SNL Transcripts: Jeff Daniels: 01/14/95: Mystery Dinner Theater

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 10

94j: Jeff Daniels / Luscious Jackson

Mystery Dinner Theater

Bob Mackadoo…..Jeff Daniels
Maxwell Albright…..Chris Farley
Penny Monroe…..Jeanene Garofalo
Gloria Dudley…..Ellen Cleghorne
Michael Duke of Bedford…..Mike Myers
Kurt Rambus…..Michael Mckean
Kevin Mchale…..Kevin Nealon
Janitor…..Chris Elliot

(opens with the outside of the theater, close up onthe marquee reads “Eeny Meeny Miny Murder, catch akiller in the Mansion of Flurder”, cut to the insideof the theater. Young man in glasses addresses theaudience)

Bob Mackadoo: Good evening ladies and gentlemen.Welcome to Mckeesport dinner theater. I’m your hostBob Mackadoo. Tonight we present Eeny Meenie MinyMuder catch a killer in the Mansion of Flurder. As ourwhodunit unfolds we meet 7 people, each one summonedby a mysterious invitation to the hilltop mansion ofVictor Flurder millionaire industrialist.(beat)Whatfollows is a murder most foul. So follow the trail ofclues and unravel the mystery. The game is afoot.

(Bob leaves the stage, dramatic music plays , open thecurtains revealing an elegant living room full ofantiques with a large fat man sitting in the middleand 4 people, 2 people per couch facing each other.Bob runs into the scene and stands next to the man inthe chair.)

Bob Mackadoo: Well it seems all our guests havearrived. I do have a question though. Do any of youactually knows our host Victor Flurder?

Max Allbright: (snotty voice) You mean you don’t? Ithought I was the only fellow who didn’t. By the wayI’m Maxwell Albright. Of the toothpaste Allbright’s.

Gloria Dudley: (a trace of an Jamaican accent) How doyou do? My name is Gloria Dudley. I’ve heard of yourtoothpaste but I never heard of Flurder until I gotthis letter. Isn’t it odd?

Penny Monroe: (sultry voice) It is odd. I’m Penny Monroeand I don’t know our host either. So, why are weinvited here?

Michael Duke of Bedford: (British accent) Well, there’sgot to be something we have in common. Sorry, uh, I’mMichael uh, Duke of uh, Bedford.

Kurt Rambus: My name is Kurt Rambus. I race cars and asI assume no one pursues that particular livelihood. Ican only conclude there is no common thread. Or isthere?

Kevin Mchale: I’m Det. Kevin Mchale. I work thehomicide detail. I can’t shake this nagging feeling Iwas invited tonight for a reason.

Bob Mackadoo: What are you saying, man? Why– (Lights goout, dramatic music, nervous shrieks, Albright gets uplooking around worried)

Penny Monroe: Oh! What happened to the lights?

Kevin Mchale: It’s probably just a fuse, folks. Weshould go look for the fuse box. All right, everyonesplit up. Each check a room. Alone.

(everyone leaves except Albright. He sits in the chairat center stage)

Maxwell Albright: I’ll stay here in the event ourelusive host makes an appearance. (suspenseful music)(Bob approaches) Kurt? Earl? Is someone there?

Bob Mackadoo: Come into my parlor said the spider tothe fly.

Maxwell Albright: What? Who are you?

Bob Mackadoo: Say goodbye, Mr. Albright!

Maxwell Albright: What? (punch) OOWW!! (punch) OOWW! (punch) WHY ARE YOU (punch) HITTING ME!! (punch) WHO ARE YOU? (punch) YOUR FISTS (punch) ARE CRUSHING MY FACE!! (punch) OWW! (punch) YOUR PUNCHES ARE (punch )AHHH! HEARING MY BONES SNAPPING!! (punch) YOU’RE KILLING ME!! (Max is thrown into a table that smashes under his weight) MY MONOCLE (kick) HAS SLICED (kick) MY EYE (kick) AHH!! (kick) I’M BLIND! (Bob throws Max onto the sofa and continues his unholy beating) I CAN’T SEE (punch) AHH!! STOP! (punch) STOP IT! (punch) YOU’RE KILLING ME!! (punch) OH, GOD! (punch) THERE’S BLOOD EVERYWHERE! (punch) OH, MY GOD! I’M SWIMMING IN MY OWN WARM STICKY BLOOD!! FLUIDS SHOOTS FROM MY EYE SOCKETS!! MERCIFUL GOD! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS!! ANSWER ME !!! (Bob approaches with a shovel) (clang) OOHH!! YOU’RE USING A SHOVEL (clang) OOWW!! (clang) YOUR FISTS (clang) WERE BAD ENOUGH (clang) NOW THIS!! (clang) OOWW!! I SEE DEATH, HE IS COMING (clang) OOHH! (the force of the last blow throws him against the furniture on the other side of the room, Max on his knees) OH, NO! (punch) OW! (punch) OOWW!! (punch) DON’T LET ME DIE (punch) IN (punch) A (punch) PUDDLE (punch) OF MY (punch) OWN (punch) URINE!!! (Max is again thrown to the ground)

(Cut to backstage the actors are talking out of character)

Penny: Hey am I crazy? or is this death scene going onlike forever.

Michael: (reading Variety)Oh! sorry I wasn’t payingattention. The death scene. Oh my God is it stillgoing on?

Gloria: I had to go put money in the meter. Hi. Isanybody noticing how long the murder scene is goingon?

Penny:That’s what we just saying. So it’s not our imagination, right?

(back to death scene)

Maxwell Albright: DEATH’S COLD LIPS (punch) ARE PRESSEDAGAINST MINE!! DEATH BECKONS ME TO A PLACE WHEREPUNCHES NO LONGER RAIN DOWN UPON MY BODY!! (Bob throwsa big vase on top of Maxwell’s head, vase shatters) MYGOD AAHH!! MY HEAD JUST POPPED LIKE A RIPE MELON!! (Bobis exhausted)

(cut to backstage)

Kurt: You know, I had to reglue my mustache and barelyhad time. Is it just me or are they racing throughthat murder scene?

Penny: Are you serious? We were just saying that itseems that is taking forever.

Gloria: Yeah.

Kurt: Well, of course I’m not serious. Whoo hoo! It’scalled sarcasm. This murder is taking a damn month!

Michael: Maybe it feels longer because it’s the 50thperformance.

Gloria: Well, at least they dropped that saw part, youknow, the chainsaw?

Kurt: Chainsaw, yeah.

(chainsaw sounds from the death scene are heard backstage, actors sigh in disappointment)

(back to death scene Maxwell is sitting in a chair and Bob saws Maxwell’s midsection)

Maxwell Albright: OH!! MOTHER OF MERCY THE CHAINSAW ISTEARING INTO MY FLESH LIKE THE HUNGRY TEETH OFSATAN!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! THE BLOOD SPURTS FROMMY BODY LIKE A ROARING FOUNTAIN!! YOU ARE CARVING MEUP LIKE SO MUCH RAW BLOODY BEEF!! (Bob shoots Maxwellpoint blank range in the head 4 times)

(cut to backstage)

Kevin: This is crazy. I got to pick up my kids at theirgrandmother’s. How much longer is this murder gonnabe?

Michael: We’re not sure. Most of the audience leftanyway so why don’t you take off.

Kevin: I can’t take off. Mr. never gonna die is parkedbehind me. He’s blocking me in!

(Bob enters backstage exhausted)

Bob: I want you guys to know, it’s not me that’smilking it out there. He just won’t die!

Penny: I knew it, I knew it. I knew this murder wastaking longer than usual. It wasn’t my imagination. Iwasn’t sure but now I am.

Bob: You know what I think it is? His parents were in the audience tonight.

Michael: Okay, fine. Let’s go out and just pull the plug on this thing.

Penny: You think that’s–

(back to the stage)

Maxwell Albright: OH! SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!! HE’S OFFSOMEWHERE EATING MY BLOODY STOMACH, WHEN WILL HERETURN ONCE AGAIN TO RAIN SHOVEL BLOWS TO MY HEAD (thelights go up on the stage and the actors surroundMaxwell) OH, MY GOD!! NOW THERE IS 6 OF YOU!! HERE TOKILL ME!!! WHY, GOD, WHY!!

(Maxwell on his knees finishes with a dramatic pose,the back of his hand on his forehead. A janitor isputting the audience chairs on top of the tables)

Janitor: Hey, kids. When you’re done with your littleencounter session or whatever the hell it is you’redoing up there. Can you close the door and turn outthe lights? And hey, fat stuff. Your parents said theywill meet you at Shakie’s, the pizza place out on route19, if anyone wants to go. They did say if you could,not to bring up the play, ok. All right kids, knockyourselves out. The play is the thing. Stupid.

(janitor picks up his jacket and leaves)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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