SNL Transcripts: Jeff Daniels: 01/14/95: Gay Stripper Theater

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 10

94j: Jeff Daniels / Luscious Jackson

Gay Stripper Theater

Ryan Shiraki…..Jeff Daniels
Kevin’s Father…..Chris Farley
Bruce…..Tim Meadows
Dave…..Kevin Nealon
Mark…..Adam Sandler
Shane…..Michael McKean
Talent Scout…..Jay Mohr
Scott…..Mike Myers
Boyfriend…..Fred Wolf

FADE IN:

[ CLASSIC MUSIC PLAYS OVER A PURPLE CURTAIN GRAPHIC ]

[ TITLE CARD: GAY STRIPPER THEATER ]

[ INT. STUDIO – NIGHT ]

[ Host RYAN SHIRAKI, sporting a mullet with suit and tie, sits at a bartable holding a glass of scotch. An ashtray and basket of peanuts are in front of him. ]

Ryan Shiraki: Hello, I’m Ryan Shiraki and welcome to “Gay StripperTheater”. In our first scene titled “Hitting My Stride” — Scott, a gaystripper, puts it all together and puts on the best performance of hislife. Let’s take a look…

[ INT. STRIP CLUB – NIGHT ] [ MUSIC: SNOOP DOGG’S “WHAT’S MY NAME?”] [ Several patrons sit near the stage as SCOTT, a curly-haired gay stripperwearing short, tight leather, does his routine as flamboyantly as he can.The crowd cheers as he exits. ] [ BACK TO STUDIO ]

Ryan Shiraki: Well, he was gay and he certainly knew how to strip! In ournext scene, Bruce lives out every gay stripper’s worst nightmare. Let’swatch — Uh oh! — Mom and Dad are in the audience!

[ Shiraki chuckles. ] [ BACK TO STRIP CLUB ] [ MUSIC: “WHAT’S MY NAME?” ] [ The patrons watch and cheer as BRUCE, dressed in a revealing cowboycostume, dances a jig and strips. He notices his parents in the front. ]

Bruce: Mom! Dad! Can’t you see I’m not Rodney!? I’m not and I never will be!!

[ Bruce tearfully leaves the stage as his parents shake their heads. The crowd applauds. ] [ BACK TO STUDIO ]

Ryan Shiraki: That’s right, Mr. & Mrs. Bruce’s parents — deal with it!

[ Shiraki chuckles. ]

Ryan Shiraki: Let’s move onto our next scene entitled “The Talent Scouts are Here!” Mark, a gay stripper, has been practicing for this night for the past three weeks. The only problem is he fell asleep in a chair and woke up with a stiff neck!

[ Shiraki chuckles. ]

Ryan Shiraki: Let’s take a look at this stiff-necked gay stripper!

[ Shiraki chuckles. ] [ BACK TO STRIP CLUB ] [ MUSIC: “WHAT’S MY NAME?” ] [ The patrons watch as MARK, in tattered jeans and mesh tank top, beginshis routine. He performs without trouble on his right side, but can barelymove his left side. A TALENT SCOUT and his assistant take notes. Mark canhardly stand the pain. He removes his belts, struggles to place it betweenhis crotch and ass and gyrates the belt until it’s too much. ]

Mark: Oh damn this stiff neck!! This is the worst night of my life!!!

[ Mark tearfully leaves the stage as the crowd cheers. ] [ BACK TO STUDIO ]

Ryan Shiraki: Well Mark, you’ve got a killer body, you had great moves;but the problem was your neck was too stiff!!

[ Shiraki chuckles. ]

Ryan Shiraki: Our next scene is entitled “What Are You Doing with Him?”Moments before his performance — Dave, a gay stripper, finds out hisboyfriend is in the crowd with another man. Let watch…

[ Shiraki grins. ] [ BACK TO STRIP CLUB ] [ MUSIC: “WHAT’S MY NAME?” ] [ DAVE, in low-low cut Army fatigues, comes out to dance and gets cheersfrom the crowd. He frowns as he notices his lover SHANE with anotherBOYFRIEND. He does his dance and flips off Shane Italian-style. Shane putshis arm around the boyfriend. Dave smacks his backside for Shane to noticewhile leaving. ]

Dave: And one another thing Shane – you can kiss this goodbye!

[ Shane laughs and applauds while the boyfriend rolls his eyes. The crowd cheers. ] [ BACK TO STUDIO ]

Ryan Shiraki: I guess that gay stripper is now officially available! Ourfinal scene tonight, “The Substitute”, is a heartwarming tale of loyaltyand sacrifice. A gay stripper, Kevin, twists his ankle at dance practiceand cannot perform that night. With Kevin’s gay stripping job at stake,his father steps in to save the day. Let’s take a look…

[ BACK TO STRIP CLUB ] [ MUSIC: “WHAT’S MY NAME?” ] [ KEVIN’S FATHER, wearing boxers and a tank top, “bunny-hops” to thecenter stage and does a 1930’s stripper routine. He struggles to keep hisboxers from falling off. He stops and points to the crowd. ]

Kevin’s Father: MY SON’S A GAY STRIPPER!! AND BY GOD I LOVE THE BOY!!

[ He departs to a roaring crowd. ] [ BACK TO STUDIO ]

Ryan Shiraki: That’s “Gay Stripper Theater” for this week! Good night!

[ Shiraki grins. ] [ CLASSIC MUSIC PLAYS OVER A PURPLE CURTAIN GRAPHIC ] [ TITLE CARD: GAY STRIPPER THEATER ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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