Tales of Little Women


Tales of Little Women

Mary…..Janene Garafalo
Schoolboy…..David Hyde Pierce
Toby Adams…..Chris Farley
Patrick Higgins…..David Spade
Devil…..Michael McKean

[ open on graphic: “Tales of Little Women” over quaint New England Winter’s scene ]

Mary V/O: My memories of those years drift in like the breeze carrying the warm smell of the cottonwoods growing down by Thatcher’s Pomd. It was that same Thatcher’s Pond that will forever tug a memory out of the ltitle hope chest in my heart. And that memory will hold my hand as we walk back to that one Winter’s day.

[ dissolve to the four children sitting on the ice pond in the snow. They are all laughing happily. ]

Schoolboy: Oh, Mary.. the chilled winter has made your cheeks as flush as a rose petal. I daresay the most beautiful girl in Cobbleton is.. becoming even more so.

Mary: Why, it’s your kind words that have put a blush in my cheek. Ice skating is ever so much fun! Although, I do feel guilty celebrating while father’s away fighting that horrid war betwixt the states.

Toby Adams: [ laughing ] Mother says it will end soon, and when they march back the town will be.. singing like never before!

Patrick Higgins: Since you mentioned singing, I must tell you that, after we ice skate, some of the others are going wassalling. It sounds like ever so much fun!

Schoolboy: Patrick Higgins, anything sounds like fun to you, that is anything but your schoolwork!

[ the four of them laugh heartily ]

Toby Adams: Mother promised candied plums and cider to all those who feel the nip of Jack Frost this day. Everyone, that is, but Patrick Higgins, for he has schoolwork to do!

Patrick Higgins: [ doth protesting ] That’s simply not true!

[ the four of them laugh heartily ] [ stands ] Watch, everyone, while I do what the Parisians call a Figure Eight! [ walks across the ice ]

Mary: Toby Adams, you mustn’t! You’ll fall down on your back side, and we’ll miss out on your mother’s scrumptious candied plums!

[ from offscreen, we hear the sound of the ice cracking and Toby crashing through into the icy cold water of the pond ] [ wide shot reveals Toby splashing desperately in the water, unable to free himself ]

Toby Adams: [ screaming ] Gooooodd!!! Oh, my Gooooooddddd! Sonofabitch! Ohhhhhh!! Sonoabitch!! I can’t feel my legs! Oh, Mother of God, help me! Don’t just STAND there! DO something, you bastards!!

Mary: [ distraught ] Ohh.. oh, my!

Patrick Higgins: Goodness, Mary. I apologize for his foul tone.

Toby Adams: [ screaming ] Pull me out of this icy hell! You little pillow biter!!

Mary: Oh, my goodness! Whatever shall we do?

Toby Adams: [ mimicking ] “Whatever shall we do?!” SAVE me, you stupid WHORE!!

Mary: [ aghast ] But.. but what can we do?! My gracious, I feel faint..!

Schoolboy: That’s alright. Quickly! We must lie on the ice, so we can distribute our weight, and then ease him out of the water.

[ they all lie down on the ice and crouch towards Toby ]

Mary: We’re coming..

Toby Adams: Do what he says, you stupid bags of spit! My life’s in your moron hands! Move it!

Schoolboy: Yes, we’re here! We’re here! [ grabs Toby’s hand ] I’ve got you, old friend!

[ the ice gives way under them, sending the other three friends into the freezing water behind Toby ]

Schoolboy: Oh, holy son of a bitch!

Patrick Higgins: Oh, my God!

Schoolboy: I’m gonna freze!

Patrick Higgins: My testicles are up to my neck!!

Toby Adams: Now, I’m gonna DIE! Surrounded by you stupid piles of dog crap!

[ the Devil materializes on the surface of the pond next to the children ]

Devil: Hello, children!

Schoolboy: [ surprised ] Where did you come from?!

Toby Adams: Who GIVES a rat’s ass?! Just throw us your tail!

Devil: Absolutely! But, alas, there will be a price. Your souls, of course. But there is one more thing!

Schoolboy: Whatever! Just pull us out, asswipe!

Devil: [ laughs ] Ah, then, it is agreed. I want, first, your souls, for all eternity! And, secondly, I want you all to myself, in that nearby toolshed, for five minutes. Anything goes!

Schoolboy: Okay, let’s go, move it!

Devil: Alright, let’s get it on!

[ the Devil laughs maliciously, as the schoolkids tug at his tail ] [ dissolve back to the hgraphic of the quaint New England Winter’s scene ]

Mary V/O: None of us forgot that Winter’s day. The lessons learned are the same lessons scorched into the pages of the human history. The bonus lesson learned that particular day was to never agree to five minutes in any shack with the Devil. Good Lord..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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