George Clooney’s Monologue
Audience Member…..Tom Davis
Amy the Nurse…..Molly Shannon
George Clooney: Thank you! Wow! I’ll tell you, it’s a pleasure to be here tonight, as host of this show. Now, I have — [ audience won’t stop cheering, especially a pair of excited women ] Thank you. That’s my mother!
I’ve done a, uh, a number of different things as an actor.. but, obviously, I’m here tonight because of the show I do – “E.R.” [ audience cheers ] The wonderful thing about doing “E.R.” is that we’ve all been able to learn so much about medicine. We have actual doctors and nurses on the set, and we’ve gotten to visit real emergency rooms, and we’ve picked up some real medical training. I mean, if, God forbid, for some reason “E.R.” should go off the air —
Audience Member: Mr. Clooney? Uh, my wife and I are huge fans of your show.
George Clooney: Oh. Thank you.
Audience Member: And, uh.. we’re in New York now, because I’m going to get a liver transplant operation. And, uh, I’d be really honoroed if you’d perform it.
George Clooney: [ laughs ] Well, I don’t think that’s such a good idea!
Audience Member: Oh, come on![ the audience cheers Clooney on ]
George Clooney: I mean, I really shouldn’t do this, but, uh.. alright, sir – when was the last time you had a meal?
Audience Member: Ohhh.. it was at least six hours ago..
George Clooney: [ walks down to the audience member ] Okay. Well, uh.. [ looks offscreen ] Amy![ Amy the Nurse runs down, carrying a medical bag ]
Amy the Nurse: Yes.
George Clooney: This is my assistant Amy.
Amy the Nurse: Hi!
George Clooney: Amy, we’re going to do a liver transplant.
Amy the Nurse: Okay.
George Clooney: Okay. Scalpel.
Amy the Nurse: [ hands Clooney the scalpel ] Scalpel.
George Clooney: Alright, what’s your name?
Audience Member: Uh.. Bob Plate.
George Clooney: Bob. Okay. Bob, you might feel a slight little prick.
Audience Member: I know —[ as Clooney leans over the audience member to perform the surgery, blood begins to squirt from the audience member’s chest ]
Audience Member: Oh!
George Clooney: Actually, a lot of fun for me. Forceps.
Amy the Nurse: Forceps.[ Amy hands over the forceps ]
George Clooney: You see, on the show I play a pediatrician.. so I don’t have to tell you — clamps.
Amy the Nurse: Clamps.[ Amy hands over the clamps ]
George Clooney: — pediatricians don’t get to do too many transplants.
Audience Member: [ with blood squirting ] Oh! There he is!
George Clooney: Alright, Bob. This liver is as hard as a rock! There we go! There we go![ Clooney raises the bloody liver high in the air, as Amy grabs it and stuffs it into her medical bag ]
Amy the Nurse: Oh, my.. oh..
George Clooney: Now, Bob, I probably should have thought if this earlier, but, uh.. you don’t happen to have the new liver on you, by any chance, do you?
Audience Member: Geez! It’s back at the hotel, in the mini-bar! I guess we should send someone out, or something..
George Clooney: I’ll tell you something, Amy, you would be such a lifesaver, if you told me that you still have that extra liver in your bag.
Amy the Nurse: Actually, you know, I believe that I do. [ removes the liver from her bag ]
George Clooney: Ho!
Amy the Nurse: [ pulls some papers from her bag ] Oh, oh, oh – and, by the way, here are your tickets for Phantom, and your phone messages.
George Clooney: Okay. Hang on.[ Amy exits stage, as Clooney begins to “sew up” the audience member’s chest ]
George Clooney: Amy used to work with Tom Arnold. I’m very lucky to have her.
Audience Member: Oh! She is good!
George Clooney: Ooh, yeah! Okay. Hang on.. There!
Audience Member: Wha..?
George Clooney: [ finished ] There you go, Bob. I think you’re going to be fine. We might have to keep you here in the studio overnight – for some observation – but, u,h everything looks good!
Audience Member: You were terrific! Thank you![ Clooney runs back to Home Base ]
George Clooney: Alright! Well! We have a great show for you. The Cranberries are here! [ audience goes nuts with excitement ] Yeah! So stick around, we’ll be right back!