SNL Transcripts: Jeff Daniels: 01/14/95: Entertainment Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 10

94j: Jeff Daniels / Luscious Jackson

Entertainment Tonight

Mary Hart…..Laura Kightlinger
John Tesh…..Michael McKean
Ron Wood…..Mike Myers
Jodie Foster…..Janeane Garofalo
Liam Neeson…..Jeff Daniels

FADE IN

The “ET” bumper graphic comes accompanied by the “ET” theme music. MARY HART & JOHN TESH are seated at the news desk.

Mary Hart: Welcome back to “Entertainment Tonight”!

A still of Annette Bening appears on screen.

SUPER: ANNETTE BENING – 58

John Tesh: Celebrating birthdays today – Annette Bening is 58.

A still of Goldie Hawn ON/S.

SUPER: GOLDIE HAWN – 87

Mary Hart: Goldie Hawn is 87.

A still of Donna Mills ON/S.

John Tesh: And Donna Mills is a lucky 100 years old today!

Mary Hart: “Nell”, Jodie Foster’s new movie about a wild child of the woods who speaks her own language, has many in Hollywood speaking their own unique language – – English – – about another Oscar for the two-time Oscar winner to add to the two she already has – – making it an even three.

John Tesh: Our camera caught up with Jodie, and her co-star Liam Neeson, on location in the green mountains of Kentucky. Well, here with the story is “ET’s” own Ron Wood.

EXT. FILM SET – KENTUCKY GREEN MOUNTAINS – DAY

Rolling Stones bassist RON WOOD, holding a cigarette & martini up to the camera while seated in a director’s chair.

Ron Wood: Cheers, mate. All right. Ron Wood – –

Ron mumbles one incoherent word after another, then chuckles.

Ron Wood: All right!

The CAMERA pans out to REVEAL JODIE FOSTER seated on Ron’s right and LIAM NEESON seated on Ron’s left. Jodie’s in her hermit wardrobe from the film, prancing her fingers and a leaf in the air. Liam’s sulking and smoking a cigarette.

Ron Wood: I’m here with Jodie Foster and Liam Neeson; you know what I mean man? All right. Yeah.

Ron laughs and takes a quick sip from his martini.

Ron Wood: Jodie – – Oscar time, all right. Do you – –

Ron mumbles off topic, guffaws, and drinks his martini.

Jodie Foster: Chickapay. Chickapay mismay. Hineetay. Chickapay.

Ron Wood: All right, man. All right. Sound as a pound, lad. Sound as a pound. All right. Okay. Liam, Liam, what is it – –

Ron’s mumbling and laughs through his intoxication.

Ron Wood: “Schindler’s List,” you know, “Schindler’s List.”

Liam Neeson: It was a mistake, me being a man, you know – –

Liam launches into mumbling. Ron arches his eyes, and then chortles.

Ron Wood: You, you.

Ron mumbles while Liam nods his head and flashes a slight grin.

Ron Wood: It’s crazy, man. It’s crazy.

Both men take long puffs from their smokes.

Ron Wood: Liam, Ireland, alcoholism – –

Liam groans and shakes his head.

Ron Wood: What’s that all about?

Liam mumbles.

Ron Wood: Oh, come on, man! It’s me – Ronnie! It’s me – Ronnie, man! Liam, it’s me – Ronnie!

Both men engage in a crosstalk of mumbling and then resume smoking. Jodie waves his fingers and the leaf across Ron & Liam.

Jodie Foster: Chickapay mismay.

Ron Wood: Chickapay – that’s right, man.

Ron mumbles more and more.

Ron Wood: Ron Wood, with Liam and… “Entertainment Tonight” All right.

Ron mumbles and laughs at himself then hums the “ET” theme.

INT. ET STUDIOS

Mary and John are smiling at the desk.

John Tesh: All right. Thank you, Ron. Boy, it looks like they had a good time, didn’t they?

Mary Hart: It sure does.

John gives a boisterous yet brief chuckle and then goes straight-faced.

John Tesh: When “ET” continues, we’ll talk with actor Charlie Sheen, then find out what it was like working for his father and his brother, and sleeping with all those Hollywood prostitutes.

Mary and John smile. The “ET” theme resumes as does the bumper graphic.

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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