One Brother Restaurant


One Brother Restaurant

Waiter…..Paul Reiser
Businessman #1…..Michael McKean
Businessman #2…..Kevin Nealon
Businessman #3…..Mark McKinney
Nico…..Jay Mohr
Businessman #4…..Chris Farley

[ open on exterior window of the One Brother Restaurant ] [ dissolve to interior, four businessmen sitting at a table for lunch ] [ the Waiter, part owner of the restaurant, walks up to the table. He speaks in a heavy Greek accent. ]

Waiter: Okay, hi!

[ the businessmen ad-lib their greetings back ]

Waiter: Alright, you guys ready to order?

Businessman #1: Yeah, I think we are.

Businessman #2: Yeah, we’re just wondering why you call this restaurant One Brother.

Waiter: Because.. I have one brother.

Businessman #2: Yeah, but.. I mean, shouldn’t it be called Two Brothers, then, because there’s two of you?

Waiter: I don’t have two brothers – I have one brother.

Businessman #3: Yeah, but there’s.. two of you?

Waiter: [ not understanding ] It’s very simple. You see, I have one brother – Nico; and Nico has one brother – me. You see? So, we say.. The One Brother Restaurant. Okay! That’s what it is! [ turns to Businessman #1 ] Would you like to order?

Businessman #1: Alright. The, uh.. three bean salad.

Waiter: Yes, sir?

Businessman #1: What.. what kind of type of beans you got in there?

Waiter: Eh, lima beans.

Businessman #1: And what else?

Waiter: Just lima beans!

Businessman #1: But.. I thought it was the three bean salad?

Waiter: Uh, well, it is – you get a total – a total of three beans!

Businessman #1: Just three beans?

Waiter: Three beans!

Businessman #1: No..

Waiter: Three lima beans, yes! It says “three bean salad.” What’s the problem?

Businessman #1: No, no, no problem. What’s in the triple-decker club here?

Waiter: Triple-decker is: lettuce.. mayonnaise.. chicken.

Businessman #1: So.. what else besides the chicken?

Waiter: Lettuce.. mayonnaise.

Businessman #1: So, mayonaise counts as one deck?

Waiter: Yes. That’s the second deck. You want that?

Businessman #1: Could you add bacon to that?

Waiter: Add bacon? [ turns toward his brother sitting at the bar ] Nico?

Nico: No.

Waiter: No. It is what it is!

Businessman #1: Okay, I’m gonna need more time.

Waiter: Okay! [ turns to Businessman #4 ] What about you?

Businessman #4: Uhhh.. now, the, uh, four-cheese pizza.. that doesn’t have any of that Greek goat cheese in it, does it?

Waiter: No, no, no. It has mozzarella.. eh, romana.. mozzarella.. and, eh.. then, there’s moozarella.

Businessman #4: That’s, uh.. really only two cheeses.

Waiter: [ thinking ] No, that’s four cheese: mozzarella.. romana.. mozzarella.. there’s-a more mozzarella.

Businessman #4: Aww! Yeah! I’m an idiot!

Waiter: Okay. Four cheese?

Businessman #4: [ shakes head ] Um.. I’m not ready yet.

[ Waiter turns to Businessman #2 ]

Businessman #2: Now, I’m assuming that your double cheeseburger is just one burger patty?

Waiter: Yes! Double cheese, one burger.

Businessman #2: Does that come with any cheese?

Waiter: No cheese.

Businessman #2: Can I get cheese?

Waiter: You wanna put the cheese on the — [ turns toward his brother sitting at the bar ] Nico?

Nico: No.

Waiter: No! It is what it is! [ turns to Businessman #3 ] How about you?

Businessman #3: Now, the tuna sandwich —

Waiter: Yes?

Businessman #3: Is that with two slices of bread – one on the bottom, one on the top – with tuna in the middle?

Waiter: Of course. Why would you ask that? Yes. Yes.

Businessman #3: Then, I’ll have that.

Waiter: Alright.

[ everyone murmers “Me, too.” ]

Waiter: Okay! Alright! Four tuna sandwiches. You know, I have to charge you for six?

Businessman #1: Well, how much is that gonna cost?

Waiter: It’s the same as four – don’t worry. Okay? Four tuna sandwiches coming right up!

[ Waiter heads toward the kitchen, then stops and returns to the table ]

Waiter: Wait a sec! Wait a sec.. I just realized something! What you said before, now I see – I understand now!

Businessmen: What?

Waiter: ‘Cause, from where you are sitting – you see-a two brothers! Is Nico and me! It’s two, not one! So, we-we should call the restaurant – should be Two Brothers!

Businessmen: [ enthusiastically ] Right!

Waiter: Maybe we should do it! We should change the, the name! Nico?

Nico: No!

Waiter: It is what it is! It is.

[ Waiter exits to the kitchen, as the businessmen converse amongst themselves ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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