Tales of Fraud and Malfeasance in Railroad Hiring Practices
Cameron Hormel…..George Clooney
Real Foreman…..Kevin Nealon
Applicant: Uh, hi. I came about the job for the railroad. I’m sorry I’m late
Cameron Hormel: Well, that’s okay. I just if we hire you, you won’t be late for work!
Applicant: [ laughs politely ]
Cameron Hormel: I’ve been looking over your application, and everything seems to be in order. I just have a few questions for you.
Cameron Hormel: Okay. Have you driven a train?
Applicant: Uh.. no, sir.
Cameron Hormel: Do you think you could get in a train locomotive and just by, moving the switches and levers at random, make the train move down the track.
Applicant: [ thinks about it ] Yes, sir.. I believe I could.
Cameron Hormel: Mmm-hmm. At a high rate of speed?
Applicant: I’d certainly give it a try, sir.
Cameron Hormel: And then do you think that you could stop the train, again just by moving the levers at random?
Applicant: I believe so.
Cameron Hormel: Would you be willing to strike things that are on the track, like cars?
Applicant: That is no problem, sir.
Cameron Hormel: And after you stop the train, would you be willing to tell people you took the train without anybody’s permission?
Applicant: Yes, sir.
Cameron Hormel: And start a fight?
Applicant: Uh.. with who?
Cameron Hormel: Anybody qho might be there.
Applicant: Uh.. sure. I think I could handle that.
Cameron Hormel: Do you think that you could drive a train over a cliff and live?
Applicant: Uh.. yes, sir. I think I could.
Cameron Hormel: Would you be willing to relocate to the midwest?
Applicant: Oh, I love the midwest!
Cameron Hormel: Would you just go somewhere we told you, and wait there until we contacted you again?
Applicant: Well.. that is no problem, sir!
Cameron Hormel: Even if you didn’t hear from us for years?
Applicant: If that’s what the job called for.
Cameron Hormel: Do you smoke?
Cameron Hormel: Would you?
Applicant: Uh.. sure.. I could do that.
Cameron Hormel: Would you smoke a lot?
Applicant: Uh.. as much as you need, sir..
Cameron Hormel: Mmm-hmm. Can you operate a crane?
Applicant: no, sir.
Cameron Hormel: Well, that’s good! Because we don’t want anybody swinging those cranes around! [ pauses ] Do you have any gumballs or hard candies?
Applicant: I have a Jawbreaker.
Cameron Hormel: Could I have it?
Applicant: Uh.. sure!
Cameron Hormel: Do you ever have one of those days, where you just wake up and you think, “What am I doing on this planet?”
Applicant: Uh.. yes, sir.. many times!
Cameron Hormel: And then you think, “You know what I’m gonna do? I’m just gonna go down to the railroad yard and kill my boss!”
Applicant: [ laughs ] Sure do! Uh.. wait.. no?
Cameron Hormel: No?
Cameron Hormel: No’s good. Would you be willing to change your religion?
Applicant: Beg pardon?
Cameron Hormel: You’re a Christian, aren’t you?
Applicant: Yes, sir.
Cameron Hormel: Would you be willing to publicly renounce Jesus Christ as your Savior?
Applicant: Uh.. gee.. I don’t know..
Cameron Hormel: Quickly.
Applicant: Yes! Yes, I could, sir!
Cameron Hormel: Are you familiar with ants?
Applicant: I’ve seen ’em in the movies!
Cameron Hormel: Would you be willing to let ants bite you?
Applicant: Yep! Yep, I think I could do that!
Cameron Hormel: Mmm-hmm. So, how many ants would you let bite you?
Applicant: [ thinking ] As many as it takes, sir!
Cameron Hormel: Well, alright. I think everything’s pretty good here..
[ the Real Foreman enters the office, appalled by the discovery of the stranger in his office ]
Real Foreman: Hey! What are you doing in here? [ Cameron Hormel shoves everything off of the desk, then quickly runs out of a back entrance ] Hey, hey! Hey!
Announcer: This has been “Tales of Fraud and Malfeasance in Railroad Hiring Practices”. Brought to you by Granny’s Tomato Sauce – other sauces are thin and watery, and should go to hell; and by Screw You Pal Tires – if you can find a better pair of tires, screw you, pal.
[ EPILOGUE ]
[ over SUPER ] “Railroad foreman impersonator Cameron Hormel was convicted of seventeen counts of fraud and malfeasance in railroad hiring, and was sentenced to the maximum penalty the law allows, which is no penalty.”