David Hyde Pierce’s Monologue

David Hyde Pierce’s Monologue

…..David Hyde Pierce

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen.. David Hyde Pierce!

[ David Hyde Pierce enters Home Base dressed somewhat uncomfortably as the very model of a modern major general ]

David Hyde Pierce: Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. [ turns to the band ] Maestro!

[ begins to dance in frumpy moves from the Gilbert & Sullivan opera ]

David Hyde Pierce: [ singing ]“Oh, David Hyde Pierce is my name, it’s great to be here in New York
I’m on Kelsey Grammer’s show, I play his brother, who’s a dork.
I’m hosting Saturday Night Live, I’m nervous, I’ve got shaky knees
I love the show, although I haven’t watched it since the seventies.”

[ four soldiers from the general’s army come out to repeat the last two lines in song ]

Soldiers: [ singing ]“He’s hosting Saturday Night Live, he’s nervous, he’s got shaky knees
He loves the show, although he hasn’t watched it since the seventies.”

[ soldiers exit ]

David Hyde Pierce: [ singing ]“I love Kelsey like a brother, even though he is my boss
I was just deslighted when he won the Emmy and I lost.
Oh, Kelsey is our show’s big star, I’m number two, that’s only fair
‘Cause he deserves it, even though I’m young and thin and have more hair.”

[ four soldiers from the general’s army return to repeat the last two lines in song ]

Soldiers: [ singing ]“Kelsey is the show’s big star, he’s number two, that’s only fair
‘Cause he deserves it, even though he’s young and thin and has more hair.”

[ soldiers exit ]

David Hyde Pierce: [ singing ]“They made me come and stand out here in a costume that doesn’t fit
This brilliant song was their idea, now I look like an idiot.
This really is embarrassing, I’m mortified, I want to flee
And everytime I sing a line, they sing it back annoyingly.”

[ four soldiers from the general’s army return to repeat the last two lines in song ]

Soldiers: [ singing ]This really is embarrassing, he’s mortified, he wants to flee
And everytime he sings a line, we sing it back annoyingly.”

[ soldiers exit ]

David Hyde Pierce: [ singing slowly ]“Hey, Kelsey, what I said before.. I wish that I could take it back
We’ve got a great show, Live is here –“

[ audience cheers ]

“– so, stick around, we’ll be right back.”

[ four soldiers from the general’s army return to repeat the last two lines in song ]

Soldiers: [ singing ]“Kelsey, what he said before, he wishes he could take it back
We’ve got a great show, Live is here so, stick around, we’ll be right back.
We’ve got a great show, Live is here so, stick around, we’ll be right baaaaaaaaaack.”

SNL Transcripts