Family Road Trip
Dad…..Michael McKean
Mom…..Janene Garafalo
[ open on family taking a road trip to Grandma’s – Dad and Mom in the front, with an unseen number of children making various noises in the backseat ]
Dad: Hey.. hey! Quiet down back there, no roughhousing. I will stop this car!
Mom: Listen, kids.. we’re halfway to Grandma’s – only three more hours. Now, Travis, you keep your seatbelt buckled! Maryann, roll up the window, you’re letting the heat out!
Dad: What? Jason.. you just went! .. No! I’m not stopping! Just think about something else. [ an object is thrown at his head ] Alright – who threw that?! Put that down, you’ll get it back when you get to Grandma’s! Now settle down! I will stop this car! Don’t test me, I’ll pull over! [ grabs a weapon from the back seat ] Julia, give me that.
Mom: Oh..
Dad: We’ll discuss this later. Alright, let’s play a game, shall we? Who can be quiet the longest? Okay, ready? Go! [ the noises persist ] That’s it, you all lose.
Mom: Christie.. baby.. what is that? Spit it out. Give me that, is tha- Who gave the baby gum?! Ah, that’s disgusting! Ohhh.. next time, Grandma’s coming to our house.
Dad: Yeah, I hear ya.. I hear ya.. [ a hand yanks at his sweater ] Hey! Let go of my sweater! I’m driving here, let go! I will stop this car! Carl and Lisa, separate! Do you want me to stop this car?! [ blowtorch ] Turn off that assembling torch! Torch off! That is not a car toy! I mean it! Do not test me, young man!
Mom: I know.. let’s sing our Family Song. “When you’re down..”
Together: “..and troubled.. and you need a helping hand.. [ Mom reaches back to seize a bong from one of the kids ] ..and nothing, no nothing, is going right.”
[ blood ]
Mom: Ohhh!
Dad: Oh, geez! Would you.. stop! Put a tourniquet on your sister now! N-O-W – now! I’m.. I will pull over right here! I am not bluff- I am not bluffing! Do you understand? I am- [ points his finger at the kids, but it’s grabbed violently ] Please! That is my driving finger! Let go! I will stop this car!
[ suddenly, one of the kids is seen looking into the car from the other side of the windshield ]
Mom: Ohhhhh, Wesley!
Dad: Wesley, what are you doing?
Mom: Ohhhhh..
Dad: Wesley, get back in here this minute! I mean it! I will stop this car! I will- do you hear the tone in my voice?! I will stop this car!
Mom: Okay, that is why we keep our seatbelts fasten- [ shot ] Ow! Ow! Ow!
Dad: Oh, God.. alright, who shot your mother?! I won’t- I won’t be angry, I just want to know. Now, Mavis, give me the gun! Give me the gun, Mavis! Mavis, give me the gun!
[ car goes over the bridge, into the river ]
Dad: Alright, roll up the window, we don’t want a lot of water in here!
Mom: Roll it up!
Dad: Timmy, don’t put that fish in your mouth! Wesley! Get your butt in here now!
Mom: Get.. in.. the.. carrrr..!
Dad: N-O-W – I will stop this car!
[ pan back to reveal fake car prop in front of a green screen, as we fade ]
