Taxicab Confessions

Taxicab Confessions

Cabdriver #1…..Tim Meadows
Fare #1…..Chris Farley
Cabdriver #2…..Kevin Nealon
Fare #2…..Adam Sandler
Cabdriver #3…..David Spade
Jay Leno…..George Clooney

[ open on opening sequence ]

Announcer: HBO presents.. Taxicab Confessions. Real people, caught on tape.

[ dissolve to Fare #1 entering Cabdriver #1’s cab ]

Cabdriver #1: Where to?

Fare #1: Uh.. gay bar, please?

Cabdriver #1: So, you’re gay, huh?

Fare #1: Well.. let me put it to you this way: I am gay, but my wife and three sons don’t know about it! [ laughs uproariously ]

Cabdriver #1: So, you keep it a secret, do you?

Fare #1: Well, yeah. Basically, what I try to do is act real manly in front of people I know. Hell, I’ll even make fun of gay guys at work, just to make it look like I don’t like gay people! [ a beat ] But I like ’em.. I like ’em a lot! And, tonight, I plan on showing at least five of them how much I like them – if you catch my drift! [ laughs uproariously ] Right?

Cabdriver #1: Yeah. So, in summary, you’re gonna have sex with a lot of gay men tonight?

Fare #1: Exactamundo!

Cabdriver #1: I mean, what’s the harm, as long as your family never finds out about it.

Fare #1: Right-o!

Cabdriver #1: Yeah! [ stops cab ] Well, here we are at the gay bar. Oh, by the way, the conversation we just had is being videotaped for a new show on HBO. In order to air it, we need you to sign this release form. Do you mind?

Fare #1: Ohhhh, no problemo! [ signs the form ] Annnd, here we go.

Cabdriver #1: Thank you.

Fare #1: And here you are. [ hands tip over ]

Cabdriver #1: Thank you.

Fare #1: Okay, take care, fella! [ exits cab ]

Cabdriver #1: Alright! [ faces the camera, smiles ] Now, that’s what I call a Taxicab Confession!

[ sax solo sound effect, as we dissolve to exterior footage of cabs driving through the streets of New York ]

[ dissolve to Fare #2 in Cabdriver #2’s cab ]

Cabdriver #2: Good evening.

Fare #2: How are ya’?

Cabdriver #2: Not bad. How about you?

Fare #2: Not good. I have anal warts.

Cabdriver #2: Wow! Anal warts. What exactly are those?

Fare #2: In layman terms, it’s just giant warts on your anus!

Cabdriver #2: Hmm.. Boy.. where’d you get ’em?

Fare #2: I’ve always had ’em. My father had ’em, and his father had ’em. Sometimes, I wish I took after my mother No anal warts on her side of the family!

Cabdriver #2: Oh, what’s it like?

Fare #2: Well, it’s embarrassing. I mean, I work out at a gym, and I can’t take a shower there. Because I don’t want anybody to know I have anal warts! And, believe me, people would see them, because my anal warts.. are simply huge! [ looks out window ] Right here’s good.

Cabdriver #2: Alright. [ stops cab ] Okay, by the way, the conversation we just had was videotaped for a new show on HBO. In order for us to air it, you’re gonna need to sign this release form. Do you mind?

Fare #2: You betcha! [ signs form, hands a tip over ] Here you are, pal.

Cabdriver #2: Thanks a lot. Have a good one.

[ Fare #2 exits cab ]

Cabdriver #2: [ smiles at the camera ] Talk about a great Taxicab Confession!

[ sax solo sound effect, as we dissolve to exterior footage of cabs driving through the streets of New York ]

[ dissolve to big-chinned Jay Leno in Cabdriver #3’s cab ]

Cabdriver #3: Hey, uh.. [ chuckles ] You’re Jay Leno!

Jay Leno: Yeah, I am. Hey, hey, how ya’ doin’? It’s nice to meet ya’!

Cabdriver #3: So, uh, you and that Letterman guy got quite a ratings battle going on, huh?

Jay Leno: Oh, no, no, no.. it’s really not a competition, ya’ know? Dave’s show is doin’ some really funny stuff, ya’ know, we’re tryin’ to do our thing.. no competition.

Cabdriver #3: [ trying to provoke Leno ] I don’t really like that Letterman guy.. how about you? Seriously.

Jay Leno: No, Dave’s a great guy. He’s great. Dave’s a good guy. You know, he’s just doin’ his thing, I’m doin’ my thing. It’s just TV, we’re just havin’ fun. You know, it’s guys like you, workin’ hard, you know.. drivin’ cabs, you know.. guys like you, sellin’ hot dogs..

Cabdriver #3: Well, you msut have a lot of crazy fans. Anybody ever tried to stalk you?

Jay Leno: Oh, yeah! I got a guy stalking me right now. Seems like a good guy, though, you know? I mean, he’s doin’ his thing, I’m doing my thing.. ah, you know, it comes with the territory.

Cabdriver #3: Come on, Jay, is there anything bad in your life?

Jay Leno: Nope. Nope.

Cabdriver #3: Come on, Jay, get it out!

Jay Leno: No, no.. everything’s good, you know? That’s what it’s all about, you know – relaxing, having a good time, you know?

Cabdriver #3: [ abruptly ] Jay, did you ever kill anybody?

Jay Leno: Yeah. I pushed a guy in front of a subway once. Good guy, though. I still feel kind of weird about it..

Cabdriver #3: There you go, buddy! By the way, Jay, uh.. this conversation was taped for HBO. You just have to sign this so we can, uh, release this on the air.

Jay Leno: Oh, yeah, you know.. sure, sure.. terrific! Terrific! [ signs release form ]

Cabdriver #3: Beautiful.

Jay Leno: Alright, hey! Good luck with the show, huh?

Cabdriver #3: Nice to meet you.

Jay Leno: Nice to meet you!

Cabdriver #3: Good guy.

[ Leno exits the cab ]

Cabdriver #3: Now, that’s a juicy Taxicab Confession.

[ sax solo sound effect, as we dissolve to exterior footage of cabs driving through the streets of New York ]

[ dissolve to Slim Pickens and Vincent Price in Cabdriver #4’s cab ]

Cabdriver #4: [ looking in the rearview mirror ] Hey, you know who you two guys look like? [ the fares turn to look at one another ] You look like those dead guys – what were their names again?

Slim Pickens: [ in a country twang ] Slim Pickens!

Vincent Price: [ in a macabre tone ] And Vincent Price!

Cabdriver #4: Right! Are you those guys?

Vincent Price: Very much so.

Slim Pickens: Well, if I’m not Slim Pickens, then my mama done told me one whopper of a lie!

Vincent Price: [ chuckles ]

Cabdriver #4: Well, how come they said you guys were dead?

Vincent Price: Well, that’s a rather complicated tale. Let’s just say that we grew weary of life in the public eye.

Slim Pickens: We had fans over us like.. like flies on horse manure!

Vincent Price: [ chuckles ]

Cabdriver #4: And that bothered you?

Vincent Price: Oh, tremendously. That’s why we staged our own demise, to escape the madding crowd!

Slim Pickens: [ grinning ear to ear ] Would ya’ listen to this fellar, and his fifty-dollar words! Not only is he the scariest son of a gun I ever come across, but he can learn ya’ something, too!

Cabdriver #4: Yeah, well, that’s great. Well, fellas, our conversation here was just videotaped for a new show on HBO, and, in order to air it, I’m gonna need your signature here on these release forms. [ hands over release forms ]

Vincent Price: I’d.. be delighted! [ signs the form ]

Cabdriver #4: Oh, thank you.

Slim Pickens: [ happily ] Well, shoot, son, anything for the HBO! [ signs form ]

Vincent Price: Well, there you are! [ hands cabdriver a tip ]

Cabdriver #4: Thank you, Mr. Price!

Vincent Price: You’re quite welcome, young man.

Cabdriver #4: Alrighty.

[ Slim Pickens and Vincent Price exit cab ]

Cabdriver #4: Did somebody say Taxicab Confession?

[ sax solo sound effect, as we dissolve to exterior footage of cabs driving through the streets of New York ]

[ dissolve back to Fare #1 in Cabdriver #1’s cab ]

Cabdriver #1: Hey, how was the gay bar?

Fare #1: Not.. good. I met this guy, and, well, one thing led to another, and I think he gave me anal warts!

Cabdriver #1: So, uh.. are you, you know, gonna tell your family, I mean, about the anal warts?

Fare #1: I don’t think I can hide them. You see, they’re simply huge!

Cabdriver #1: Now, that was a Taxicab Confession extraordinaire!

[ dissolve to long pull from set to G.E. Smith and the SNL Band ]

SNL Transcripts