Police Chief…..Alec Baldwin
Cop #1…..Adam Sandler
Cop #2…..David Spade
Pregnant Cop…..Janeane Garofalo
Voice on Walkie-Talkie…..Tom Davis
Red Skeffington…..Chris Elliott
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani…..Kevin Nealon
Newspaper Boy…..Chris Farley
[ open on “Rookie Cop” title card, then slow dissolve to a mysterious crime scene ]
Jerome: [ shaking his head ] Not good at all..[ the Police Chief and his Rookie step up to the scene, the vomit-hoses running up their pants legs clearly visible to even the casual viewer ]
Police Chief: Hey, what do we got here?
Jerome: Oh, it’s a messy one. It looks like a shotgun – up close.. close range.
Police Chief: Think you can handle the sight of blood, Rookie? Or you wanna go back to the car?
Rookie: I can handle it.
Police Chief: Alright.
Jerome: I gotta tell ya – it’s pretty gruesome. The worst I’ve seen in twenty years. [ pulls back the cloth, revealing the gruesome shotgun fatality ]
Police Chief: [ whistles ] [ overcome by the shock and grossness of the fatality, the Rookie holds his hands to his face and vomits all over the pavement ]
Police Chief: Hey, hey, hey! Pull yourself together, Rookie! Welcome to Homicide![ suddenly, Jerome lifts his hands to his face and packs a pile of vomit to the sidewalk as well ]
Police Chief: You, too, Jerome?
Jerome: No.. it’s him! Whenever I see somebody vomit, it makes me vomit![ a pair of Cops enter the scene ]
Cop #1: Well, well, well, well.. whatta we got here?
Cop #2: [ detects the scent of vomit in the air, laughs as the prop vomit begins to prematurely drip from the hose up his sleeve ] Oh, God..! Who puked?!
Rookie: I’m sorry, guys, I started it. I vomited when I saw the body.
Cop #1: [ confused ] Body? Wh-what body?
Rookie: This one right here. [ lifts the sheet, revealing the mutilated face ]
Cop #1: Oh, boy..
Cop #2: Oh, geez.. [ trying not to crack up ] [ once again, the vomit begins to spill from the hose prematurely, as Sandler and Spade quickly raise their hands to their faces to save the illusion of them vomiting all over the pavement ]
Police Chief: Hey! C’mon, c’mon.. pull yourselves together here! I want this area sealed off – I want you to go get some buckets. Double time! Go, go, go! [ the two cops run off the scene ] Hey, here comes the Coroner! [ the Coroner enters the scene ] How ya’ doing, Doc?
Coroner: Alright, whatta we got here, Tom?
Police Chief: Uhh.. gunshot, Doc. Pretty bad.
Yeah, well, I’ve seen a thousand of these. [ looks at the body ] Looks pretty normal to- [ suddenly raises his own hands and vomits all over the pavement ]
Police Chief: Gee, Doc, it’s that horrible, huh?
Coroner: Oh, no.. I had some bad tuna fish for lunch, I’ve been doing this all day! [ vomits again ] Ah, it looks pretty routine! [ exits the scene ] [ Cheryl, a pregnant cop, enters the scene ]
Pregnant Cop: Hey, guys, what’s up?
Police Chief: Cheryl, you better stay out of here – it’s pretty bloody!
Pregnant Cop: So?
Police Chief: So, you’re pregnant, you have the flu, and you’re a rookie! You’re bound to vomit!
Pregnant Cop: [ defensive ] Why don’t you just say what you’re really thinking – I’m a woman! Well, this woman cop can handle it! [ lifts the sheet to examine the body, dispensing more vomit onto the pavement ]
Rookie: Hold it in, Cheryl..
Police Chief: [ looks offscreen ] Hey, Commissioner! Over here! How ya doing, you okay?
Commissioner: Sorry, Tom, I’m a.. little nauseous. I was reading some reports in the car on the way over. I know that was a dumb thing to do, but- [ notices the body, raises his hands to his face and vomits ] [ Police Chief’s walkie-talkie begins to buzz ]
Voice on Walkie-Talkie: Tommy? Tommy! What’s going on there?
Police Chief: We got a shotgun victim. His face is half blown off![ sound effect of vomiting can be heard on the walkie-talkie, perhaps the most flawless vomit of the night ] [ cut to a Special Report, as the Reporter delivers the hot news item a few feet in front of the gruesome discovery ]
Reporter: Good evening. Police in Lower Manhatten made a gruesome discovery in an alley between Mulberry and Mott, where- [ lifts her hands to the face and vomits, unintentionally making the vomit squirt and spurt like from a garden hose ] [ cut to a Husband and Wife watching the report on the TV in their living room. As they watch the Reporter vomit, they too begin to vomit all over their living room ] [ camera pans left to the family’s stuffed pet dog, who begins to spit a steady streem of vomit out of his own unmoving mouth ] [ dissolve to Red Skeffington in a private meeting with Mayor Rudolph Guiliani, as they stand in front of a color map of New York City and its surrounding buroughs ]
Red Skeffington: Alright, Mr. Mayor.. you got puke over here.. you got puke here, here, and over there. It’s all over the city, and uh.. it’s about to cross the East River and go into Queens. A lot of voters in Queens, Mr. Mayor. Let me tell oyu something about voters – they don’t like taxes, and they don’t like puke!
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Dammit, Red, I know that! Can you help us, can you clean it up?
Red Skeffington: [ chuckles ] I can clean up your little vomit problem, Mr. Mayor! But it’s gonna cost ya!
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: [ miffed ] Where’s your sense of decency? Don’t you care what happens to this city, Red?
Red Skeffington: Hey! Red Skeffington cares about nobody but Red Skeffington!
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Fine.. fine..
Red Skeffington: Yeah.
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Alright, whattaya want?
Red Skeffington: Alright! I want ten million! I want five now, and five when the vomit’s gone!
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: [ giving in ] Alright..
Red Skeffington: Alright! That’s what I want to hear! Alright, I’m gonna need ten police helicopters.. I’m gonna need 100 tons of sawdut.. I’m gonna need about two dozen pushbrooms.. and about four thousand gallons of potpourri scents. I’m gonna drop the potpourri on the city, I’m gonna let it dry, and then I’m gonna vacuum.
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: [ skeptical ] Will that work?
Red Skeffington: Oh, it’ll work, Mr. Mayor.. it’ll work, don’t you worry.. [ looks on a table and spots a tray of delicious deviled eggs ] Hey! Deviled eggs! Oh boy, these are my favorite! Mmm.. [ picks up the plate and begins to eat the eggs one by one ] But these taste odd..
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: [ looks over, suddenly realizing what Red is doing ] Oh, no! Don’t eat those! Those are left over from the Mandela reception, back in 1992! They’re not good!
Red Skeffington: [ spits the deviled eggs from his mouth, and bends over with hopes of vomiting ] Agghh.. agghh.. agghh..! [ lifts his arms to his mouth, but no vomit spews from the hose ]
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: What’s the matter?
Red Skeffington: I got dry heaves.. [ suddenly, the hose pumps the vomit out at a fast rate ] Whoa, here it comes! [ vomits all over the floor ] [ with that, Mayor Guiliani begins to vomit as well, blowing his chunks all over Red’s backside ]
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: I’m sorry..[ dissolve to a spinning newspaper, as it rests on a headline providing news of the vomit flood, as well as news of Red Skeffington’s death from choking on his own vomit ] [ dissolve to Newspaper Boy cranking the wheel that makes the newspaper spin. With one look at the dizzying effect, he, too, loses control and vomits in every which direction, like a fountain out of control. ] [ show “Rookie Cop” title card, then dissolve back to the earlier crime scene ]
Police Chief: Hey, hey, hey! What’s wrong with you, Rookie?!
Rookie: I just peed my pants![ as expected, the Police Chief vomits all over the Rookie Cop, to fade ]