Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
Juror #4…..Ellen Cleghorne
Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.
Norm MacDonald: Thank you! Thank you very much. Oh, my God, thank you! I’m Norm MacDonald, and this is the fake news.
Well, there’s good news this week from strife-torn Ireland, where a historic peace agreement has just been signed. Gee, I wonder if anyone will celebrate by drinking?
Former Interior Secretary James Watt was indicted this week for still having a large, light bulb-shaped head.
A stock market rally pushed the Dow Jones Industrial Average past the four thousand mark for the first time ever. I have no idea what that means.
Was O.J. Simpson high on speed the night of the murders? “Absolutely not,” said Defense Attorney Johnny Cochran today, “and a simple test of any of O.J.’s blood found at the crime scene will prove it.”
And O.J. pal Al Cowlings said, this week, that, in looking for the truth in the O.J. Simpson case, he sometimes talks to a picture of Nicole Brown Simpson – something that, in the past, would have gotten him killed by O.J.
To illustrate the point that their client is running out of money to defend himself, O.J. Simpson’s lawyers said this week that, if he had to do it over again, O.J. would now rob them as well.
[ audience sounds uncomfortable over joke ]
Norm MacDonald: That one you find troubling? We went to quite a bit of trouble to get our next guest on “Weekend Update”. I’m not sure if it’s legal, but here with an insider’s view of the O.J. trial, Simpson Juror #4.
Juror #4: [ via satellite ] Hello, Norm.
Norm MacDonald: Hello, ma’am. What are your impressions of the trial so far?
Juror #4: [ confused ] About what?
Norm MacDonald: About the trial.
Juror #4: Oh, I don’t know.. I haven’t been paying much attention..
Norm MacDonald: To the trial?
Juror #4: Yeah. It was interesting for, like, the first ten minutes. But since then, it’s just been, “Blah, blah, blah..” [ sighs ] Once I thought I heard my name, and I looked up, but they were just talking about blood, or something. Oh, there’s this one guy who always pays attentions, he writes things down in his little notebooks.. but the rest of us got mad at him always shushing us, so we stole his notebooks and threw them out!
Norm MacDonald: So, what do you do while the trial is going on?
Juror #4: Oh, well.. I’ve been reading a lot of books. I read O.J.’s book – complete waste of time. I heard all that stuff, you know? And one woman, she brought in an Etch-A-Sketch, and we passed that around. And sometimes, I see high up I can count numbers in my head. That’s about it.
Norm MacDonald: Well, uh, have you come to any conclusions about whether O.J. did it?
Juror #4: Hey – that ain’t none of my business!
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, it is your business!
Juror #4: What do you mean?
Norm MacDonald: Well, you get to vote on whether O.J.’s guilty or not!
Juror #4: [ stunned ] No..
Norm MacDonald: Yeah! That’s what you’re there for!
Juror #4: Uh-oh! I guess I’d better read O.J’s book again..
Norm MacDonald: An anonymous O.J. juror, ladies and gentlemen.
If owners use replacement baseball players, hot dog vendors have vowed to go on strike. Boy, those owners are screwed now! They’ll never find other guys who can sell hot dogs! I don’t think they’ll be able to!
Doctor William A. Moffet, the world’s leading authority on the Dead Sea Scrolls, died this week at age 62. The cause of death? The Curse of theDead Sea Scrolls!
This is Colin Ferguson’s first week in prison. Ferguson has reportedly dismissed his cellmate, and from now on he will be acting as his own bitch.
New medical research shows that men and women have different food cravings, men preferring meat and women preferring sweets. Scientists trace this back to caveman days, when men had to go out and hunt for food while women sat on their fat asses eating chocolates.
Norm MacDonald: Well, last week on an episode of “Chicago Hope”, doctors used leeches to hep with the reattachment of a patient’s ear. Here with an editorial is our host, George Clooney.
George Clooney: Thank you, Norm. How low will “Chicago Hope” sink? I mean – leeches. Who writes this crap?
Norm MacDonald: George Clooney, everybody! Alright.
Washington power twosome Mary Matelin and James Carville are expecting their first baby in July. No one knows if the baby will bew a Democrat or a Republican, but doctors are sure of one thing – it will be weird looking.
The richest girl in the world, billionaire Athena Onassis, celebrated her tenth birthday this week. What it like to be the richest girl in the world. Well, to give you some idea – at the party, they had two cakes.
Norm MacDonald: Congress has been battling over budget cuts in Medicare. Now, with a report for People With No Attention Span, is “Weekend Update” correspondent Kevin Nealon. Kevin?
Kevin Nealon: Thank you, Norm. The battle over Medicare is not only being fought in Congress.. but in Congress, as well. [ hears the audience laugh ] Hey, hey, hey! Talk of congressional cuts in Medicare is raising concerns from both old and young people – like people the same age of Pamela Anderson of “Baywatch”. [ holds up picture of Pamela ] For osme older people, most other medical care is covered by Medicaid.. as well as by Medicaid. They’re afraid one minute they’ll have coverage, and then the next minute – BAM! – no coverage at all. Then you have the younger folks like.. well, like Pamela Anderson of “Baywatch” [ holds up picture again ] ..or, let’s say.. Pamela Anderson of “Baywatch” [ holds up second photo ] ..who paid big Medicare taxes each year. Uh.. [ camera starts to pan to the floor ] Hey! Hey, hey! Over here! [ camera returns to normal position ] And they realize that Medicare won’t be available to therm in the future. But, here’s the important point.. [ blows whistle ] ..so, please, pay attemtion. [ sticks his head in the middle of a giant picture of Pamela Anderson ] I’m talking about Medicare. Congress’ hopes for achieving a balanaced federal budget are impossible without big reductions and program such as Medicare.. and even Medicare.. and also Medicare. [ blows air horn ] My time is up. Thank you for paying attention regarding Medicare and big reductions. Back to you, Norm. Norm? Norm? Hello-o-o? [ blows air horn ]
Norm MacDonald: [ jumps out of his chair ] Oh, Jesus! Thank you, Pamela Anderson.. I mean, Kevin Nealon. Kevin Nealon, everyone.
The Mafia announced that they will drop their time-honored greeting of gently kissing each other on the cheek, this week. But, as for shooting people and stuffing them into the trunks of cars, full steamahead!
An intoxicated man was decapitated by a moving subway train, this week, after he fell off the platform while trying to show off for a woman he didn’t know. The stunt worked, and the two will be married in June.
And, finally, due to a change in policy, Amtrak employees will no longer be able to kick homeless people out of Penn Station based on the way they look. From now on, they will have to go solely on urine stench.
Norm MacDonald: Well, that’s it! Thanks, folks, see you next week!