Chris Elliott’s Bedtime Story
… Chris Elliott
… George Foreman
… Lorne Michaels
… Chris Farley
[Outside the host’s dressing room, Chris Elliottappears and knocks on the dressing room door. He wearssneakers, jeans, and a flannel shirt over a T-shirt.Under one arm, he carries rolled-up blankets and apillow. Host George Foreman, looking dapper in suitand tie, opens the door and greets Chrischeerily.]
George Foreman: Hi, Chris!
Chris Elliott: Hi, George! How ya doin’? Mindif I come in? [Chris breezes past George and entersthe dressing room.]
George Foreman: I guess not.
[Once inside, Chris places the blankets and pillow onthe dressing room sofa and happily sits besidethem.]
Chris Elliott: Oh, boy. [points to a swivelchair opposite, pleasantly] Sit down, George. Have aseat. [George shuts the door and sits as Chris helpshimself to a tray of vegetables] Ooh, celery![chuckles, eats celery, talks with mouth full] Hey, Ijust want to say you’re doin’ a great job out there. Imean, you really are top bananas out there. You’recoconuts. You’re slingin’ the zingers six ways toSunday. [laughs] So, tip o’ the hat to you, milady.[mimes tipping a hat, laughs some more]
George Foreman: [slightly impatient] Hey,Chris, what do you want exactly?
Chris Elliott: Well – a direct question -deserves a direct answer. George — [Chris puts a handon his own chest] Chris – is sleepy.
George Foreman: Mm hm.
Chris Elliott: And, uh, this being the mostcomfortable sofa backstage, well, if you don’t mind, Ithink I’m gonna take a little — [belches] — nap.[starts taking his sneakers off]
George Foreman: Well, I guess I don’t mind. Butdon’t you have a little skit to put on outthere?
Chris Elliott: [casually] Ah, George, not me.I’m gonna leave that for the kids. You know, theFarleys and the Spades and the Piscopos. Let thosebirds fly. This little tweet-tweet wants to nest alittle while. [chuckles]
George Foreman: [mocks his chuckle with one ofhis own] Seems like a young boy like you should have alittle more energy.
Chris Elliott: You know, you’re absolutelyright. I mean, ah, sometimes I think maybe I have thatYuppie disease. [laughs] You know, I’m as lethargic asa kitty with a belly full of milk. [laughs]
George Foreman: [rises, checks his wristwatch]Uh, look, Chris, you can lie down for a while but Ibetter get over to wardrobe. [starts to exit]
Chris Elliott: [rises, pulls swivel chair tothe sofa] Oh, oh, no, no, George, George.[high-pitched giggle] It’s not quite that simple. Youcome right over here and have a little seat for asecond. [guides George to chair – George sits, Chrissits on sofa] You see, the problem is – old Chrissy,he can’t fall asleep unless somebody reads to him.[pulls a children’s book from under the blankets andoffers it to George]
George Foreman: [mild disbelief] Ohhh, come on,now. [takes book]
Chris Elliott: Oh, come on, George. Seriously.Please. I – I – Honestly, I can’t fall asleep unlesssomebody reads– My wife used to have to read to meevery night – [darkly] – before she moved away.[George smiles, chuckles, shakes his head] Please?Come on, George. It’s a short one. Please?
George Foreman: [uncertainly] Ahhh…[chuckles, reluctantly gives in]
Chris Elliott: [grins, lies down, gets underthe covers] Thank you.
George Foreman: [looks at the cover of thebook, reads the title aloud] “Goodnight Moon”
Chris Elliott: [reverts to childhood, whispersexcitedly] Read who it’s by!
George Foreman: By Margaret Wise Brown.Pictures by — Clement Hurd?
Chris Elliott: Clement? [giggles] Hesounds like a weirdo!
George Foreman: [assumes the role of parent]Come on, Chris. It’s not nice to make fun of people’snames.
Chris Elliott: Oh, I know, George. ButClement? [high-pitched British accent] Clement!Clement, come in for tea and brunch, Clement! [bobbingup and down like a little kid]
George Foreman: [like a stern parent] Allright, all right, all right! Now, settle down. [Chrissettles down and listens intently as George readsaloud from Margaret Wise Brown’s 1947 children’sclassic] “In the great green room, there was atelephone and a red balloon and a picture of–” [turnspage] “– the cow jumpin’ over the moon.”
Chris Elliott: [quietly] Let me see thepicture. [George shows him the picture, Chris staresat it intently, then very serious] Cows can’t reallyfly.
George Foreman: [sighs] Just inmake-believe.
Chris Elliott: [a little sad] I know. That’swhat my wife told me.
George Foreman: [reading aloud] “And there werethree little bears – sittin’ in chairs. [turns page]Two little kittens – and a pair of mittens.”
Chris Elliott: [repeats] Mittens. [suddenlyplayful and increasingly loud] You know what’s betterthan mittens? Plippens. You know what’s better thanplippens? Blippens! You know what’s better thanblippens? Beepens!! [bobs up and down again]
George Foreman: Come on, Chris! That’s enough,now! Are you gonna goof around or are you gonnalisten?
Chris Elliott: [tries to settle down] I’m sorry- I’m just shakin’ me sillies out!
[Quick dissolve to SNL reception desk where castmember Chris Farley stands, in suit and tie, reading acomputer printout. He snaps to attention as producerLorne Michaels suddenly enters.]
Lorne Michaels: Chris, have you seenGeorge?
Chris Farley: [reluctantly imparting bad news]I think Elliott got to him.
Lorne Michaels: [worried] Oh, no. “GoodnightMoon.”
Chris Farley: [raises eyebrows, lowers eyes]’Fraid so.
[Quick dissolve back to dressing room where Chrislistens intently to George.]
George Foreman: [reads aloud] “Goodnightclocks. Goodnight socks.”
Chris Elliott: [quiet, thoughtful] Hey, George.Do you think they’ll ever invent a car that canfly?
George Foreman: I don’t know, Chris.
Chris Elliott: [thinking hard] Because, if theydid, then – there wouldn’t be any traffic – becausepeople would just fly over the trees.
George Foreman: I suppose you’re right aboutthat, Chris.
Lorne Michaels: [abruptly enters] George, I – Iapologize for this. Why don’t you go to wardrobenow?
George Foreman: [rises, to Chris, genuinely] Ican’t thank you enough. [heads for door, leaving thebook behind]
Chris Elliott: [as George exits] Bye, kiddo.Knock ’em dead!
Lorne Michaels: [sits in chair] Chris–
Chris Elliott: [pleasantly] Hi, Lorne.
Lorne Michaels: [trying to be reasonable] Idon’t put a lot of restrictions on the cast but I dotend to frown on nap-taking during the show.
Chris Elliott: [like a petulant child] Well,don’t yell at me. Yell at George Foreman. The wholething was his idea. The whole shebang!He’s weird!
Lorne Michaels: Chris, maybe it’d be better ifyou just – slept it off.
Chris Elliott: [patting Lorne’s knee] Well,that’s very sweet of you, Lorne, but, um, the problemis – there’s no way on God’s green Earth that I canfall asleep – unless you read to me. [solemnly handsLorne the book]
Lorne Michaels: “Goodnight Moon”?
Chris Elliott: [whispers excitedly] Read whoit’s by!
Lorne Michaels: By Margaret Wise Brown.Pictures by Clement Hurd.
Chris Elliott: Clement? [giggles]
Lorne Michaels: [wry, fatherly grin] I know.It’s weird.
Chris Elliott: It is.
[Chris, under the covers, listens intently as Lorneflips to the first page and begins to read to him.Applause. Pull back and fade away.]
Submitted Anonymously
