Newt Gingrich…..Chris Farley
Reporter #1…..Kevin Nealon
Candace Gingrich…..Mark McKinney
Reporter #2…..Molly Shannon
Reporter #3…..Jay Mohr
Reporter #4…..Tim Meadows
[ open on exterior, Capitol Hill dome, with CNN logo ] [ SUPER: “Next: Gingrich Meets With Lesbian Half-Sister” ]
Announcer: Earleir this week, House Speaker Newt Gingrich held an impromptu press conference with his lesbian half-sister, Candace Gingrich, on the Capitol’s west portico. Our C-Span cameras were there.[ dissolve to Candace and Newt seated before the press, cameras flashing ]
Newt Gingrich: Well, it, uh.. it looks like we got a pretty good turn-out from you members of the press. All these.. TV cameras. I don’t see what the big deal is, I just wanted to see my sister while she was down here in Washington. We’re family. We may not agree on everything, but.. she’s my sister.. and I love her.
Reporter #1: Miss Gingrich? What are you doing here in Washington?
Candace Gingrich: Well, I’m part of the Lesbian and Gay Rights Task Force, and we’re here to demand legal protection against discrimination. I.. I mean, it’s time for the Republican-controlled Congress to understand: We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it!
Newt Gingrich: [ chuckles nervously ] She’s actually my half-sister, uh.. but, uh.. I love her a lot. It’s great to see you, Candace!
Reporter #2: Uh.. what else, Miss Gingrich?
Candace Gingrich: Well, we’ll be actively asking Congress to pass a Constitutional amendment to legalize same-sex marriages in all fifty states, and to appeal all anti-sodomy laws!
Newt Gingrich: [ uncomfortable ] See, we have different fathers. Uh.. same mother, but, uh.. we don’t really see each other that much. Uh.. frankly, I can’t remember the last time we.. talked. [ chuckles more nervously ]
Reporter #3: Candace, would you ever vote for your brother?[ Newt lets out an extended, loud, nervous laugh ]
Candace Gingrich: Let’s just say that, uh.. Newtie and I, uh.. agree to disagree. Especially when it comes to teaching safe-sex techniques, right?
Newt Gingrich: [ laughs nervously, breaks into a whisper ] Please leave.. I’ll PAY you.. [ laughs again ]
Candace Gingrich: Oh, Newtie, you rascal! Oh! By the way, has everyone met my lover, Marta? [ looks offscreen, as Marta enters on Newt’s other side ] Marta! Honey! Come on, sit next to Newt, dear![ Marta sits down next to Newt, sandwiching him in the middle of the two lesbians ]
Newt Gingrich: How do you do, Marta? Any friend of Candace is a friend of mine! [ chuckles more nervously ]
Marta: [ raises fist in the air ] 2-4-6-8! How do you know your kids are straight!
Newt Gingrich: [ more uncomfortable ] Ohhh, boy.. look at the time. Well, I suppose that.. I got a lot of laws to pass – this whole Contract With America thing. [ uncomfortable ] Uh.. geez, it’s hot out here! [ chuckles nervously ]
Reporter #4: Candace, Marta – can we get a picture of you two kissing?
Candace Gingrich: Um.. I’m sorry, I think that would be inappropriate. But you could get a picture of both of us kissing Newt. M-marta?
Marta: Yeah.[ they both lean in and kis Newt on his cheeks ]
Newt Gingrich: [ struggling to free himself ] Hey, hey, just a second! Get the hell off of me! “Live, from, New York, it’s Saturday Night!“