The Evaluation


The Evaluation

Employee Relations Officer…..Bob Newhart

[ open on exterior, United States Postal Service ] [ dissolve to interior, Employee Relations office ] [ the camera’s point-of-view acts as the role of the employee who enters the office. The Employee Relations Officer looks up as the off-screen employee enters. ]

Employee Relations Officer: Oh. Uh.. uh.. Davidson. Come-come in – come in and.. sit down.

[ the off-screen employee maneuvers through the room and takes his seat in front of the Employee Relations Officer’s desk ]

Employee Relations Officer: Uh.. first-first of all, let me, uh.. let me tell you that we appreciate your filling out the questionnaire. As you know, we’ve had some problems the last.. few years at the Post Office, with, uh.. well, with disgruntled employees, and.. and we’ve found that if an employee gets disgruntled enough, uh.. it-it can really get out of hand. I’m sure you remember last March when, uh.. Andy Baumgardner had that-that-that day. Uh.. anyway.. the boys upstairs came up with the idea of getting all the employees to.. to fill out these questionnaires in order to, uh.. to avoid any-any future, uh.. Andy-Andy-Andy Baumgardners. Let me jsut go over this with you.

[ Employee Relations Officer puts on a pair of glasses and glances through the questionnaire ]

Uh.. let’s see. I see you’re 46 years old, and, uh.. and divorced. Now, uh.. was that, uh.. was that.. amicable? [ camera shakes head “No” ] A real-real ugly one. Uh-huh. And you-you live alone. You-you-you enjoy living alone, do you, Davidson? [ camera shakes head “Yes” ] Wouldn’t.. wouldn’t have it any other way. [ coughs ]

I-I notice under Social Security Number, you’ve written, uh: “What’s it to you?” [ smiles ] Th-that was a.. that was a little joke, right? [ camera shakes head “No” ] It-it wasn’t. Okay.. okay, well, let’s move on. [ flips page ] Under the question “What’s your least favorite part of the job?” you wrote, uh: “Sorting mail.” Which.. seems like a kind of odd response, considering.. that you are a mail.. mail sorter.

Now, the next question, uh, “How would you describe your feelings towards the U.S. postal Service?” and you wrote, uh: “Disgruntled.” See, that’s uh.. that’s a kind of a red flag, here at the Post Office. We haven’t really had that much luck with disgruntled employees in the past. Frankly, it’s a word that we least-least like to see on our questionnaires. So, I.. won’t waste much more of your time, Davidson.

I just want to go over one more area that caused me a little concern.. It’s under the question: “What-what is the biggest complaint in your workplace?” And you wrote: “Working next to the devil.” Now, I checked the, uh.. I checked the records, Davidson, and you work beside, uh.. Sam Henshaw, who has been with the Post Office 45 years. He’s a very nice old man. Uh.. I-I guess.. I guess, I just find it hard to believe that that.. the devil has spent the last.. 45 years sorting mail. [ coughs ] Nooo.. I’m not, I’m not, I’m not calling your dog a liar, by any stretch of the imagination. The last thing that I’d like to do, uh.. uh.. you’re pretty sure that he-he is the devil? [ camera shakes head “Yes” ] Well.. I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree on-on that one.

Uh, anyway.. th-that’s basically it, so I’ll-I’ll let you, uh.. let you get back to work, uh, Davidson. Uh.. [ clears throat, stands ] I just want to add that you are doing a bang-up here. Uh.. there is, there is one more, uh.. one more thing. All the postal employees are required to, you know, wear the regulation, uh.. postal uniforms. [ clears throat as the camera angle rises over him ] No. No, I think, I think you look great in the combat fatigues. It’s just that, uh.. r-rules.. are rules. Again.. just the boys upstairs. A-and, remember, this questionnaire wasn’t-wasn’t my-my idea. Again, it was.. it was the boys.. the boys upstairs. [ points to the ceiling ] [ Employee Relations Officer makes his way to his office door ]

Yeah, right. Right. Upstairs. You just — yeah. You-you take the elevator, and.. go up one floor, and it’s the first door on the right. You can’t.. you-you can’t miss it. [ smiles ] [ alternate camera pulls back, as we see the full set standing in front of Home Base, Bob Newhart standing at the door of the set as the cameraman who portrayed the employee’s point-of-view lowers his camera and exits the set to the calls of director Dave Wilson ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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