Chris Elliott’s Bedtime Story


Chris Elliott’s Bedtime Story

… Chris Elliott
… George Foreman
… Lorne Michaels
… Chris Farley

[Outside the host’s dressing room, Chris Elliottappears and knocks on the dressing room door. He wearssneakers, jeans, and a flannel shirt over a T-shirt.Under one arm, he carries rolled-up blankets and apillow. Host George Foreman, looking dapper in suitand tie, opens the door and greets Chrischeerily.]

George Foreman: Hi, Chris!

Chris Elliott: Hi, George! How ya doin’? Mindif I come in? [Chris breezes past George and entersthe dressing room.]

George Foreman: I guess not.

[Once inside, Chris places the blankets and pillow onthe dressing room sofa and happily sits besidethem.]

Chris Elliott: Oh, boy. [points to a swivelchair opposite, pleasantly] Sit down, George. Have aseat. [George shuts the door and sits as Chris helpshimself to a tray of vegetables] Ooh, celery![chuckles, eats celery, talks with mouth full] Hey, Ijust want to say you’re doin’ a great job out there. Imean, you really are top bananas out there. You’recoconuts. You’re slingin’ the zingers six ways toSunday. [laughs] So, tip o’ the hat to you, milady.[mimes tipping a hat, laughs some more]

George Foreman: [slightly impatient] Hey,Chris, what do you want exactly?

Chris Elliott: Well – a direct question -deserves a direct answer. George — [Chris puts a handon his own chest] Chris – is sleepy.

George Foreman: Mm hm.

Chris Elliott: And, uh, this being the mostcomfortable sofa backstage, well, if you don’t mind, Ithink I’m gonna take a little — [belches] — nap.[starts taking his sneakers off]

George Foreman: Well, I guess I don’t mind. Butdon’t you have a little skit to put on outthere?

Chris Elliott: [casually] Ah, George, not me.I’m gonna leave that for the kids. You know, theFarleys and the Spades and the Piscopos. Let thosebirds fly. This little tweet-tweet wants to nest alittle while. [chuckles]

George Foreman: [mocks his chuckle with one ofhis own] Seems like a young boy like you should have alittle more energy.

Chris Elliott: You know, you’re absolutelyright. I mean, ah, sometimes I think maybe I have thatYuppie disease. [laughs] You know, I’m as lethargic asa kitty with a belly full of milk. [laughs]

George Foreman: [rises, checks his wristwatch]Uh, look, Chris, you can lie down for a while but Ibetter get over to wardrobe. [starts to exit]

Chris Elliott: [rises, pulls swivel chair tothe sofa] Oh, oh, no, no, George, George.[high-pitched giggle] It’s not quite that simple. Youcome right over here and have a little seat for asecond. [guides George to chair – George sits, Chrissits on sofa] You see, the problem is – old Chrissy,he can’t fall asleep unless somebody reads to him.[pulls a children’s book from under the blankets andoffers it to George]

George Foreman: [mild disbelief] Ohhh, come on,now. [takes book]

Chris Elliott: Oh, come on, George. Seriously.Please. I – I – Honestly, I can’t fall asleep unlesssomebody reads– My wife used to have to read to meevery night – [darkly] – before she moved away.[George smiles, chuckles, shakes his head] Please?Come on, George. It’s a short one. Please?

George Foreman: [uncertainly] Ahhh…[chuckles, reluctantly gives in]

Chris Elliott: [grins, lies down, gets underthe covers] Thank you.

George Foreman: [looks at the cover of thebook, reads the title aloud] “Goodnight Moon”

Chris Elliott: [reverts to childhood, whispersexcitedly] Read who it’s by!

George Foreman: By Margaret Wise Brown.Pictures by — Clement Hurd?

Chris Elliott: Clement? [giggles] Hesounds like a weirdo!

George Foreman: [assumes the role of parent]Come on, Chris. It’s not nice to make fun of people’snames.

Chris Elliott: Oh, I know, George. ButClement? [high-pitched British accent] Clement!Clement, come in for tea and brunch, Clement! [bobbingup and down like a little kid]

George Foreman: [like a stern parent] Allright, all right, all right! Now, settle down. [Chrissettles down and listens intently as George readsaloud from Margaret Wise Brown’s 1947 children’sclassic] “In the great green room, there was atelephone and a red balloon and a picture of–” [turnspage] “– the cow jumpin’ over the moon.”

Chris Elliott: [quietly] Let me see thepicture. [George shows him the picture, Chris staresat it intently, then very serious] Cows can’t reallyfly.

George Foreman: [sighs] Just inmake-believe.

Chris Elliott: [a little sad] I know. That’swhat my wife told me.

George Foreman: [reading aloud] “And there werethree little bears – sittin’ in chairs. [turns page]Two little kittens – and a pair of mittens.”

Chris Elliott: [repeats] Mittens. [suddenlyplayful and increasingly loud] You know what’s betterthan mittens? Plippens. You know what’s better thanplippens? Blippens! You know what’s better thanblippens? Beepens!! [bobs up and down again]

George Foreman: Come on, Chris! That’s enough,now! Are you gonna goof around or are you gonnalisten?

Chris Elliott: [tries to settle down] I’m sorry- I’m just shakin’ me sillies out!

[Quick dissolve to SNL reception desk where castmember Chris Farley stands, in suit and tie, reading acomputer printout. He snaps to attention as producerLorne Michaels suddenly enters.]

Lorne Michaels: Chris, have you seenGeorge?

Chris Farley: [reluctantly imparting bad news]I think Elliott got to him.

Lorne Michaels: [worried] Oh, no. “GoodnightMoon.”

Chris Farley: [raises eyebrows, lowers eyes]’Fraid so.

[Quick dissolve back to dressing room where Chrislistens intently to George.]

George Foreman: [reads aloud] “Goodnightclocks. Goodnight socks.”

Chris Elliott: [quiet, thoughtful] Hey, George.Do you think they’ll ever invent a car that canfly?

George Foreman: I don’t know, Chris.

Chris Elliott: [thinking hard] Because, if theydid, then – there wouldn’t be any traffic – becausepeople would just fly over the trees.

George Foreman: I suppose you’re right aboutthat, Chris.

Lorne Michaels: [abruptly enters] George, I – Iapologize for this. Why don’t you go to wardrobenow?

George Foreman: [rises, to Chris, genuinely] Ican’t thank you enough. [heads for door, leaving thebook behind]

Chris Elliott: [as George exits] Bye, kiddo.Knock ’em dead!

Lorne Michaels: [sits in chair] Chris–

Chris Elliott: [pleasantly] Hi, Lorne.

Lorne Michaels: [trying to be reasonable] Idon’t put a lot of restrictions on the cast but I dotend to frown on nap-taking during the show.

Chris Elliott: [like a petulant child] Well,don’t yell at me. Yell at George Foreman. The wholething was his idea. The whole shebang!He’s weird!

Lorne Michaels: Chris, maybe it’d be better ifyou just – slept it off.

Chris Elliott: [patting Lorne’s knee] Well,that’s very sweet of you, Lorne, but, um, the problemis – there’s no way on God’s green Earth that I canfall asleep – unless you read to me. [solemnly handsLorne the book]

Lorne Michaels: “Goodnight Moon”?

Chris Elliott: [whispers excitedly] Read whoit’s by!

Lorne Michaels: By Margaret Wise Brown.Pictures by Clement Hurd.

Chris Elliott: Clement? [giggles]

Lorne Michaels: [wry, fatherly grin] I know.It’s weird.

Chris Elliott: It is.

[Chris, under the covers, listens intently as Lorneflips to the first page and begins to read to him.Applause. Pull back and fade away.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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