Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly
Andy Gray…..Mike Myers
Ian Daglers…..Mark McKinney
Ted Engler…..David Hyde Pierce
[ open on ESPN2 graphic ]
Announcer: You’re watching ESPN2 – The Deuce! Coming up later on The Deuce: Women’s Seniors Indoor Beach Volleyball, qualifying tournament, from Lincoln, Nebraska. But, right now on The Deuce, we have Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly.
[ dissolve to random scenes of soccer hooliganism ]Voiceover Jingle: “Scottish! Soccer! Hooligan! Weekly!”
[ product graphics appear as they are mentioned ]Andy Gray V/O: Brought to you by.. Doc Marten boots; they’re great for kicking in heads, and I’m not kidding! Also brought to you by.. Truflite Darts; remember: those are for dart boards, not for throwing at rival fans! Also, brought to you by.. Milk; it does a body good.
[ dissolve to Andy and Ian sittng behind table of their set ]Andy Gray: Hello! And welcome to “Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly”! I’m your host, Andy Gray!
Ian Daglers: [ speaks haggardly throughout ] And I’m your other host, Ian Daglers! Hey!
Andy Gray: Ah, alright then, tonight’s topics are: “Scotland’s soccer team – great on paper, crap on grass!”
Ian Daglers: Also, on tonight’s show – new techniques in dart throwing! Hey! Head’s up on ye! [ throws dart offscreen, hooligans scream ]
Andy Gray: Alright! [ they clink steins ] And, finally, firebombs: pro and con.
Together: Prooooo!!
Andy Gray: Alright, let’s get down to business, because I’m steamin’ piss drunk, and I’m gonna be sick!
Ian Daglers: Hey!
Andy Gray: Ohhh, I’m hummin’! [ lowers heads, spits a chunk onto the table ] And, besides, I’ve got a court appearance in, ohhhhh… [ looks at his watch ] 43 minutes.
Ian Daglers: Hey! What’d you do this time?
Andy Gray: It was during the Scotland-Denmark game. Evidently, I threw a live jaguar onto the field, ’cause of a disupted penalty kick.
Ian Daglers: Hey! What’d you do that for?
Andy Gray: Why not?
Ian Daglers: What do you mean, why not?
Andy Gray: What do you mean, what do you mean, why not?!
Ian Daglers: I asked ya’ a question, you wee girl!
Andy Gray: [ a change of heart in his attitude ] Alright.. give us a kiss here.. [ reaches his arms to Ian lovingly, then smashes his skull into Ian’s nose ]
Ian Daglers: Ow!! [ grabs hand to nose and lowers head, raises it back up to reveal a serious blood flow ] Bloody hell! Oh, you broke my nose again, you bastard!
Andy Gray: Alright, let’s get this show on the road, ’cause I’ve quite a face on and I’m gonna start chundering like a snowblower!
Ian Daglers: Okie-dokie! Alright now, as you know, hotels on the continent don’t rent rooms to soccer hooligans like ourselves. Hey!
Andy Gray: Okay. So let’s start with a topic: where’s the worst place you’ve ever had to spend the night?
Ian Daglers: [ thinking ] Oh, uh…. that would be the, uh.. rancid manure and rotten vegetable compost heap in Baden-Baden, Scotland vs. Germany, 1991. And you, hey!
Andy Gray: Scotland vs. The Netherlands, 1987, the Hague. I feel asleep inside a policeman’s horse!
Ian Daglers: [ bewildered ] How’d you do that, then?!
Andy Gray: Oh, it was three o’clock in the morning, as cold as a witch’s teat! No room in the inn for this Scottish soccer hooligan! Necessity being the mother of invention, I managed to hack my way inside the horse using some crude farming implements! You know, I say it was the worst night I ever had, but, actually, I slept like the Baby Jesus inside my equine cocoon.
Ian Daglers: I might try that, I might try that!
Andy Gray: You might, eh, you might? You know, I remember one particularly unpleasant innkeeper in Antwerp, Belgium. I inquired about a room, to which I received the reply, “Oh, we have plenty of rooms, Sonny Jim, but not for you, you scummy soccoer hooligan!”
Ian Daglers: Well, that’s not very nice.
Andy Gray: Oh, aye. I was — at first, I was quite taken about.
Ian Daglers: Oh, I can imagine..
Andy Gray: But then, I stuck a Coke bottle up his stinkin’ Flemish bum!
Ian Daglers: Hey! Good idea!
Andy Gray: You could see why I was thrown into some sort of Fatty Arbucklian dementia. Now, in the end I was forced to take a toffee hammer to his rectal vault and smash the Coke bottle into a thousand wee shards.
Ian Daglers: Hey! Why does it always have to end that way? Hey!
Andy Gray: I don’t know, I just don’t know! I’m steamin’!
Ian Daglers: Oh, that reminds me. Once, I chewed a Belgium’s ear off!
Andy Gray: How was it?
Ian Daglers: Oh, you’d be surprised.
Andy Gray: Oh, really?
Ian Daglers: Yes! Now, let’s bring out our guest, then. He’s from America. Now, interestingly enough, he’s not a soccer hooligan!
Andy Gray: Ohhhh, what’s he doing on the show, then?!
Ian Daglers: Because he’s a tennis hooligan! Now, please welcome, from the Chicago, U.S.A., Ted Engler!
[ Ted Engler enters studio to welcomed enthusiasm from Andy and Ian ]Andy Gray: Alright! There we are! Ted Engler! Welcome to “Scottish Soccer Hooligan”!
Ted Engler: Hello, Ian; hello, Andy. It’s great to be here!
Ian Daglers: Hey! Are you drinking? Do you need a plastic can?
Ted Engler: No, thanks, I don’t drink.
Andy Gray: What do you mean, you don’t drink? You’re a hooligan, aren’t you?
Ted Engler: That’s right! I’m a tennis hooligan!
Ian Daglers: What exactly do you do, then?
Ted Engler: Well, what I like to do is, go to a match and pick out the player that I hate, and right before he serves I like to do something distracting, like shift in my seat or yawn!
Andy Gray: Hey?
Ian Daglers: Hey?
Ted Engler: Hey.. hey, one time I coughed. Really loudly. That was great.
Ian Daglers: Hey! Do you ever throw darts at the opposing player’s fans?
Ted Engler: Oh, good Lord, no, that would be dangerous.
Andy Gray: [ lowers stein ] You know, I rather like what that retarded chap in Germany did to Monica Seles. Now, that was first-rate hooliganing!
Ian Daglers: That was bloody magic!
Andy Gray: Magic!!
Ian Daglers: Magic! Teddy, hey – you ever stabbed anyone?
Ted Engler: Uh.. no. Nope.
Andy Gray: Uh, you ever thrown anyone under a bus?
Ted Engler: Mmmm.. never.
Ian Daglers: Let me ask you, Teddy – how fast can you run?
Ted Engler: Oh, very fast.
Ian Daglers: [ stands over Ted ] Oh, well, you better get started, ’cause I’m about to kick your ass!
Ted Engler: [ offended ] Oh! That’s not very nice!
Ian Daglers: [ mocking ] Oh, that’s not very nice, is it?
Andy Gray: [ puts hands on Ted’ shoulders ] Oh, you’re alright. Come here, give us a kiss. [ butts his head against TEd’s head, bloodying him up ] Boom! There you go!
[ Ian smashes Ted’s head against the table, as Andy looks at his watch ]Andy Gray: Oh, Christ! Look at the time! [ knees Ted in the groin and punches him in the face; Ted falls under the table ] Alright, well that’s all the time we have for the show! I’m Andy Gray!
[ Ted’s bloodied hand rises above the table, so Ian smashes it with his elbow ]Ian Daglers: And I’m Ian Daglers!
Andy Gray: Piss off!
Ian Daglers: Piss off!
[ Andy and Ian continue to kick at Ted under the table, as the theme music pots up and the title graphic appears on the screen ] [ fade ]