Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald


Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald


[Norm MacDonald, in suit and tie, sits at the WU desk,takes a pencil out of his jacket pocket, smiles atsomeone off camera, and removes the paper clip fromhis sheaf of papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE /NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thanks. I’m NormMacDonald and this is the fake news. …

PLO leader Yasser Arafat announced this week that hiswife is pregnant. The happy couple said they reallydon’t care if the child is a boy or girl, just as longas it hates Jews. …

The California Senate voted 38 to zero to name stateRoute 118, The Ronald Reagan Freeway. The 83-year-oldformer president joked, “People have tried to driveover me for years. This is the first time I willactually welcome it.” And then everybody enjoyed agood laugh, even though they had no idea what the hellhe was talkin’ about. …

Airline travelers’ complaints have risen 22 percentover the last year. The single most common complaintwas, “They lost my baggage,” followed closely by “Ididn’t like being in that fiery plane crash.”…

Well, more bad news for Governor-elect George Pataki.An audit reveals that, due to years of lax security,New York’s reservoirs are, quote: “Ninety percenturine.” … [one scream]

Well, you gotta hand it to Dan Quayle, huh, forfinally changing his image. You used to look at himand think: “potato spelled with an ‘e'” — now youlook at him and think: “blood clot.” …

[Image of postage stamp with photo of nuclear blast]The U.S. Postal Service this week canceled plans for astamp commemorating the bombing of Hiroshima. Theywill instead release a different stamp — here it is– [Another stamp depicting the famous 1968 photo ofSouth Vietnam’s national police commander putting agun to the head of a Vietcong prisoner on the streetsof Saigon, credited by many with helping to turn U.S.public opinion against the Vietnam War.] — that ah… Hopefully, it will — people will find it lessoffensive, that one. …

Jeffrey Dahmer’s relatives are reportedly fightingover what to do with his body. … Yeah, that’s right.[Some cheers and applause, someone yells, “Burn it!”]Yeah, well, some want to have sex with it, while therest want to put it in the fridge. So that’s, uh …[not many laughs] Should’ve stopped at the premisethat time.

[Image of the cover of Entertainment Weekly] The, uh,the cast of America’s hottest new show, ER, havelanded themselves on the cover of EntertainmentWeekly. They’re all there – the most popular bunch ofactors on TV. [Norm turns to the image] There’s thatguy and, uh, the other guy over there – there’s theblack guy there – and the frizzy haired lady – and the- there’s that blonde doctor girl over there. Therethey are – America’s hottest group of actors! …[Norm nods and grins, some cheers and applause] Therethey are.

Well, a study this week reports seafood is good foryou unless it’s fried. Yet another groundbreakingstory from the pages of the medical journal, “DUH” …[Image of the October 1994 cover of DUH which featuresa photo of a doctor and lists a few articles: EXERCISEIS GOOD, MEDICINE CAN HELP, SMOKING IS BAD, EAT RIGHTFOR BETTER HEALTH and CANCER CAN CAUSE DEATH]

A new study shows that a few simple tests may be ableto– may be able to determine which elderly driversare most likely to have accidents. Sadly, the testsall involve a lot of old people driving cars intotrees. … Kinda sad.

Scientists have created a genetically superiorChristmas tree that will be taller, stronger, andtougher than other trees. One downside, uh, if youdon’t like your presents, it will kill you. …That’s a hell of downside there!

And, ah – here’s a story. Scientists have discoveredthat rats with spinal cord injuries were able to walkagain after being treated with a combination drugtherapy. That’s good news, huh? Gettin’ all those ratsup and around again? … [scattered applause]

A new FBI study shows that, for the first time,Americans are more likely to be killed by a strangerthan a loved one or acquaintance. Their advice:introduce yourself to as many people as possible. …[scattered applause]

[Photo of a one-legged goose with a dart in its head]A one-legged goose with a dart in its head. And Icomplain about my life. You know? … It’s tougher forthe one-legged goose.

Hey, Lisa Marie Presley said that she and Michael arestill together and happy, this week. She also made arevalation that she is actually a nine-year-old boy….

[Norm gets confused over which camera to address] Isthat it? Whoop! There I am! I thought I was overthere.

A sheepdog carrying $250,000 worth of cocaine in itsstomach was found at JFK airport earlier this week. Acustoms agent got suspicious when he saw two airlineemployees taking turns sniffing the dog’s ass. …[cheers and applause]

And that’s all the news. Thanks, folks, see you later.

[Music. Cheers and applause. Pull back and fade awayas Norm shuffles his papers.]

Submitted Anonymously

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