Family Road Trip


Family Road Trip

Dad…..Michael McKean
Mom…..Janene Garafalo

[ open on family taking a road trip to Grandma’s – Dad and Mom in the front, with an unseen number of children making various noises in the backseat ]

Dad: Hey.. hey! Quiet down back there, no roughhousing. I will stop this car!

Mom: Listen, kids.. we’re halfway to Grandma’s – only three more hours. Now, Travis, you keep your seatbelt buckled! Maryann, roll up the window, you’re letting the heat out!

Dad: What? Jason.. you just went! .. No! I’m not stopping! Just think about something else. [ an object is thrown at his head ] Alright – who threw that?! Put that down, you’ll get it back when you get to Grandma’s! Now settle down! I will stop this car! Don’t test me, I’ll pull over! [ grabs a weapon from the back seat ] Julia, give me that.

Mom: Oh..

Dad: We’ll discuss this later. Alright, let’s play a game, shall we? Who can be quiet the longest? Okay, ready? Go! [ the noises persist ] That’s it, you all lose.

Mom: Christie.. baby.. what is that? Spit it out. Give me that, is tha- Who gave the baby gum?! Ah, that’s disgusting! Ohhh.. next time, Grandma’s coming to our house.

Dad: Yeah, I hear ya.. I hear ya.. [ a hand yanks at his sweater ] Hey! Let go of my sweater! I’m driving here, let go! I will stop this car! Carl and Lisa, separate! Do you want me to stop this car?! [ blowtorch ] Turn off that assembling torch! Torch off! That is not a car toy! I mean it! Do not test me, young man!

Mom: I know.. let’s sing our Family Song. “When you’re down..”

Together: “..and troubled.. and you need a helping hand.. [ Mom reaches back to seize a bong from one of the kids ] ..and nothing, no nothing, is going right.”

[ blood ]

Mom: Ohhh!

Dad: Oh, geez! Would you.. stop! Put a tourniquet on your sister now! N-O-W – now! I’m.. I will pull over right here! I am not bluff- I am not bluffing! Do you understand? I am- [ points his finger at the kids, but it’s grabbed violently ] Please! That is my driving finger! Let go! I will stop this car!

[ suddenly, one of the kids is seen looking into the car from the other side of the windshield ]

Mom: Ohhhhh, Wesley!

Dad: Wesley, what are you doing?

Mom: Ohhhhh..

Dad: Wesley, get back in here this minute! I mean it! I will stop this car! I will- do you hear the tone in my voice?! I will stop this car!

Mom: Okay, that is why we keep our seatbelts fasten- [ shot ] Ow! Ow! Ow!

Dad: Oh, God.. alright, who shot your mother?! I won’t- I won’t be angry, I just want to know. Now, Mavis, give me the gun! Give me the gun, Mavis! Mavis, give me the gun!

[ car goes over the bridge, into the river ]

Dad: Alright, roll up the window, we don’t want a lot of water in here!

Mom: Roll it up!

Dad: Timmy, don’t put that fish in your mouth! Wesley! Get your butt in here now!

Mom: Get.. in.. the.. carrrr..!

Dad: N-O-W – I will stop this car!

[ pan back to reveal fake car prop in front of a green screen, as we fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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