One Brother Restaurant


One Brother Restaurant

Waiter…..Paul Reiser
Businessman #1…..Michael McKean
Businessman #2…..Kevin Nealon
Businessman #3…..Mark McKinney
Nico…..Jay Mohr
Businessman #4…..Chris Farley


[ open on exterior window of the One Brother Restaurant ]

[ dissolve to interior, four businessmen sitting at a table for lunch ]

[ the Waiter, part owner of the restaurant, walks up to the table. He speaks in a heavy Greek accent. ]

Waiter: Okay, hi!

[ the businessmen ad-lib their greetings back ]

Waiter: Alright, you guys ready to order?

Businessman #1: Yeah, I think we are.

Businessman #2: Yeah, we’re just wondering why you call this restaurant One Brother.

Waiter: Because.. I have one brother.

Businessman #2: Yeah, but.. I mean, shouldn’t it be called Two Brothers, then, because there’s two of you?

Waiter: I don’t have two brothers – I have one brother.

Businessman #3: Yeah, but there’s.. two of you?

Waiter: [ not understanding ] It’s very simple. You see, I have one brother – Nico; and Nico has one brother – me. You see? So, we say.. The One Brother Restaurant. Okay! That’s what it is! [ turns to Businessman #1 ] Would you like to order?

Businessman #1: Alright. The, uh.. three bean salad.

Waiter: Yes, sir?

Businessman #1: What.. what kind of type of beans you got in there?

Waiter: Eh, lima beans.

Businessman #1: And what else?

Waiter: Just lima beans!

Businessman #1: But.. I thought it was the three bean salad?

Waiter: Uh, well, it is – you get a total – a total of three beans!

Businessman #1: Just three beans?

Waiter: Three beans!

Businessman #1: No..

Waiter: Three lima beans, yes! It says “three bean salad.” What’s the problem?

Businessman #1: No, no, no problem. What’s in the triple-decker club here?

Waiter: Triple-decker is: lettuce.. mayonnaise.. chicken.

Businessman #1: So.. what else besides the chicken?

Waiter: Lettuce.. mayonnaise.

Businessman #1: So, mayonaise counts as one deck?

Waiter: Yes. That’s the second deck. You want that?

Businessman #1: Could you add bacon to that?

Waiter: Add bacon? [ turns toward his brother sitting at the bar ] Nico?

Nico: No.

Waiter: No. It is what it is!

Businessman #1: Okay, I’m gonna need more time.

Waiter: Okay! [ turns to Businessman #4 ] What about you?

Businessman #4: Uhhh.. now, the, uh, four-cheese pizza.. that doesn’t have any of that Greek goat cheese in it, does it?

Waiter: No, no, no. It has mozzarella.. eh, romana.. mozzarella.. and, eh.. then, there’s moozarella.

Businessman #4: That’s, uh.. really only two cheeses.

Waiter: [ thinking ] No, that’s four cheese: mozzarella.. romana.. mozzarella.. there’s-a more mozzarella.

Businessman #4: Aww! Yeah! I’m an idiot!

Waiter: Okay. Four cheese?

Businessman #4: [ shakes head ] Um.. I’m not ready yet.

[ Waiter turns to Businessman #2 ]

Businessman #2: Now, I’m assuming that your double cheeseburger is just one burger patty?

Waiter: Yes! Double cheese, one burger.

Businessman #2: Does that come with any cheese?

Waiter: No cheese.

Businessman #2: Can I get cheese?

Waiter: You wanna put the cheese on the — [ turns toward his brother sitting at the bar ] Nico?

Nico: No.

Waiter: No! It is what it is! [ turns to Businessman #3 ] How about you?

Businessman #3: Now, the tuna sandwich —

Waiter: Yes?

Businessman #3: Is that with two slices of bread – one on the bottom, one on the top – with tuna in the middle?

Waiter: Of course. Why would you ask that? Yes. Yes.

Businessman #3: Then, I’ll have that.

Waiter: Alright.

[ everyone murmers “Me, too.” ]

Waiter: Okay! Alright! Four tuna sandwiches. You know, I have to charge you for six?

Businessman #1: Well, how much is that gonna cost?

Waiter: It’s the same as four – don’t worry. Okay? Four tuna sandwiches coming right up!

[ Waiter heads toward the kitchen, then stops and returns to the table ]

Waiter: Wait a sec! Wait a sec.. I just realized something! What you said before, now I see – I understand now!

Businessmen: What?

Waiter: ‘Cause, from where you are sitting – you see-a two brothers! Is Nico and me! It’s two, not one! So, we-we should call the restaurant – should be Two Brothers!

Businessmen: [ enthusiastically ] Right!

Waiter: Maybe we should do it! We should change the, the name! Nico?

Nico: No!

Waiter: It is what it is! It is.

[ Waiter exits to the kitchen, as the businessmen converse amongst themselves ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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