Beverly Gelfand…..Chris Farley
Hank Gelfand…..Adam Sandler
Beverly Gelfand: Hello! And welcome to “Zagat’s”! I’m Bev Gelfand, and this is my husband Hank.
Hank Gelfand: [ peeved, uninterested ] What?!
Beverly Gelfand: Hank wants to take me out to dinner tonight, and we’re very excited, Hank and I.
Hank Gelfand: No!
Beverly Gelfand: Too bad we can’t decide where to go. Do you know where you want to go, Hank?
Hank Gelfand: I don’t care!
Beverly Gelfand: Maybe we can all find a place to go in our Zagat’s New York Restaurant Guide. [ holds up the publication ] Let’s take a look together!
Hank Gelfand: Dear God, here we go.
Beverly Gelfand: [ reading ] Oh, look, there’s Courtyard Cafe on 39th Street! There’s an outdoor garden and hamburgers – it’ll be so much fun!
Hank Gelfand: I cannot hear you!
Beverly Gelfand: [ continues to read ] Here’s a place that’s called Mizakuchi – it’s Japanese! Elegant, authentic, and sushi’s superb!
Hank Gelfand: You’re talking, but no one is listening!
Beverly Gelfand: “Care for Indian Food? Try Bombay Garden. It’s cozy, inexpensive, and its Tendori Chicken is the best in town!”
Hank Gelfand: It’s as if I am in the room alone!
Beverly Gelfand: [ still reading ] “Emilio’s is the place for Italian food. Service is family-style, and you’ll just love that zesty meat sauce!”
Hank Gelfand: Somebody shoot me now!
Beverly Gelfand: “Come back to Jamaica at Pickling Parrot. There’s Jerk Chicken and other choice Caribbean fare. Hey, Mom, see you there!” [ laughs at the wit ]
Hank Gelfand: Take me God, I am ready to meet you!
Beverly Gelfand: “For tourists, corned beef at the 1st Ave. Deli is love. And don’t forget the pickle at this kosher king!”
Hank Gelfand: [ picks up a gun and holds it ] I didn’t want it to end this way!
Beverly Gelfand: “Some more salsa, Senor? At La Cantina, their zesty Margaritas and bean burritos will have you heading South of the border.” Adios, everyone! [ laughs ]
Hank Gelfand: Adios is right! [ points the gun to his head ]
Beverly Gelfand: “Pizza, you say? The California Pizza Oven has thin-crust pizzas with zillions of interesting toppings. Have fun picking up your favorite.” I know I will!
Hank Gelfand: [ shakes head, and points gun at Beverly ] Dear Lord, give me the strength!
Beverly Gelfand: “There’s chicken fat at the table at Sammie’s Romanian Steak House. Atmosphere is what you’ll get. Along with heartburn!” [ laughs ] That’s a funny one!
Hank Gelfand: [ lowers gun ]
Beverly Gelfand: “There’s French food at Cafe Paris – escargot and succulent sauces..”
Announcer: This has been “Zagat’s”, with Hank and Beverly Gelfand.[ a shot is heard ]
Voice of Hank Gelfand: My foot![ fade ]