David Hyde Pierce’s Monologue

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David Hyde Pierce’s Monologue

…..David Hyde Pierce


Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen.. David Hyde Pierce!

[ David Hyde Pierce enters Home Base dressed somewhat uncomfortably as the very model of a modern major general ]

David Hyde Pierce: Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. [ turns to the band ] Maestro!

[ begins to dance in frumpy moves from the Gilbert & Sullivan opera ]

David Hyde Pierce: [ singing ]“Oh, David Hyde Pierce is my name, it’s great to be here in New York
I’m on Kelsey Grammer’s show, I play his brother, who’s a dork.
I’m hosting Saturday Night Live, I’m nervous, I’ve got shaky knees
I love the show, although I haven’t watched it since the seventies.”

[ four soldiers from the general’s army come out to repeat the last two lines in song ]

Soldiers: [ singing ]“He’s hosting Saturday Night Live, he’s nervous, he’s got shaky knees
He loves the show, although he hasn’t watched it since the seventies.”

[ soldiers exit ]

David Hyde Pierce: [ singing ]“I love Kelsey like a brother, even though he is my boss
I was just deslighted when he won the Emmy and I lost.
Oh, Kelsey is our show’s big star, I’m number two, that’s only fair
‘Cause he deserves it, even though I’m young and thin and have more hair.”

[ four soldiers from the general’s army return to repeat the last two lines in song ]

Soldiers: [ singing ]“Kelsey is the show’s big star, he’s number two, that’s only fair
‘Cause he deserves it, even though he’s young and thin and has more hair.”

[ soldiers exit ]

David Hyde Pierce: [ singing ]“They made me come and stand out here in a costume that doesn’t fit
This brilliant song was their idea, now I look like an idiot.
This really is embarrassing, I’m mortified, I want to flee
And everytime I sing a line, they sing it back annoyingly.”

[ four soldiers from the general’s army return to repeat the last two lines in song ]

Soldiers: [ singing ]This really is embarrassing, he’s mortified, he wants to flee
And everytime he sings a line, we sing it back annoyingly.”

[ soldiers exit ]

David Hyde Pierce: [ singing slowly ]“Hey, Kelsey, what I said before.. I wish that I could take it back
We’ve got a great show, Live is here –“

[ audience cheers ]

“– so, stick around, we’ll be right back.”

[ four soldiers from the general’s army return to repeat the last two lines in song ]

Soldiers: [ singing ]“Kelsey, what he said before, he wishes he could take it back
We’ve got a great show, Live is here so, stick around, we’ll be right back.
We’ve got a great show, Live is here so, stick around, we’ll be right baaaaaaaaaack.”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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