldwin: [ bows ] Thank you!
Adam Sandler: [ bows ] Thank you!
Alec Baldwin: This tour is cerainly not the solution to what ails this land, but it’s a start. Also, we have a great show for you tonight.
Adam Sandler: [ as Canteen Boy ] The Beastie Boys are here.
Alec Baldwin: So stick around! We’ll be right back!