Colin Ferguson Trial


Colin Ferguson Trial

Terry Moran…..Kevin Nealon
Prosecutor…..Mark McKinney
Judge…..Michael McKean
Colin Ferguson…..Tim Meadows
Bailiff…..Jay Mohr
Mr. Schmidt…..David Spade
Mr. McConnell…..Bob Newhart

[ open on Court TV logo ] [ logo breaks apart to reveal Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: Welcome back to Court TV, in our continuing coverage of the O.J. Simpson trial. I’m Terry Moran. Well, Judge Ito has just called a recess, and while we’re waiting we’re going to take you to a very different trial that’s unfolding all the way across the country in Miniola, New York. There, Colin Ferguson, accused railroad gunman, has been allowed to conduct his own defense.

[ dissolve to Prosecutor addressing the court, with SUPER: “Colin Ferguson Murder Trial – Opening Statement By Prosecution” ]

Prosecutor: The prosecution will prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, that Colin Ferguson, on the evening of December 7th, 1993, fired a 9mm handgun indiscriminately at twenty-five passengers on the Long Island Railroad. You will see that the evidence of his guilt is overwhelimng, as is the enormity of the crime.

Judge: Mr. Ferguson, your opening statement, please.

Colin Ferguson: [ steps before the court ] Thank you, Your Honor. Ladies and gentleman of the jury, and all beings visible and invisible. The prosecution would have you believe I, Colin Ferguson, am guilty of these crimes, and so would the witnesses. But if you listen with an open mind, you will realize that, A: I did not shoot them, they shot me; B. I wasn’t on the train; and, C: There is no such thing as a “railroad” or a “Long Island.” Colin Ferguson is a victim of a conspiracy. Thank you.

Judge: Alright, uh.. let’s begin. Mr. Ferguson, you may call your first witness.

Colin Ferguson: Uh, yes. Mr. Ferguson would like to call to the stand, uh, Mr. Mark Schmidt.

[ Mr. Schmidt takes the stand, as the Bailiff steps up to him ]

Bailiff: [ holds out Bible ] Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Mr. Schmidt: I do.

Colin Ferguson: Now, Mr. Schmidt, you were on the train that day in December. Tell the court what happened that day when you shot me.

Mr. Schmidt: No, you shot me, and then you shot, like, twenty other people?

Colin Ferguson: We’ll let the jury decide who shot who. Now, would you describe the man who shot you?

Mr. Schmidt: You shot me.

Colin Ferguson: Please, answer the question, sir, unless you have somethig to hinde. Now, describe the man, please.

Mr. Schmidt: Uh.. African-American male.. 5’10”.. 180 pounds, and right now he’s wearing a brown suit?

Colin Ferguson: Is that man in the courtroom?

Mr. Schmidt: Yes. Yes, he is.

Colin Ferguson: Would you point him out, please?

[ Mr. Schmidt points directly at Colin Ferguson, who immediately ducks behind the podium to avoid falling in the line of fire ]

Colin Ferguson: Let the record show that Mr. Achmidt pointed to the man in the second row, sear number 3.

Prosecution: Objection!

Judge: Sustained.

Colin Ferguson: Your honor, may I have a second to, uh, confirm with my client?

Judge: Surely.

[ Colin Ferguson talks amongst himself, turning from one side of the courtroom to the other to differentiate the aggressive lawyer and the passive client ]

Colin Ferguson: I’ll handle this! [ to Mr. Schmidt ] Okay – let’s say I shot you. [ turns to the jurors, spins one hand and points to Mr. Schmidt with the other hand ] Cuckoo-oo! [ recomposes himself ] You must have done something to provoke me.

Mr. Schmidt: I didn’t do anything, I was just riding home on the train.

Colin Ferguson: Well, I’ll have you know that I was on that same train, and nobody shot me. Why is that?

Mr. Schmidt: I don’t know.

Colin Ferguson: “I.. don’t.. know.” “I don’t know.” Hmm. Well, when you know more, why don’t you give us a call? No more questions, Your Honor.

Judge: Thank you. Counsel?

Prosecutor: Mr. Schmidt, who shot you that day on the Long Island Railroad?

Mr. Schmidt: Colin Ferguson.

Prosecutor: No further questions, Your Honor.

[ Colin Ferguson gives a worried face to the camera, as Mr. Schmidt and the Prosecutor step down ] [ dissolve to Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: Later in the day, Colin Ferguson questioned Paul McConnell, one of the men who tackled him as he ran from the scene ] [ dissolve back to the courtroom ]

Colin Ferguson: Now, Mr. McConnell, tell us about the day on the train before the shooting.

Mr. McConnell: Well, it was.. it was a normal day, until you started shooting people.

Colin Ferguson: A “normal” day. So, you didn’t hear any radio waves being broadcast to my head?

Mr. McConnell: Uh.. no.

Colin Ferguson: You sat next to me, and yet you heard no voices telling me to kill?

Mr. McConnell: [ shakes his head ] No.

Colin Ferguson: What about the day before?

Mr. McConnell: No.

Colin Ferguson: Interesting. You know, that was a trick question, Mr. McConnell. Because everyone knows that voices to our brains are only broadcast on Monday, Wednesday and Sunday. [ laughs uproariously to himself ] Monday.. Wednesday.. and Sunday!

Mr. McConnell: Your, uh.. Your Honor, can I step down now?

Judge: Just a moment, Mr. McConnell. Mr. Ferguson, do you have any further questions for this witness?

Colin Ferguson: Yes, Your Honor, I have another question for Mr. McConnell. [ steps closer to the bench, practically right in front of Mr. McConnell’s face ] Why did you shoot those people?

Mr. McConnell: I.. I didn’t shoot any one.. you did.

Colin Ferguson: [ leans in closer to Mr. McConnell ] You shot those people, didn’t you?

Mr. McConnell: No.

Colin Ferguson: Didn’t you?!

Mr. McConnell: No.

Colin Ferguson: Didn’t you?!

Mr. McConnell: No!

Colin Ferguson: Didn’t you?!

Mr. McConnell: ..No.

Colin Ferguson: Didn’t you?!

Mr. McConnell: No?

Colin Ferguson: Your Honor, may I please approach the bench?

[ the Judge nods yes, so Colin Ferguson leans to whisper his plea silently ]

Judge: Alright, alright, fine..

Colin Ferguson: [ again, to Mr. McConnell ] Didn’t you?!

Mr. McConnell: No.

Colin Ferguson: Didn’t you?!

Mr. McConnell: No!

Colin Ferguson: [ slaps the desk ] No more questions!

Judge: Counsel?

[ Prosecutor steps forward again ]

Prosecutor: [ sighs ] Mr. McConnell, who is the man that shot those people that day, on the train?

Mr. McConnell: Colin Ferguson.

Prosecutor: No more questions, Your Honor.

Judge: Thank you, Mr. McConnell. Uh.. call your next witness, Mr. Ferguson.

[ Colin Ferguson steps forward again ]

Colin Ferguson: Colin Ferguson calls to the stand, Denver quarterback, uh.. John Elway.

Prosecutor: Your Honor!

Yeah, Counsel, approach the bench, please.

Prosecutor: What is the relevance of this witness, what’s the point?

Colin Ferguson: Once I question Mr. Elway, President Clinton, and that dog — [ points to dog sitting in the courtroom ] — then, you will see the point!

Judge: [ relunctantly ] Sustained.

Colin Ferguson: Alright! [ laughs, jumps onto the defense table triumphantly ] I win, I win!

Judge: [ bangs gavel ] Order in the court! Order in the court, Mr. Feguson! Get off the table! You didn’t win, you were overruled! Guards! Grab him!

Colin Ferguson: I win, I win!

Judge: You lost!

Colin Ferguson: I’m a winner! I’m a winner!

[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]

When we ome back, we’ll watch as Colin Ferguson fires his lawyer, Colin Ferguson; and hires a new lawyer, Colin Ferguson. But, for now – “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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