One Brother Restaurant
Businessman #1…..Michael McKean
Businessman #2…..Kevin Nealon
Businessman #3…..Mark McKinney
Businessman #4…..Chris Farley
[ open on exterior window of the One Brother Restaurant ]
[ dissolve to interior, four businessmen sitting at a table for lunch ]
[ the Waiter, part owner of the restaurant, walks up to the table. He speaks in a heavy Greek accent. ]
Waiter: Okay, hi!
[ the businessmen ad-lib their greetings back ]
Waiter: Alright, you guys ready to order?
Businessman #1: Yeah, I think we are.
Businessman #2: Yeah, we’re just wondering why you call this restaurant One Brother.
Waiter: Because.. I have one brother.
Businessman #2: Yeah, but.. I mean, shouldn’t it be called Two Brothers, then, because there’s two of you?
Waiter: I don’t have two brothers – I have one brother.
Businessman #3: Yeah, but there’s.. two of you?
Waiter: [ not understanding ] It’s very simple. You see, I have one brother – Nico; and Nico has one brother – me. You see? So, we say.. The One Brother Restaurant. Okay! That’s what it is! [ turns to Businessman #1 ] Would you like to order?
Businessman #1: Alright. The, uh.. three bean salad.
Waiter: Yes, sir?
Businessman #1: What.. what kind of type of beans you got in there?
Waiter: Eh, lima beans.
Businessman #1: And what else?
Waiter: Just lima beans!
Businessman #1: But.. I thought it was the three bean salad?
Waiter: Uh, well, it is – you get a total – a total of three beans!
Businessman #1: Just three beans?
Waiter: Three beans!
Businessman #1: No..
Waiter: Three lima beans, yes! It says “three bean salad.” What’s the problem?
Businessman #1: No, no, no problem. What’s in the triple-decker club here?
Waiter: Triple-decker is: lettuce.. mayonnaise.. chicken.
Businessman #1: So.. what else besides the chicken?
Waiter: Lettuce.. mayonnaise.
Businessman #1: So, mayonaise counts as one deck?
Waiter: Yes. That’s the second deck. You want that?
Businessman #1: Could you add bacon to that?
Waiter: Add bacon? [ turns toward his brother sitting at the bar ] Nico?
Waiter: No. It is what it is!
Businessman #1: Okay, I’m gonna need more time.
Waiter: Okay! [ turns to Businessman #4 ] What about you?
Businessman #4: Uhhh.. now, the, uh, four-cheese pizza.. that doesn’t have any of that Greek goat cheese in it, does it?
Waiter: No, no, no. It has mozzarella.. eh, romana.. mozzarella.. and, eh.. then, there’s moozarella.
Businessman #4: That’s, uh.. really only two cheeses.
Waiter: [ thinking ] No, that’s four cheese: mozzarella.. romana.. mozzarella.. there’s-a more mozzarella.
Businessman #4: Aww! Yeah! I’m an idiot!
Waiter: Okay. Four cheese?
Businessman #4: [ shakes head ] Um.. I’m not ready yet.
[ Waiter turns to Businessman #2 ]
Businessman #2: Now, I’m assuming that your double cheeseburger is just one burger patty?
Waiter: Yes! Double cheese, one burger.
Businessman #2: Does that come with any cheese?
Waiter: No cheese.
Businessman #2: Can I get cheese?
Waiter: You wanna put the cheese on the — [ turns toward his brother sitting at the bar ] Nico?
Waiter: No! It is what it is! [ turns to Businessman #3 ] How about you?
Businessman #3: Now, the tuna sandwich —
Businessman #3: Is that with two slices of bread – one on the bottom, one on the top – with tuna in the middle?
Waiter: Of course. Why would you ask that? Yes. Yes.
Businessman #3: Then, I’ll have that.
[ everyone murmers “Me, too.” ]
Waiter: Okay! Alright! Four tuna sandwiches. You know, I have to charge you for six?
Businessman #1: Well, how much is that gonna cost?
Waiter: It’s the same as four – don’t worry. Okay? Four tuna sandwiches coming right up!
[ Waiter heads toward the kitchen, then stops and returns to the table ]
Waiter: Wait a sec! Wait a sec.. I just realized something! What you said before, now I see – I understand now!
Waiter: ‘Cause, from where you are sitting – you see-a two brothers! Is Nico and me! It’s two, not one! So, we-we should call the restaurant – should be Two Brothers!
Businessmen: [ enthusiastically ] Right!
Waiter: Maybe we should do it! We should change the, the name! Nico?
Waiter: It is what it is! It is.
[ Waiter exits to the kitchen, as the businessmen converse amongst themselves ]
[ fade ]