Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
… Norm MacDonald
… Tim Meadows
… Jay Mohr
[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald![Cheers and applause.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you. Thanks,I’m Norm MacDonald and this is the fake news.
Singer Billy Joel survived a massive earthquake whichrocked Japan this week. The quake, which hit the portcity of Kobe, killed nearly five thousand people anddemolished hundreds of buildings. To repeat: do notpanic! Billy Joel has survived the earthquake!…[Photo of Bill and Hillary Clinton – Bill’s arms areoutstretched before him] Here we see PresidentClinton, looking for something — anything — to hugbesides his wife. … [cheers and applause]
In an effort to feel smarter than somebody, Dan Quaylethis week spoke to four thousand Amway employees. …[cheers and applause]
Jimmy Carter has written a collection of poetry. Itincludes his latest poem, entitled “Ode to a CountryFull of Stupid, Ungrateful Bastards.” …
Here’s an amazing story: twins born ninety-five daysapart. Even more amazing, they were born to differentmothers and they don’t even look alike. … Hard tobelieve.
Well, the NHL strike officially ended Thursday. Aftersome adjustments to the schedule, the regular seasonstarted last night, and the playoffs will starttomorrow. …
And now, with a commentary on the resolution of thathockey strike, is Tim Meadows. Tim?
Tim Meadows: [cheers and applause as we panover to Tim in a suit and tie] Thank you. Well, thehockey strike is over and no one is more relieved thanme, Tim Meadows. For a while there, I didn’t think Iwas gonna make it and I’m sure I speak for allAfrican-Americans when I say, “Game on at last! Gameon at last! … Thank God Almighty, game on at last!”… You see, white America had taken everything itcould from black people. Our culture, our heritage,our freedom and, finally, with the NHL strike, our icehockey. …
I tell ya, it was weird to walk through theAfrican-American community at night and not hear thesound of “Hockey Night in Canada” coming from everyhome. … Or kids saying, “Yo! Yo! He shoots! Hescores!” … And I couldn’t call my brother and say,”Yo, Tyrone, did you see the Whalers last night?” …And, echoing the sentiments of the entireAfrican-American community, he would say, “Yo, littlebrother, the Whalers were fly. The Whalers were fly.”… So, play on, Pavel Bure. And, skate faster, JeffBeukeboom. And, cover that net, John Vanbiesbrouck.The African-American community and Tim Meadows arewatching. Back to you, Norm. [cheers andapplause]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Tim Meadows! Thanks,Tim.
A blind man felt Princess Diana’s face last week andsaid, “She is the prettiest woman I’ve ever seen.” Hethen picked up a toilet plunger and said, “Thank youfor this royal scepter, I shall treasure it always.”…
According to the National Transportation Safety Board,sleepy truckers are responsible for one thousanddeaths a year. In second place? O. J. Simpson at twodeaths a year. …
Well, O. J. Simpson’s lawyers stopped feuding thisweek, finally. The dream team, F. Lee Bailey andRobert Shapiro, were able to put aside theirdifferences and express their admiration for eachother after O. J. threatened to cut their heads off…. [cheers and applause]
The United Paramount Network’s new show, “Star Trek:Voyager,” finished in first place Monday night with a14.7 rating. For those of you who don’t know, onerating point is equal to 950,000 nerds. … [someboos]
Officials in Disney World have ordered their ride “TheExtraTERRORestrial” to be shut down until it can bemade scarier. When the attraction reopens in twoweeks, it will be exactly the same — but missing sixbolts. …
This week, a court banned gays from marching inBoston’s St. Patrick’s Day parade, but they will stillallow them to be beaten up by drunken Irish guys. …[scattered applause] I’m afraid to know what you’reapplauding at there. Okay. …
Norm MacDonald: And now, turning again tosports, it’s time for Jay Mohr’s Wacky SportsBloopers. Jay?
Jay Mohr: [cheers and applause as we pan toJay] Thanks, Norm. Hello. Thanks, Norm, you know,there’s been a lot of nutty stuff goin’ on in thesports world lately so let’s just get right to thevideotape. First, in football, it’s the AFCchampionship game between the Steelers and theChargers. Here’s a kickoff like you’ve never seenbefore. [dissolve to video, goofy music accompaniesthe video which runs backward] The Steelers’ CharlieJohnson takes the ball — and he throws it seventyyards back to the kicker’s foot! That is crazy!… [dissolve back to Jay who laughs and pounds on theWU desk]
Alrighty! Whooo! … Now to hockey. The season’s onlyone night old but already we have an incredibleblooper for you. Opening night at the Garden, Rangersversus Sabers. Check out this action. [dissolve toupside down video of hockey game] Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaahaha! They’re skating upside down, everybody! Somebodyteach these guys about gravity! Hee hee hee![dissolve back to Norm and Jay at the WU desk]
Norm MacDonald: Uh, Jay, about these bloopers,they’re–
Jay Mohr: Now, hold on a minute, Norm! Youain’t seen nothin’ yet, okay? Quickly now tobasketball. [dissolve to Chicago Bulls basketballgame] Scotty Pippen tries to shoot and, wouldn’t youknow it, the ball freezes to the backboard![freeze frame of video] … [dissolve to Jay] Hey,Scotty, what’d you do, cover the ball with glue?[laughs]
Norm MacDonald: Okay, Jay, that’senough.
Jay Mohr: Enough?! Come on Norm, you can neverget enough of those wacky sports bloopers! They’repriceless!
Norm MacDonald: Now, now, Jay, these – thesearen’t bloopers, you just manipulated thevideotape.
Jay Mohr: Aw, you’re talkin’ crazy. … Comeon, check this one out.It’s from the U.S. Clay Court Championships. [dissolveto speeded up video of men’s tennis game] And JimCourier and Goran Pripic have quite a rally going!Yowww! … Look at those guys, they’re flying, where’sthe fire?! Somebody gave those guys super energy pillsor somethin’, right?! [dissolve back to Norm andJay]
Norm MacDonald: Hey, Jay, uh, look I’m sorry,I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Bloopers arereal events that happen on the field. You’re giving,uh, sports bloopers a bad name.
Jay Mohr: Aw, all right, fine, Norm, if that’sthe way you want it. I think I’ve got a blooper that’smore, y’know, real. Uh, we go to basketball.[dissolve to NBA basketball game] Seattle’s KendallGill goes up for a dunk and misses! [dissolveback to Norm and Jay]
Norm MacDonald: [laughs long and loud] Ahh,hahahahaha! … Ah, that’s funny!
Jay Mohr: No, that’s not the blooper. Keepwatching, Norm. Here it goes. [dissolve back to videoof NBA basketball game] Seattle gets the ball back,here they are and, wouldn’t you know it! [cut to oldfilm of Godzilla looming over a sports complex]Godzilla attacks the arena! … [Godzilla’stail smashes a structure, he emits radioactive breath,setting fire to some buildings] Wow! Put a tent onthat circus! I’ve never seen anything like that![dissolve back to Norm and Jay] That’s it, Norm, fromthe wacky world of sports!
Norm MacDonald: [nods, rolls his eyes] Okay,thanks, Jay. [cheers and applause for Jay, Norm shakeshis head at him]
Los Angeles Rams owner Georgia Frontiere announcedthis week that her football team is moving to St.Louis. The good news for the Rams is that, changingcities, the ticket sales will increase and more peoplewill pack the stadium. The bad news for the Rams is:they will still suck. …
Well, the Super Bowl is still a week away, but alreadythe 49ers are leading 31 to nothing. …
Finally, Amy Fisher charged this week that, while inprison, she was raped by a guard. The guard, oneJoseph Buttafuoco, has been reassigned to the prisonauto body shop. …
So, apparently, that’s the one we’re ending on. Okay,that’s it for now. See ya next week,folks!