Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
… Norm MacDonald
Jeff Foxworthy … David Spade
Frank Dippy … Adam Sandler
Hank Doodle … Chris Farley
[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!
[Cheers and applause.]Norm MacDonald: Thanks. Thank you. Thanks. I’mNorm Macdonald and this is the fake news:
A Michigan man has been arrested for the murder of aco-worker following their joint appearance on “TheJenny Jones Show.” Jenny Jones says she’s very upsetover the incident. How upset? Find out on the next”Jenny Jones.” …
F. Lee Bailey said this week that if the defense onlyknew what Ron Goldman’s last words were, they might beable to find the real killer. You know, if you ask me,Goldman’s last words were probably, ah, “Hey, you’reO. J. Simpson!” … [cheers and applause]
And Bailey insists he’s talked to potential witnessMaximo Cordoba. “I have NOT talked to F. Lee Bailey,”says Maximo Cordoba. Who’s right and who’s wrong? Findout on the next “Cordoba.” …
Some teenagers are snorting or injecting Ritalin, adrug prescribed to treat attention deficit disorder inchildren. Drug abuse experts warn that Ritalin cancause accelerated blood pressure, along with enhancedmental alertness, a surge of energy, and an increasedsense of self-confidence. And, remember, kids: thoseare BAD things. …
[Photo of a man pointing a rifle at another man’sface] Well, tests got underway this week to see ifthose new outlawed bullets are really as dangerous aseveryone says. …Norm MacDonald: Well, in weather news, thesouth has been hit with a record number of tornadoesthis month. Now, a lot of viewers, ah, don’tunderstand what a tornado actually is. So here toexplain is best selling author of “You May Be aRedneck,” comedian Jeff Foxworthy. Jeff?
[Cheers and applause for the mustachioed,Southern-accented deadpan comic.]Jeff Foxworthy: Thank you Norm, thank you. Ifyou have winds swirling around you at a hundred andforty miles per hour and lawn chairs flying about, youmight be a tornado. …
If cumulus and nimbus clouds dissipate when you’rearound, there’s a good change you’re a tornado….
If you’re an extratropical funnel comprised of warm,humid air conflicting with dry air, causing acone-shaped swirling cloud that periodically touchesdown and tears a brutal path wherever it hits …there’s a chance you may be a tornado. …
If people see you and run … there’s a good argumentto be made, that you could be characterized, notunfairly, as a tornado. …
If you were in Enid, Oklahoma in February 1960 andwhen you finished your destructive rampage, twenty-sixpeople where left for dead, you may be a tornado.
If you look in the mirror and see this [holds upcartoon drawing of a tornado] … you–
Norm MacDonald: [interrupts] Hey, hey, Jeff,now, ah, those are really funny but, hey, why don’tyou give us a redneck joke, huh? Like, ah, you knowif, ah, if your family tree does not fork, you may bea redneck! One of those?
Jeff Foxworthy: Well, Norm, that was last year.Right now I’m focusing on promoting my new book, “YouMay Be a Tornado If…” Which is in its third printingand has hilarious jokes like the ones I just told youplus a whole lot more.
Norm MacDonald: Well, good luck there, Jeff.Thanks a lot for stoppin’ by.
Jeff Foxworthy: There ya go, Norm! [cheers andapplause] Thank you!
Norm MacDonald: Jeff Foxworthy!
Jeff Foxworthy: [flashes the drawing whileexiting] Tornado!
Norm MacDonald: According to a controversialnew biography, Elizabeth Taylor likes her lovemakingloud, rough, and frequent. Coincidentally, that’s alsohow she likes to eat. …
[Norm glances at headline that reads: “5th O. J. juroraxed”] Oh no! O. J. has struck again! How ’bout that?… [scattered applause] Not a good thing.A recent study shows the number of sexually activeteenagers is leveling off at 53 per cent. And anotherstudy shows the number of teenagers who tell theirfriends that they are sexually active is holdingsteady at 100 per cent. …
[Photo of LaToya Jackson in concert] Here we seeLaToya Jackson wowing the crowds in St. Petersburg,Russia. Of course, in Russia, “wowing” means “todisappoint or disgust.” …
The state of New Hampshire is on its way to becomingthe first state to ban the use of lions, tigers,elephants, and other exotic animals in circuses.Officials also plan to change the state motto to “NewHampshire — Where the Circus Really Sucks”…
Norm MacDonald: Well, here at Weekend Update welike to hear what ordinary Americans have to say aboutworld events. So here, with a point-counterpointdiscussion, are Frank Dippy and Hank Doodle.
[Cheers and applause for two bespectacled, MiddleAmerican yokels — thin Frank Dippy, wearing cowboyhat and Western string tie, and fat Hank Doodlewearing a tasseled red Shriners’ fez.]Norm MacDonald: Hey, how are ya, fellas?
Frank Dippy: Doin’ fine, Norman.
Hank Doodle: Let’s get it to it, Norm.
Norm MacDonald: All right, fellas, you know therules. You have ten seconds to get your point across.Now, here’s your first topic: The first hundred daysof the Republican congress drawing to a close — havethey delivered their Contract with America? FrankDippy, you have ten seconds.
Frank Dippy: [stuttering horribly] All right -ten, ten seconds, got a lot to say. One hundred days,this is going back to the, whoosh, got, it’s as simpleas – okay, Bill Clinton, got the – lemme just saythat, hala, make no mistake, ha he hem – [BUZZER] -All right, out of time, okay.
Norm MacDonald: Okay. Okay. Okay, Hank , uh,Hank Doodle, your rebuttal.
Hank Doodle: Okay. I was just talkin’ aboutthis to ah, my bleedin’ heart liberal brother. So Isits the guy down, I look him straight in the eye, andI says to him, I – I says to the guy. I says to him, Isays, I says, he’s right there, I’m right–[BUZZER]
Norm MacDonald: All right, fellas. Well, let’smove on to the next topic. It’s Oscar time. Bestpicture category, what do you think? Frank Dippy?
Frank Dippy: So many terrific, ah – Pulp Fic–Pulp Fiction got the, got the, [?], Shawshank, gotthe, but, okay one thing about the Gump, you got, who,okay, yeah. Brando – Brando did not want to show upbecause of the Indians. But, oh, I’m getting ahead ofmyself. Ah, okay, focus, gotta think here. It allcomes down to the– [BUZZER] … That did not go well,all right.
Norm MacDonald: Okay, well, Hank Doodle, thefloor is yours. Best picture?
Hank Doodle: An old school buddy of mine is,ah, in the Academy, I don’t normally do this but Icalled him up and I says to him, I, I, I says to him,I says, I says, I says, I says, I says to him, I says,put him right on the spot and I, I, I says to him, I–[BUZZER]
Norm MacDonald: All right, well, the O. J.trial — is the high-priced defense team giving O. J.his money’s worth? This is a complex issue so I’mgoing to give each of you twenty seconds. FrankDippy?
Frank Dippy: Okay, now look, ah, I’m notlookin’ to ruffle any feathers, here, it’s just, let’sstart at the top here, okay, well, Papa Gino’s givesya, ah, forget that – gettin’ sidetracked, anyway,Judge Ito is fooling himself if he thinks any–anyway, I says to the guy, I says, I says to him, Isays– Oh, that’s HIS thing. All right, okay, gottahurry, and, and, ah, here comes the buzzer, and–[BUZZER]
Norm MacDonald: Okay. Look, I think the twentysecond thing might have been a mistake, there, so, Mr.Doodle, for your rebuttal, I’m going to give you fourseconds. Go ahead.
Hank Doodle: Well, I says to him, I says, I, Isays, I says, I says– [BUZZER]
Norm MacDonald: Now, fellas, I know you’re bothhuge college basketball fans, so, in closing, whydon’t you tell us who you think’s gonna win the FinalFour?
[Dippy and Doodle simultaneously jabber away,stuttering and “I says”-ing. After a few moments, Normends the bit.]Norm MacDonald: All right, okay, I think that’senough, Frank Dippy and Hank Doodle, everyone! [Cheersand applause as Dippy and Doodle exit jabbering, muchto Norm’s amusement] Well, um …
Newlyweds Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson had theirfirst argument this week. He wants kids, while shewants fake kids. …
[Photo of multisport athlete Michael Jordan] And,finally, well, it’s official– [cheers and applause]There ya go. Michael Jordan is leaving baseball toreturn to basketball. It is unclear whether the mediawill now refer to him by his old basketball nickname,”Air Jordan,” or his more recent baseball nickname,”Señor Crappy.” …And that’s it. Thanks, folks! See ya next week.
[Music. Cheers and applause. With a stylish flip ofhis sheaf of papers, Norm removes his microphone,rises and exits. Fade.]Submitted Anonymously
