Beverly Gelfand…..Chris Farley
Hank Gelfand…..Adam Sandler

Beverly Gelfand: Hello! And welcome to “Zagat’s”! I’m Bev Gelfand, and this is my husband Hank.

Hank Gelfand: [ peeved, uninterested ] What?!

Beverly Gelfand: Hank wants to take me out to dinner tonight, and we’re very excited, Hank and I.

Hank Gelfand: No!

Beverly Gelfand: Too bad we can’t decide where to go. Do you know where you want to go, Hank?

Hank Gelfand: I don’t care!

Beverly Gelfand: Maybe we can all find a place to go in our Zagat’s New York Restaurant Guide. [ holds up the publication ] Let’s take a look together!

Hank Gelfand: Dear God, here we go.

Beverly Gelfand: [ reading ] Oh, look, there’s Courtyard Cafe on 39th Street! There’s an outdoor garden and hamburgers – it’ll be so much fun!

Hank Gelfand: I cannot hear you!

Beverly Gelfand: [ continues to read ] Here’s a place that’s called Mizakuchi – it’s Japanese! Elegant, authentic, and sushi’s superb!

Hank Gelfand: You’re talking, but no one is listening!

Beverly Gelfand: “Care for Indian Food? Try Bombay Garden. It’s cozy, inexpensive, and its Tendori Chicken is the best in town!”

Hank Gelfand: It’s as if I am in the room alone!

Beverly Gelfand: [ still reading ] “Emilio’s is the place for Italian food. Service is family-style, and you’ll just love that zesty meat sauce!”

Hank Gelfand: Somebody shoot me now!

Beverly Gelfand: “Come back to Jamaica at Pickling Parrot. There’s Jerk Chicken and other choice Caribbean fare. Hey, Mom, see you there!” [ laughs at the wit ]

Hank Gelfand: Take me God, I am ready to meet you!

Beverly Gelfand: “For tourists, corned beef at the 1st Ave. Deli is love. And don’t forget the pickle at this kosher king!”

Hank Gelfand: [ picks up a gun and holds it ] I didn’t want it to end this way!

Beverly Gelfand: “Some more salsa, Senor? At La Cantina, their zesty Margaritas and bean burritos will have you heading South of the border.” Adios, everyone! [ laughs ]

Hank Gelfand: Adios is right! [ points the gun to his head ]

Beverly Gelfand: “Pizza, you say? The California Pizza Oven has thin-crust pizzas with zillions of interesting toppings. Have fun picking up your favorite.” I know I will!

Hank Gelfand: [ shakes head, and points gun at Beverly ] Dear Lord, give me the strength!

Beverly Gelfand: “There’s chicken fat at the table at Sammie’s Romanian Steak House. Atmosphere is what you’ll get. Along with heartburn!” [ laughs ] That’s a funny one!

Hank Gelfand: [ lowers gun ]

Beverly Gelfand: “There’s French food at Cafe Paris – escargot and succulent sauces..”

Announcer: This has been “Zagat’s”, with Hank and Beverly Gelfand.

[ a shot is heard ]

Voice of Hank Gelfand: My foot!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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