A Christmas Message From the President & Mrs. Clinton
President Bill Clinton…..Michael McKean
Hillary Clinton…..Janene Garafalo
George Stephanapolous…..Mike Myers
[ open on exterior, The White House ]
Announcer: The following is a Christmas message from President & Mrs. Clinton.
President Bill Clinton: Good evening! Happy Holidays, everybody.
Hillary Clinton: And Merry Christmas.
President Bill Clinton: You know, we Clintons have always seen the holidays as a middle class family time. A time when families with incomes between.. $30,000 and $65,000 get together in peace and middle class love. Now, Thursday I outlined some of my tax breaks for middle class Americans. Tonight, let’s see what Santa brought. Hillary?
Hillary Clinton: [ grabs oversized present ] Oh! It’s a big one!
President Bill Clinton: [ smiling ] Well, it sure is big! [ watches as Hillary undoes the gift wrapping from the present ] Oh! Look at that!
Hillary Clinton: An automatic garage door opener!
President Bill Clinton: [ chuckles ] That’s smething every middle class American aspires to own and enjoy! And that’s why my administration is making it possible for every household with grosse-adjusted income under $65,000.. to borrow, without penalty, up to $200 from their individual retirement accounts.. toward the purchase of this or many other fine middle class items.
Hillary Clinton: Everything from a microwave oven.. to a weedwhacker.. to a bumper pool table.
President Bill Clinton: [ chuckles ] Oh, that’s right, honey! Now.. what’s in that small one over there? [ points to a present ]
Hillary Clinton: Hmm.. [ grabs the present and shakes it ] I don’t know – it doesn’t rattle! [ tears off the wrapping ] Why.. it’s a voucher!
President Bill Clinton: [ smiling ] That’s right! It’s a governemtn voucher, worth $5 toward the purchase of a new home!
Hillary Clinton: Thank you, Santa!
President Bill Clinton: [ coy ] Well.. we’re saying it’s from Santa, but it’s relaly from me![ the sound of three gunshots breaks out ]
Hillary Clinton: [ worried ] Did you hear something?
President Bill Clinton: Nothing out of the ordinary! [ four more gunshots break out ] Well, what’s in America’s stocking, honey?
Hillary Clinton: [ pulls present out of a Christmas stocking ] Ohhh, my.. it’s Mighty Morphin Power Rangers!
President Bill Clinton: [ chuckling ] Your kids love them!
Hillary Clinton: And we middle class moms know they’re hard to find.
President Bill Clinton: That’s why, America, we’ve got ’em for ‘ya! We’ve been hoarding them all year! Now, when elections roll around in ’96.. remember who got your kids those Might Morphin Power Rangers![ George Stephanapolous enters the Oval Office ]
George Stephanapolous: Excuse me, Mr. President.. Mrs. Clinton.
President Bill Clinton: Why, George! George Stephanapolous! What is it?
Hillary Clinton: Hi.
George Stephanapolous: Well, uh.. I’ve been watching the broadcast, and uh.. I only see presents here for the middle class. [ looks straight toward the camera, obviously reading from an offscreen cue card ] And, here on the White House staff.. we.. we all know how.. crazy you are about.. the middle class. But what about the poor and the.. disadvantaged?
President Bill Clinton: [ ready to make the next part of his pitch ] Well, George, I know my critics call me the President who cares too much about the middle class. [ chuckles ] Well, let them! I’m too busy caring about the middle class to worry about my critics! you see, George, to me the middle class has always been the backbone of this country.
George Stephanapolous: [ still reading from an offscreen cue card ] I know, Mr. President. We’ve been hearing that.. every day from you since you came into office. That’s nothing new. But there is is such a thing as caring.. too much.. about the middle class.
President Bill Clinton: Well, if caring about the middle class is a disease.. then Ive got a bad case!
George Stephanapolous: Oh.. something else I meant to tell you. Another plane hit the house.
President Bill Clinton: [ quicly changing the subject ] Yeah, alright.. thanks, George. [ chuckles nervously as George exits ] We-ell.. that was embarrassing! My staff thinks I care too much about the middle class. They just have to understand where my priorities are![ six more gunshots are heard outside ]
Hillary Clinton: Maybe we should get downstairs..
President Bill Clinton: Good idea. But, first.. a little something I picked out special just for you. [ hands Hillary a Christmas present ]
Hillary Clinton: [ reading the card ] “To Angela.”
President Bill Clinton: Oh, I.. [ with panic in his throat ] “Live, from, New York, it’s Saturday Night!”