Newt’s Half-Sister


Newt’s Half-Sister

Announcer…..Al Franken
Newt Gingrich…..Chris Farley
Reporter #1…..Kevin Nealon
Candace Gingrich…..Mark McKinney
Reporter #2…..Molly Shannon
Reporter #3…..Jay Mohr
Marta…..Ellen Cleghorne
Reporter #4…..Tim Meadows

[ open on exterior, Capitol Hill dome, with CNN logo ] [ SUPER: “Next: Gingrich Meets With Lesbian Half-Sister” ]

Announcer: Earleir this week, House Speaker Newt Gingrich held an impromptu press conference with his lesbian half-sister, Candace Gingrich, on the Capitol’s west portico. Our C-Span cameras were there.

[ dissolve to Candace and Newt seated before the press, cameras flashing ]

Newt Gingrich: Well, it, uh.. it looks like we got a pretty good turn-out from you members of the press. All these.. TV cameras. I don’t see what the big deal is, I just wanted to see my sister while she was down here in Washington. We’re family. We may not agree on everything, but.. she’s my sister.. and I love her.

Reporter #1: Miss Gingrich? What are you doing here in Washington?

Candace Gingrich: Well, I’m part of the Lesbian and Gay Rights Task Force, and we’re here to demand legal protection against discrimination. I.. I mean, it’s time for the Republican-controlled Congress to understand: We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it!

Newt Gingrich: [ chuckles nervously ] She’s actually my half-sister, uh.. but, uh.. I love her a lot. It’s great to see you, Candace!

Reporter #2: Uh.. what else, Miss Gingrich?

Candace Gingrich: Well, we’ll be actively asking Congress to pass a Constitutional amendment to legalize same-sex marriages in all fifty states, and to appeal all anti-sodomy laws!

Newt Gingrich: [ uncomfortable ] See, we have different fathers. Uh.. same mother, but, uh.. we don’t really see each other that much. Uh.. frankly, I can’t remember the last time we.. talked. [ chuckles more nervously ]

Reporter #3: Candace, would you ever vote for your brother?

[ Newt lets out an extended, loud, nervous laugh ]

Candace Gingrich: Let’s just say that, uh.. Newtie and I, uh.. agree to disagree. Especially when it comes to teaching safe-sex techniques, right?

Newt Gingrich: [ laughs nervously, breaks into a whisper ] Please leave.. I’ll PAY you.. [ laughs again ]

Candace Gingrich: Oh, Newtie, you rascal! Oh! By the way, has everyone met my lover, Marta? [ looks offscreen, as Marta enters on Newt’s other side ] Marta! Honey! Come on, sit next to Newt, dear!

[ Marta sits down next to Newt, sandwiching him in the middle of the two lesbians ]

Newt Gingrich: How do you do, Marta? Any friend of Candace is a friend of mine! [ chuckles more nervously ]

Marta: [ raises fist in the air ] 2-4-6-8! How do you know your kids are straight!

Newt Gingrich: [ more uncomfortable ] Ohhh, boy.. look at the time. Well, I suppose that.. I got a lot of laws to pass – this whole Contract With America thing. [ uncomfortable ] Uh.. geez, it’s hot out here! [ chuckles nervously ]

Reporter #4: Candace, Marta – can we get a picture of you two kissing?

Candace Gingrich: Um.. I’m sorry, I think that would be inappropriate. But you could get a picture of both of us kissing Newt. M-marta?

Marta: Yeah.

[ they both lean in and kis Newt on his cheeks ]

Newt Gingrich: [ struggling to free himself ] Hey, hey, just a second! Get the hell off of me! “Live, from, New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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