Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly


Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly

Andy Gray…..Mike Myers
Ian Daglers…..Mark McKinney
Ted Engler…..David Hyde Pierce

[ open on ESPN2 graphic ]

Announcer: You’re watching ESPN2 – The Deuce! Coming up later on The Deuce: Women’s Seniors Indoor Beach Volleyball, qualifying tournament, from Lincoln, Nebraska. But, right now on The Deuce, we have Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly.

[ dissolve to random scenes of soccer hooliganism ]

Voiceover Jingle: “Scottish! Soccer! Hooligan! Weekly!”

[ product graphics appear as they are mentioned ]

Andy Gray V/O: Brought to you by.. Doc Marten boots; they’re great for kicking in heads, and I’m not kidding! Also brought to you by.. Truflite Darts; remember: those are for dart boards, not for throwing at rival fans! Also, brought to you by.. Milk; it does a body good.

[ dissolve to Andy and Ian sittng behind table of their set ]

Andy Gray: Hello! And welcome to “Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly”! I’m your host, Andy Gray!

Ian Daglers: [ speaks haggardly throughout ] And I’m your other host, Ian Daglers! Hey!

Andy Gray: Ah, alright then, tonight’s topics are: “Scotland’s soccer team – great on paper, crap on grass!”

Ian Daglers: Also, on tonight’s show – new techniques in dart throwing! Hey! Head’s up on ye! [ throws dart offscreen, hooligans scream ]

Andy Gray: Alright! [ they clink steins ] And, finally, firebombs: pro and con.

Together: Prooooo!!

Andy Gray: Alright, let’s get down to business, because I’m steamin’ piss drunk, and I’m gonna be sick!

Ian Daglers: Hey!

Andy Gray: Ohhh, I’m hummin’! [ lowers heads, spits a chunk onto the table ] And, besides, I’ve got a court appearance in, ohhhhh… [ looks at his watch ] 43 minutes.

Ian Daglers: Hey! What’d you do this time?

Andy Gray: It was during the Scotland-Denmark game. Evidently, I threw a live jaguar onto the field, ’cause of a disupted penalty kick.

Ian Daglers: Hey! What’d you do that for?

Andy Gray: Why not?

Ian Daglers: What do you mean, why not?

Andy Gray: What do you mean, what do you mean, why not?!

Ian Daglers: I asked ya’ a question, you wee girl!

Andy Gray: [ a change of heart in his attitude ] Alright.. give us a kiss here.. [ reaches his arms to Ian lovingly, then smashes his skull into Ian’s nose ]

Ian Daglers: Ow!! [ grabs hand to nose and lowers head, raises it back up to reveal a serious blood flow ] Bloody hell! Oh, you broke my nose again, you bastard!

Andy Gray: Alright, let’s get this show on the road, ’cause I’ve quite a face on and I’m gonna start chundering like a snowblower!

Ian Daglers: Okie-dokie! Alright now, as you know, hotels on the continent don’t rent rooms to soccer hooligans like ourselves. Hey!

Andy Gray: Okay. So let’s start with a topic: where’s the worst place you’ve ever had to spend the night?

Ian Daglers: [ thinking ] Oh, uh…. that would be the, uh.. rancid manure and rotten vegetable compost heap in Baden-Baden, Scotland vs. Germany, 1991. And you, hey!

Andy Gray: Scotland vs. The Netherlands, 1987, the Hague. I feel asleep inside a policeman’s horse!

Ian Daglers: [ bewildered ] How’d you do that, then?!

Andy Gray: Oh, it was three o’clock in the morning, as cold as a witch’s teat! No room in the inn for this Scottish soccer hooligan! Necessity being the mother of invention, I managed to hack my way inside the horse using some crude farming implements! You know, I say it was the worst night I ever had, but, actually, I slept like the Baby Jesus inside my equine cocoon.

Ian Daglers: I might try that, I might try that!

Andy Gray: You might, eh, you might? You know, I remember one particularly unpleasant innkeeper in Antwerp, Belgium. I inquired about a room, to which I received the reply, “Oh, we have plenty of rooms, Sonny Jim, but not for you, you scummy soccoer hooligan!”

Ian Daglers: Well, that’s not very nice.

Andy Gray: Oh, aye. I was — at first, I was quite taken about.

Ian Daglers: Oh, I can imagine..

Andy Gray: But then, I stuck a Coke bottle up his stinkin’ Flemish bum!

Ian Daglers: Hey! Good idea!

Andy Gray: You could see why I was thrown into some sort of Fatty Arbucklian dementia. Now, in the end I was forced to take a toffee hammer to his rectal vault and smash the Coke bottle into a thousand wee shards.

Ian Daglers: Hey! Why does it always have to end that way? Hey!

Andy Gray: I don’t know, I just don’t know! I’m steamin’!

Ian Daglers: Oh, that reminds me. Once, I chewed a Belgium’s ear off!

Andy Gray: How was it?

Ian Daglers: Oh, you’d be surprised.

Andy Gray: Oh, really?

Ian Daglers: Yes! Now, let’s bring out our guest, then. He’s from America. Now, interestingly enough, he’s not a soccer hooligan!

Andy Gray: Ohhhh, what’s he doing on the show, then?!

Ian Daglers: Because he’s a tennis hooligan! Now, please welcome, from the Chicago, U.S.A., Ted Engler!

[ Ted Engler enters studio to welcomed enthusiasm from Andy and Ian ]

Andy Gray: Alright! There we are! Ted Engler! Welcome to “Scottish Soccer Hooligan”!

Ted Engler: Hello, Ian; hello, Andy. It’s great to be here!

Ian Daglers: Hey! Are you drinking? Do you need a plastic can?

Ted Engler: No, thanks, I don’t drink.

Andy Gray: What do you mean, you don’t drink? You’re a hooligan, aren’t you?

Ted Engler: That’s right! I’m a tennis hooligan!

Ian Daglers: What exactly do you do, then?

Ted Engler: Well, what I like to do is, go to a match and pick out the player that I hate, and right before he serves I like to do something distracting, like shift in my seat or yawn!

Andy Gray: Hey?

Ian Daglers: Hey?

Ted Engler: Hey.. hey, one time I coughed. Really loudly. That was great.

Ian Daglers: Hey! Do you ever throw darts at the opposing player’s fans?

Ted Engler: Oh, good Lord, no, that would be dangerous.

Andy Gray: [ lowers stein ] You know, I rather like what that retarded chap in Germany did to Monica Seles. Now, that was first-rate hooliganing!

Ian Daglers: That was bloody magic!

Andy Gray: Magic!!

Ian Daglers: Magic! Teddy, hey – you ever stabbed anyone?

Ted Engler: Uh.. no. Nope.

Andy Gray: Uh, you ever thrown anyone under a bus?

Ted Engler: Mmmm.. never.

Ian Daglers: Let me ask you, Teddy – how fast can you run?

Ted Engler: Oh, very fast.

Ian Daglers: [ stands over Ted ] Oh, well, you better get started, ’cause I’m about to kick your ass!

Ted Engler: [ offended ] Oh! That’s not very nice!

Ian Daglers: [ mocking ] Oh, that’s not very nice, is it?

Andy Gray: [ puts hands on Ted’ shoulders ] Oh, you’re alright. Come here, give us a kiss. [ butts his head against TEd’s head, bloodying him up ] Boom! There you go!

[ Ian smashes Ted’s head against the table, as Andy looks at his watch ]

Andy Gray: Oh, Christ! Look at the time! [ knees Ted in the groin and punches him in the face; Ted falls under the table ] Alright, well that’s all the time we have for the show! I’m Andy Gray!

[ Ted’s bloodied hand rises above the table, so Ian smashes it with his elbow ]

Ian Daglers: And I’m Ian Daglers!

Andy Gray: Piss off!

Ian Daglers: Piss off!

[ Andy and Ian continue to kick at Ted under the table, as the theme music pots up and the title graphic appears on the screen ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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