Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonaldMartha Stewart … Janene Garofalo
First Guy from a Religious Cult … David Spade
Second Guy from a Religious Cult … Adam Sandler
Leader of the Religious Cult … ChrisFarley


[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit and brown tie, sits atthe WU desk with his well-organized sheaf of papers.Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you. Thankyou. I’m Norm MacDonald and this is the fake news. …

Early this morning in Washington, someone fired sixshots into the White House. Police have little to goon but say they’re on the lookout for a middle-agedblack woman in a Surgeon General’s uniform….

President Clinton said this week that he was willingto propose a tax cut, quote, “as long as I can pay forit.” He then looked inside his wallet and announced aplan to cut taxes by six dollars. …

French auto maker Renault confirmed this week that itplanned to cut seventeen hundred and thirty-five jobsnext year. The company said it was trying to reducestaff because, quote, “we haven’t sold a car since1978.” …

[Police sketch of the Unabomber with curly hair,hooded sweatshirt, glasses and thin mustache] The FBIreleased this sketch of the man known as the Unabomberthis week. And authorities immediately issued anarrest warrant for Weird Al Yankovic. …

O. J. Simpson’s lawyers have decided to skip hearingson DNA evidence and go right to trial. Asked why theydid this, the lawyers replied, “We want to get O. J.acquitted as speedily as possible so he can get backto doing what he does best — killing people.”

Buffalo Bills quarterback Jim Kelly is out for theseason. His replacement, Frank Reich, said this weekthat he vowed to– uh, he vows to rally the Bills andget them into the playoffs. He further promised histeam would win the AFC Championship Game and go on tothe Super Bowl where they will be crushed.

A California man has sued McDonald’s claiming hecontracted AIDS from one of its pork sandwiches.McDonald’s disputes his charge but the man insists,quote, “That sandwich gave me AIDS just as sure as I’ma male prostitute.” …

Norm MacDonald: Well, the holidays are justaround the corner and here with tips on how to makethis Christmas truly special is nationally-knownauthority on style Martha Stewart. Martha?

[Cheers and applause as we pan over to cool blondeMartha Stewart who wears her trademark denim workshirt.]

Martha Stewart: Thank you, Norm. Thank you. Ithink, for each of us, childhood memories of Christmasare something unique and personal. My own memoriescenter around the big Victorian home where I grew up.Early each Christmas morning, the other children and Iwould awake to the unmistakable smells of bakedcinnamon apples, mulled cider and mince puddingwafting from the kitchen. In an instant, we childrenwould come bounding down the great staircase, our armsand legs all akimbo–

Norm MacDonald: [interrupts, surprised]Akimbo?

Martha Stewart: [to Norm] Yes. Akimbo. [Normmakes a face] … [continues] –and our childish eyesas big as saucers, eager to spy what good things KrisKringle had brought.

Norm MacDonald: [interrupts] Ho – ho – hold ona second there, Martha. Kris Kringle?!

Martha Stewart: Yes, Norm. You know, Pere Noel,Father Christmas, Good Saint Nick.

Norm MacDonald: You mean SantaClaus?

Martha Stewart: [slightly patronizing] Oh. Youcalled him Santa Claus. [Norm nods] Hm. …[continues] Anyway, it being Christmas, mater andpater had dismissed the staff–

Norm MacDonald: [interrupts] W – w – wait aminute. Mater and pater?!

Martha Stewart: Yes. Our parents. That’s whatwe called them.

Norm MacDonald: Where did you grow up?

Martha Stewart: Norm, that doesn’t matter. Yousee, Christmas is the same throughout theworld–

Norm MacDonald: Nah, I’m just curious -where?

Martha Stewart: [reluctantly and quickly, outof the side of her mouth] New Jersey. … [hurriedlycontinues] Anyway, there we children stood, staring inawe at what we were sure was the largest Christmastree ever — festooned with candy canes, lemonsticks and rosebuds on a string. And there hanging inthe mantle of the enormous fireplace were all thechildren’s stockings, filled to overflowing withwalnuts, pecans, candied plums, dried figs and spicedoranges.

Norm MacDonald: Nowwww, where in New Jersey?…

Martha Stewart: [quietly, hesitantly, throughgritted teeth] Nutley, New Jersey.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, yeah, I know Nutley! Yeah,yeah, that’s off Exit Seven, Route Three, off theJersey Turnpike. …

Martha Stewart: [coolly, to Norm] Yes.[continues] And then it always seemed just as we wereabout to open our gifts the neighbors would come bywassailing. “Here we come a-wassailing!” they’d shout.”Good wassail to you,” we’d reply.

Norm MacDonald: [incredulous]Wassailing?! … Never mind. Go on. …

Martha Stewart: No, Norm, I think I’d betterstop right here. You seem to think I’m making thisup.

Norm MacDonald: All right, suit yourself. But,hey, if you run into any of my friends from Jersey,uh, wassailing — you give ’em my best, huh?…

Martha Stewart: I’ll do that, Norm.

Norm MacDonald: All right. Martha Stewartthere, everybody!

[Martha lingers a moment to bask in the cheers andapplause, then exits.]

Well, the U.S. Safety Commission has issued a list ofunsafe Christmas toys. Topping the list this year:Mattel’s Gasoline-Powered Sharp Thing.

There’s a new kitty litter on the market. It’s madefrom wheat. And its slogan is: “Kitty litter just gota whole lot tastier.” …

There’s a new twenty-four hour cable TV channel now.It’s called Fish TV. The channel shows a giantaquarium of fish twenty-four hours a day. Except fromtwo A.M. to three A.M. when it shows “The Byron AllenShow.” …

Norm MacDonald: Last week, a new restaurantcalled Le Jeu d’Homme opened here in Manhattan and nowhere with a review of that restaurant, Two Guys from aReligious Cult.

[Cheers and applause as we pan over to Two Guys from aReligious Cult who wear sunglasses and leather vests.They exchange glances, face the camera, and launchinto their intense yet emotionless cultritual:]

First Guy from a Religious Cult: [quiet with adeep, gravel-throated voice] The long-dead rulers ofthe serpent kingdoms will open their maggot-encrustedeyes and emerge from their forgotten tombs at theunspeakable dawn of the sixth day to worship at thealtar of the Dark Queen.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: [loud,high-pitched voice] YOU HAVE SEWN US INSIDE THE BELLYOF LUCIFER!!! …

First Guy from a Religious Cult: The mockinglaughter of the Betrayer reveals that the dead liveand those who think they are alive are only so in thetwisted dreams of the insane.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: CAN’T YOUSMELL THE BREATH OF THE HELL-BEAST?! … HE WAITS FORYOU IN THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE!

Norm MacDonald: Whoa – whoa – whoa – whoa,there, Two Guys from a Religious Cult. Uh, I know youlove that whole cult thing but, uh, how ’bout that newrestaurant? Is the food good or what?

First Guy from a Religious Cult: The foul mistsof dark death will cover the stinking halls–

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: DIE, YOUFORNICATORS!

First Guy from a Religious Cult: — of theObscene Ones.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: CRY THE TEARSOF THE DEVIL!

First Guy from a Religious Cult: And theDefilers will emerge from the cave and a succubus burnthe mark–

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: THE REAPERHAS ARRIVED!

First Guy from a Religious Cult: — cumming offthe fleshy underbellies of the chosen. As the blooddrips from the beaks of the vultures, you are least inthe innocent.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: YOU BATHE INTHE BLOOD OF THE BLACK PIG!

First Guy from a Religious Cult: You – will -go to hell.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: I COMMANDYOU!

Norm MacDonald: All right, all right, allright, that’s it! Look, I had a feeling this was gonnahappen, you know. I’m gonna have to go over your headsto get this restaurant review. Ladies and gentlemen,live, via satellite, from an undisclosed location inthe tri-state area, the Leader of the Religious Cult.[On the screen behind Norm, we see the large Leader ofthe Religious Cult seated on a throne, also wearingsunglasses and leather vest but with a red cloak and ahorned helmet] … So– So, Your Leadership, now, didyou enjoy dining at this restaurant? Would yourecommend it?

Leader of the Religious Cult: [demonic voice]The Unholy One is inside of me! … His ancient spiritdemands sacrifice! … [gestures grandly] Who amongthe damned will follow me to Babylon? … Who? Who?My insides are burning!

[The Leader screams horribly and at length. Cut to theTwo Guys at the WU desk who bow rapidly up and downwhile gesticulating wildly and babblingincoherently.]

Norm MacDonald: Aw, geez! That’s enough! That’senough! That’s enough! Look! Just stop it! All thisspeakin’ in tongues and bowin’! You know, get ahold ofyourselves! We’re on television for God’s sakes.Ridiculous! For the last time, tell us about thisrestaurant!

First Guy from a Religious Cult: [quietly,reluctantly] Service was adequate. Food was a bitpricey.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: ALFREDO SAUCEWAS A LITTLE TOO CREAMY! …

[Cut to the Leader on his throne.]

Leader of the Religious Cult: [coyly andeffeminately, like a little old lady] The peachcobbler was delightful.

[Cut back to Norm and the Two Guys at the desk, tryingto keep straight faces.]

Norm MacDonald: Really? Okay. So, what’s youroverall recommendation, then?

[Dissolve to a graphic entitled “Restaurant Review”:FOOD and SERVICE get “thumbs up” but underneath PRICE,DECOR, HYGIENE and DRESS CODE are the words ROT INHELL and a flaming, grinning devil’s head.]

First Guy from a Religious Cult V/O: Goodneighborhood place.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult V/O: Pleasantfor families!

[Dissolve back to Norm and the Two Guys at thedesk.]

Norm MacDonald: Sounds like I’ll have to checkit out. Thanks for the report, fellas.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: Happyholidays, everybody!

First Guy from a Religious Cult: Happyholidays!

Norm MacDonald: All right, Two Guys from aReligious Cult — and their Leader! — ladies andgentlemen!

[Cheers and applause. Second Guy waves to crowd andoffers hand to Norm who isn’t paying attention andfails to shake it. Frustrated, Second Guy slams hishand down on desk and exchanges words with First Guybefore they exit. Norm, highly amused by the wholeroutine, pauses to collect himself beforecontinuing:]

Police in Newman, Georgia discovered thirty-five bagsof cocaine in the backpack of a second-graderyesterday. Authorities say they grew suspicious whenthe boy began showing up to school in a stritch–stretch limo surrounded by gorgeous hookers….

The newest talk show, “The Charles Perez Show,”debuted this week. The show’s first topic? “Who thehell is Charles Perez?” …

This week, a Cincinnati woman with ten personalitiessued a man for sexual assault. But the suit was thrownout when two of her personalities said that she mayhave consented. You know, folks, where I come from”No, no, no, no, no, yes, yes, no, no” meansNo! … Hate to get on a soapbox but, uh,that’s where I come from.

In a survey this week, men said they preferred penissize to height. Sixty-two percent of men said they’drather be five foot two with a seven inch penis.Thirty-six percent said they’d rather be six footthree with a three inch penis. And the remaining twopercent said they’d rather be one foot four with athree hundred inch penis. … [applause]

All right, folks, merry Christmas. See you, uh, nexttime. Thanks a lot.

[Music, cheers, applause. Norm picks up and tries tostraighten his disorganized sheaf of papers as we pullback and fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

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