“Hi, Bob!”
…..Bob Newhart
…..Dave Wilson
…..Michael McKean
…..Chris Elliot
…..Chris Farley
…..Ellen Cleghorne
…..Norm MacDonald
…..Tim Meadows
…..Al Franken
…..Laura Kightlinger
…..David Spade
…..Adam Sandler
…..Jay Mohr
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Janene Garafalo
[ open in the back halls of Studio 8H, where Bob Newhart looks over the script for the next sketch. Stage Manager Joe Disco stands next to Bob. ]
Bob Newhart: Uh, Joe, how much time before the next sketch?
Joe Dicso: Uh.. you’ve got a couple of minutes, uh.. I’ll come and get you. [ exits down the hall ]
Bob Newhart: Great.
[ Michael McKean walks past Bob ]
Michael McKean: Show’s cookin’, Bob!
Bob Newhart: Thank you, Michael.
[ cut to Chris Farley and Chris Elliot a few feet down the hall, watching Bob with intense anticipation ]
Chris Elliot: Come on! Come on!
Chris Farley: Say it! Say it!
[ cut back to Bob, as Ellen Cleghorne walks past ]
Ellen Cleghorne: Hey, good show, Bob.
Bob Newhart: Thank you!
[ cut to Chris Farley and Chris Elliot looking agitatedly towards Bob and the people walking past him ]
Chris Farley: Come on, what’s wrong with these people?!
Chris Elliot: Come on!
[ cut back to Bob, as Norm MacDonald walks past ]
Bob Newhart: Hi, Norm.
Norm MacDonald: Hi, Bob!
[ cut to Farley and Elliot, who seem pleased by the exchange they’ve heard and quickly down a shot from a table filled with shots ]
Chris Farley & Chris Elliot: Yes!!
[ cut back to Bob, as Tim Meadows walks past ]
Tim Meadows: Hey, Bob. Have a good show, man.
Bob Newhart: Thank you.
[ cut to Farley and Elliot, who quickly down another shot each ]
[ cut back to Bob, as ??, Al Franken, and Laura Kightlinger walk past one at a time ]
Hey, Bob.
Al Franken: Hi, Bob!
Laura Kightlinger: Hi, Bob.
[ cut to Farley and Elliot, who quickly down three shots in unison. An NBC page steps forward with a full tray of shots. ]
Chris Elliot: Uh.. we’re gonna need more.. more of those. Keep ’em coming..
[ cut back to Bob, as David Spade walks past ]
David Spade: Bob! Hi!
[ cut to Farley and Elliot, who glance at one another for a ruling, then decide to down the shot after all ]
[ cut back to Bob, as, first Adam Sandler walks past from one direction, then Jay Mohr walks past from another direction ]
Adam Sandler: Hiii..
Jay Mohr: Bob!
[ cut to Farley and Elliot, who aren’t sure what to make of that exchange. Elliot puts down his shot glass and removes his copy of the “Hi Bob” Rule Book from his pocket. He and Farley glance quickly at a page Elliot opens at random, then they nod their heads and down their shot. ]
[ cut back to Bob ]
Kevin Nealon: [ off-screen ] Bob!
Bob Newhart: Oh.. hi!
[ Bob walks over to Kevin, now standing just a few feet in front of Farley and Elliot ]
Kevin Nealon: I’ve just got to say – it’s a real honor to have you here.
Bob Newhart: Well, thank you very much.
Kevin Nealon: Yeah, it’s great.
Woman: [ walks past ] Hi, Bob! Nice show!
[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot, making their antics noticeable to Bob ]
Bob Newhart: Thank you, Merle. (?) [ looks over at Farley and Elliot ] Ke-Kevin.. what are, what are Farley and.. and Elliot.. doing back there?
Kevin Nealon: Well, I think they might be playing that game – you know, “Hi Bob!”?
[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]
Bob Newhart: Oh.. really? “Hi, Bob!”?
[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]
Kevin Nealon: Yeah. But you must get that a lot, huh?
[ Man in a cow costume walks past ]
Man in Cow Costume: Hi, Bob! Good show!
Bob Newhart: Uh.. I guess I’d better go talk to them. [ he walks over to Farley and Elliot ] Hi, fellas.
Chris Farley: Hi..
Chris Farley & Chris Elliot: Hi, Bob!
[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]
Bob Newhart: Are you, are you by any chance playing.. “Hi, Bob!”?
Chris Farley & Chris Elliot: ..Nooooo!
[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]
Bob Newhart: Look, guys, I know you’re playing “Hi, Bob!”
[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]
Bob Newhart: I mean.. I’m very flattered that you enjoy the old show, but I.. I want you to know I don’t approve of the game. I hate the idea of people driving around drunk because of “Hi, Bob!”
[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]
Bob Newhart: But, at least, if you’re gonna play, you have to know the rules! You only drink when someone else says, “Hi, Bob!”
[ Janene Garafalo steps up ]
Janene Garafalo: Hi, Bob.
[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]
Janene Garafalo: Listen, can I talk to you for a second?
Bob Newhart: Yeah, sure.
[ Janene and Bob step off to the side a little ]
Janene Garafalo: Look, uh, you know I’m a really big fan of yours, but I just can’t believe that you’re encouraging these guys to play “Hi, Bob!”
[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]
Bob Newhart: Janene, excuse me – I didn’t invent “Hi, Bob!” —
[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]
Bob Newhart: — and I.. I didn’t ask anyone to play “Hi, Bob!” tonight!
[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot; Elliot suddenly spews and begins to lean in on Farley and teeter to the floor ]
Bob Newhart: [ notices the display behind him ] I man, i-if it were up to me, I’d have it banned!
Janene Garafalo: Listen – forgive me, Bob, but I have a hard time believing you don’t have something to do with the game “Hi, Bob!”
[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]
Janene Garafalo: Are you proud of yourself? Take a look, here’s your handiwork! you know, people at home who are playing this would have done 24 shots by now!
[ Chris Elliot begind to crawl toward Bob ]
Bob Newhart: Oh.. oh, my God.. [ faces the camera ] Uh.. look, for those of you watching at home, especially in the fraternity houses – don’t leave the dorm room, just STAY where you are!
Chris Elliot: [ stands and wraps his arms around Bob ] I love you! I love you! [ kisses Bob on the cheek ]
Bob Newhart: [ mortified ] I’m so sorry..
[ fade ]
