Beverly Gelfand…..Chris Farley
Hank Gelfand…..Adam Sandler

Beverly Gelfand: Hello! And welcome to “Zagat’s”! I’m Bev Gelfand, and this is my husband Hank.

Hank Gelfand: [ peeved, uninterested ] What?!

Beverly Gelfand: Hank wants to take me out to dinner tonight, and we’re very excited, Hank and I.

Hank Gelfand: No!

Beverly Gelfand: Too bad we can’t decide where to go. Do you know where you want to go, Hank?

Hank Gelfand: I don’t care!

Beverly Gelfand: Maybe we can all find a place to go in our Zagat’s New York Restaurant Guide. [ holds up the publication ] Let’s take a look together!

Hank Gelfand: Dear God, here we go.

Beverly Gelfand: [ reading ] Oh, look, there’s Courtyard Cafe on 39th Street! There’s an outdoor garden and hamburgers – it’ll be so much fun!

Hank Gelfand: I cannot hear you!

Beverly Gelfand: [ continues to read ] Here’s a place that’s called Mizakuchi – it’s Japanese! Elegant, authentic, and sushi’s superb!

Hank Gelfand: You’re talking, but no one is listening!

Beverly Gelfand: “Care for Indian Food? Try Bombay Garden. It’s cozy, inexpensive, and its Tendori Chicken is the best in town!”

Hank Gelfand: It’s as if I am in the room alone!

Beverly Gelfand: [ still reading ] “Emilio’s is the place for Italian food. Service is family-style, and you’ll just love that zesty meat sauce!”

Hank Gelfand: Somebody shoot me now!

Beverly Gelfand: “Come back to Jamaica at Pickling Parrot. There’s Jerk Chicken and other choice Caribbean fare. Hey, Mom, see you there!” [ laughs at the wit ]

Hank Gelfand: Take me God, I am ready to meet you!

Beverly Gelfand: “For tourists, corned beef at the 1st Ave. Deli is love. And don’t forget the pickle at this kosher king!”

Hank Gelfand: [ picks up a gun and holds it ] I didn’t want it to end this way!

Beverly Gelfand: “Some more salsa, Senor? At La Cantina, their zesty Margaritas and bean burritos will have you heading South of the border.” Adios, everyone! [ laughs ]

Hank Gelfand: Adios is right! [ points the gun to his head ]

Beverly Gelfand: “Pizza, you say? The California Pizza Oven has thin-crust pizzas with zillions of interesting toppings. Have fun picking up your favorite.” I know I will!

Hank Gelfand: [ shakes head, and points gun at Beverly ] Dear Lord, give me the strength!

Beverly Gelfand: “There’s chicken fat at the table at Sammie’s Romanian Steak House. Atmosphere is what you’ll get. Along with heartburn!” [ laughs ] That’s a funny one!

Hank Gelfand: [ lowers gun ]

Beverly Gelfand: “There’s French food at Cafe Paris – escargot and succulent sauces..”

Announcer: This has been “Zagat’s”, with Hank and Beverly Gelfand.

[ a shot is heard ]

Voice of Hank Gelfand: My foot!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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