David Hyde Pierce’s Monologue
…..David Hyde Pierce
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen.. David Hyde Pierce!
[ David Hyde Pierce enters Home Base dressed somewhat uncomfortably as the very model of a modern major general ]
David Hyde Pierce: Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. [ turns to the band ] Maestro!
[ begins to dance in frumpy moves from the Gilbert & Sullivan opera ]
David Hyde Pierce: [ singing ]
“Oh, David Hyde Pierce is my name, it’s great to be here in New York
I’m on Kelsey Grammer’s show, I play his brother, who’s a dork.
I’m hosting Saturday Night Live, I’m nervous, I’ve got shaky knees
I love the show, although I haven’t watched it since the seventies.”
[ four soldiers from the general’s army come out to repeat the last two lines in song ]
Soldiers: [ singing ]
“He’s hosting Saturday Night Live, he’s nervous, he’s got shaky knees
He loves the show, although he hasn’t watched it since the seventies.”
[ soldiers exit ]
David Hyde Pierce: [ singing ]
“I love Kelsey like a brother, even though he is my boss
I was just deslighted when he won the Emmy and I lost.
Oh, Kelsey is our show’s big star, I’m number two, that’s only fair
‘Cause he deserves it, even though I’m young and thin and have more hair.”
[ four soldiers from the general’s army return to repeat the last two lines in song ]
Soldiers: [ singing ]
“Kelsey is the show’s big star, he’s number two, that’s only fair
‘Cause he deserves it, even though he’s young and thin and has more hair.”
[ soldiers exit ]
David Hyde Pierce: [ singing ]
“They made me come and stand out here in a costume that doesn’t fit
This brilliant song was their idea, now I look like an idiot.
This really is embarrassing, I’m mortified, I want to flee
And everytime I sing a line, they sing it back annoyingly.”
[ four soldiers from the general’s army return to repeat the last two lines in song ]
Soldiers: [ singing ]
This really is embarrassing, he’s mortified, he wants to flee
And everytime he sings a line, we sing it back annoyingly.”
[ soldiers exit ]
David Hyde Pierce: [ singing slowly ]
“Hey, Kelsey, what I said before.. I wish that I could take it back
We’ve got a great show, Live is here –“
[ audience cheers ]
“– so, stick around, we’ll be right back.”
[ four soldiers from the general’s army return to repeat the last two lines in song ]
Soldiers: [ singing ]
“Kelsey, what he said before, he wishes he could take it back
We’ve got a great show, Live is here so, stick around, we’ll be right back.
We’ve got a great show, Live is here so, stick around, we’ll be right baaaaaaaaaack.”
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