Black History Month
… Ellen Cleghorne
… Tim Meadows
… Chris Farley
[Graphic: a photo collage of famous African-Americanmen next to a text reading: BLACK HISTORY MONTH.]
Don Pardo: “Saturday Night Live” is proud to honor BlackHistory Month.[Dissolve to Ellen Cleghorne and Tim Meadows, nicelydressed, seated at a desk in front of a view of a bigcity skyline. They address the camera:]
Ellen Cleghorne: Thank you. As you all know, Februaryis Black History Month.
Tim Meadows: And so we thought this would be anappropriate time to reflect upon the achievements ofAfrican-Americans over the past year. And what betterway to start … [Photo of O. J. Simpson inset overTim’s shoulder] … than with O. J. Simpson whosetrial in Los Angeles has reminded all Americans of hisremarkable achievements as a running back and acorporate spokesman for Hertz Rent-a-Car.
Ellen Cleghorne: While, on the other side of thecountry … [Photo of crazed killer Colin Ferguson]… the trial of Colin Ferguson showed how a manwithout the advantages of a legal education couldconduct his own defense and nearly pull off theimpossible!
Tim Meadows: You know, on second thought, perhaps thiswasn’t the best way to kick off the celebration ofBlack History Month. So let’s go to the world ofpolitics … [Photo of Dr. Henry Foster] … whereHenry Foster is about to become our nation’s nextSurgeon General.
Ellen Cleghorne: Yeah! [Photo of Dr. Jocelyn Elders]Dr. Foster will succeed Jocelyn Elders who was forcedto resign last December for … recommending …mastur … bation.
Tim Meadows: Also in the world of politics, in whatmust surely be the political comeback of the year …[Photo of drug-abusing mayor Marion Barry] …Washington, D.C. mayor Marion– You know, enough aboutpolitics. What about the world of sports, Ellen?
Ellen Cleghorne: Yeah! [Photo of NBA basketball playerVernon Maxwell] In sports, Houston Rockets guardVernon Maxwell showed he had the right stuff when heleft the court and went into the stands and savagelybeat a fan who– Let’s move on. [Photo of drug-abusingbaseball player Daryl Strawberry] N-n-no, let’s justskip this one. [Photo of convicted felon andheavyweight boxing champ Iron Mike Tyson] Yeah, thisone, too! [Photo of O. J. Simpson – same photo asearlier] COME ON! We already DID O. J. Simpson!
Tim Meadows: Yeah, what’s going on? I mean, why do weonly have pictures of black people who did somethingwrong, you know? What about white people who’ve donesomething? I bet you don’t have a picture of JeffreyDahmer. He was in the news. [Graphic reading: NOPICTURE AVAILABLE] Yeah. I thought so!
Ellen Cleghorne: [soberly] The fact is,African-Americans have been in this country for overthree hundred and fifty years and that’s longer thanmost white Americans. African-Americans have fought inevery one of our wars. We’ve contributed more than anyother group to American culture, language and music.
Tim Meadows: [brightening] Hey, what about music?[Photo of pedophile pop singer Michael Jackson] Next.[Photo of singer Rick James, his tongue sticking outof his mouth] Come on, now! Rick James? He hasn’t hadan album in ten years! You know, what’s next, TupacShakur? [Photo of convicted rapper Tupac Shakur]Figures.
Ellen Cleghorne: You know, Tim, when you think aboutit, maybe this wasn’t such a great Black HistoryMonth.
Tim Meadows: Yeah, this was kind of a “rebuildingyear” for black history.
Ellen Cleghorne: But — on an up note — this marksthe first time in the history of “Saturday Night Live”that two African-American cast members have opened theshow by saying, in unison…
Both: [enthusiastically put their heads together andshout] Live from New York–!
Chris Farley: [abruptly enters and puts his armsaround Ellen and Tim, interrupting] Hey, guys! What’sup?! [audience cheers and applauds for a grinningFarley as Ellen and Tim look glum and upset]
Ellen Cleghorne: What are you doing here?
Chris Farley: Nothin’.
Tim Meadows: Chris, uh, we’re kind of in the middle ofsomething, all right?
Chris Farley: I know. I got one line and I’m out of here.
Tim Meadows: Nuh uh! Not this one! Get out!
Chris Farley: [reluctantly] All right. [nasally] Eees![Farley exits with inhuman speed]
Tim Meadows: [disgusted, to Ellen] Eh–!
Ellen Cleghorne: [in disbelief, to Tim] Can you believe that?
Tim Meadows: I know. Let’s just do it.
Both: [heads together, camera zooming in on them, withgreat enthusiasm] Live from New York — it’s SaturdayNiiiiiight!